What do you have against adverbs?
Nothing. I don’t have anything against beer either, but these are college kids. We’re not talking about a couple of cold ones after work. We’re talking about keg stands in a frat house basement.

I have a crush and it’s distracting me from achieving my goals, what should I do?
Choose.

What does it take to be successful in this day and age?
Success.

bitch, i fucking love you. come to vegas and party with me.
Tiger Woods, quit actin’ all divorced and shit.

Why do I like watching America’s Next Top Model?
Because one day, smoldering cracks will appear under Tyra’s cheekbones. Her hair will burst into flames and her demon mask will melt away with a sulphured glow as the models and judges run screaming for their lives, and on that day, you will be watching.

Suck my motherfucking dick you dumb fucking scumbag whore.
Look down at your WWJD bracelet and know that you’re doing it wrong.

What response can you give to a nosy relative who keeps telling you that you’re not acting prim, proper and ladylike?
Sweetheart, you’re basically asking for a transcript of my Thanksgiving holiday.

I hate Sarah Palin, she’s a fucking idiot. Why am I so jealous of Bristol?
You’re not jealous of Bristol. You’re envious of her, which means you resent and feel desire for her perceived advantages. Both feeling that way and not knowing the difference kinda makes you an idiot too.

This guy gives me vibes that he really likes me, kisses me, but now he tells me he just wants to be friends and to keep our options open. WTF?
Yeah, that’s how it goes. What do you want? Go write some country music.

Are you concerned about levamisole turning up in your nose candy? I certain am.
Ugh. You’re the girl who asks if it’s okay to take more than one Aleve for the headache she got from blowing a half dozen rails up the same nostril. Babe. It’s fucking cocaine. The shit’s already dangerous. How are you this easy to scare?

You’re getting predictable and boring.
I’m glad you said something. I’ve felt the same way for a while now. In fact, I’m relieved I can finally get this off my chest — I think we should break up. We can still follow each other, but I think it’s time we both started reading other blogs. No, wait. Please don’t cry. I know you can be mature about this.