Do you have any friends who are Republicans?
I mean, sure. I’ve been to Orange County.
I was a total dick to someone who was in to me and now I just got the door shut in my face by someone I have longed after for ages. Karma?
No, that’s not Karma. That’s cosmic irony.
What does my poor choice in men tell me about my self-esteem?
I dunno. Choices only become poor with hindsight. You chose those men for a reason, and those reasons satisfied a short-term emotional or physical need at the expense of your long-term happiness. What are those needs? Are they linked to your self-esteem? Are there patterns of behavior that you can identify and learn from and not repeat? You’re the one who has to answer this question for yourself. I can’t do the work for you.
Have you been in polyamorous relationships before?
I’ve been in a number of open relationships with a primary partner, but I prefer to think of that as ethical non-monogamy rather than polyamory. I’ve played the fourth wheel to a poly triad on occasion, but I consider that more an experience than a relationship. I don’t mean to overcomplicate my answer, but I’m very careful with labels, especially with a word like polyamorous that means different things to different people.
Am I still in love with my ex because I haven’t been attracted to anyone else yet, or have I not been attracted to anyone because I’m still in love with my ex?
I can’t really answer unless I know whether you’re actually still in love with your ex. You may simply not be over your ex, which isn’t the same thing as still being in love. Either way, it’s no big deal if you haven’t been attracted to anyone else yet. It’ll happen eventually, and there’s no need to rush it. Basically what I’m saying is to chill the fuck out and stop overthinking this shit.
Why does it bother me so much that my boyfriend likes pictures of half naked girls on Instagram?
What you’re feeling is a little bit disrespected, which is a manifestation of petty jealousy that stems from your underlying personal and relationship insecurities.
What role does ego play in your blog posts?
As little as possible, but inevitably some.
32 thoughts on “On more fun-sized advice”
What role does ego play in the questions you choose not to answer?
I choose to answer. I don’t choose not to answer. My ego plays a role to the extent that both of those sentences begin with “I”.
Is ego inherently present and unavoidable in every decision we make, however small that extent may be? Is acknowledging that the concept of “I” or “me” exists a deliberate manifestation of the ego or is it possible to just “be conscious” of your existence?
Ego is present only for the duration of a thought that you have about yourself because that is what ego IS. As soon as you’re not thinking about yourself, you have no ego (or self). “You” return the next time you think about yourself. If you have a bunch of thoughts about yourself while you’re trying to make a decision, it isn’t your ego who makes the decision, a decision is simply made. So one could say that the decision was made based on your ego’s desires, but your ego’s desires are your conditioning in action, so to speak, which isn’t ego, it is the phenomenon of conditioning. So – does your conditioning make the decisions? Is conditioning present in every decision? Sure, but conditioning isn’t personal AT ALL. Certainly nothing to “call someone out on.” We can start to examine our conditioning if we want to make “better” decisions, and the decision to do that would come from the same stuff – the decision wouldn’t be something of your doing, or of your ego’s doing, it would just be another Happening that’s happening because your conditioning adsorbed some info that made it move in a new direction (which it’s doing all the time.) Isn’t it beautiful that you can’t take credit, you can only give thanks? A human being can be conscious of its existence without having an ego, yes. It can be conscious of its existence without having an inner life whatsoever.
Wasn’t “calling her out” on anything. I saw the original answer, and her use of the word “inevitably” made me curious.
I’m going to try to simplify (and maybe counter?) Talkingaboutourselves’ response:
What I think Coke meant was that it is inevitable that EVERYthing we project into this universe is tainted by our perspective. What I hope & think Coke genuinely strives to do, is actively practice genuine selflessness in her responses. How? See Sam Harris’ book: Waking Up. (As a start.)
She’s also a bad bitch with AMPLE practice in advice-giving with limited bias. And even when she has bias (because humans aren’t perfect) she tries to check herself and clearly explain it in each piece of advice.
It’s not that I care about Coke’s ego or personal biases; it’s that I care to learn from Coke about the pervasive nature of “the ego” in a way that is fundamentally self-reflective. (So that I may, too, become as self-aware as she.) Thank you, Mil, for the book suggestion.
You’re welcome! I got it off of one of Coquette’s reading lists. 🙂 It’s just great, I’m almost finished.
I hope this theme continues in comments or in her advice, because I am striving towards a similar self-awareness nowadays and I love reading about everyones journeys & struggles. Although I understand it’s a very personal process.
Yes this! This is whyi always recommend friends, especially the hot mess ones, to read coquette. I’ve been reading her advice for at least five years or so and I think it has really transformed the way I see myself and the world. I am so much more self aware than when I started reading, and she’s made me wise enough to know this is not a process that will ever, or should ever, be completed. Thanks coketalk!
I have trouble imagining any action you could take or thought you might have that would not be a result of ego. This may be because I’m framing it incorrectly. But consider this, the only reason you would do something for someone else is because you empathize. So anything you would do for someone else is something you would do for yourself. While an act of altruism might be considered selfless, it might not necessarily be lacking in ego, would it? Pointing it out to everyone might seem egotistical, but equally, not pointing out this act would be robbing the world of an example of how to behave.
Then there’s the problem with carelessness and thoughtlessness. People might not actually be thinking about themselves when they cut you out in traffic or eat the last cookie. Eating the last cookie is particularly interesting because they might not actually be conscious of anything but the cookie itself. I can see that someone thinking, “I deserve this cookie.” could be egoist, but then we have to talk about why they deserve the cookie, and that comes from the environment.
Fuck all this…i want to be the part of a lake that isn’t a rock.
What’s the difference between ego and self image?
Related, what is the difference between ego and identity?
Ego comes from within. Identity comes from either the outside or within. (That’s my uneducated guess.)
From my imperfect understanding ego is a fundamental component of your consciousness, like the id, the part that makes you see yourself as separate from the rest of the universe. Identity is more of a combination of details about each individual, many of them external or physical ones (interests, race, physical ability). Identity is constantly in flux and the identity you project for others may have little in common with the personal identity you assign for yourself. Ego is the constant interaction between your mind and everything else through which your consciousness perceives existence around you. Or something like that.
To the Instagram girl: it also annoys you because it shows he is a childish idiot.
I agree with this even more than Coke’s answer. Disrespectful and childish is spot on and I don’t think petty jealousy factors in for me. I think women pick these kind of men because they have relationship and personal insecurities, so I agree with Coke in that regard. Class and manners are free, ladies; there’s no reason to spend time with a man who lacks them.
I agree, I remember feeling this way with my ex (pre-Instagram though). He would check out celebs etc online and I would feel oddly jealous and uncomfortable. A it turned out he was a serial cheater and general a-hole who constantly showed untrustworthy behavior. When my husband looks at sexy ladies online it doesn’t bother me a bit, because we have a lot of trust and because he isn’t being scummy or creepy about it. Also I’m a lot more mature and less insecure than back in the day. This lady needs to deal with her insecurities and/or build a relationship based on trust
What does half naked girls mean to you? Because I never get shit from my boyfriend when I look at women in any state of undress on any media, rather readily supported because he cares about me expressing my sexuality.
What is so inherently childish about looking at partially nude women on Instagram? Other than there are different platforms for nudity out there, I don’t see how this is a problem with the boyfriend, rather with the OP’s view of herself and relationship.
It could be OP just being insecure. But the half naked instagram girls could be part of a pattern of not quite trustworthy behavior on his part and the instagram girls is just the thing OP latched onto.
I’d only be worried about this if boyfriend is doing other things to make her not trust him.
It’s the fact that the guy ‘likes’ them, not that he looks at them. How old is he, 14?
Agreed. I just can’t take that kind of guy very seriously.
I gotta say, petty jealousy or not, it’s a douche move and not the kind of thing a grown-up does. If you’re not into that sort of behaviour, you’ll eventually find that you two clash in a bunch of different terrains too. Not worth the effort.
(Although I gotta ask: how do you know he likes these pics? Cos if you’re looking for trouble, then you just got your answer. You’re swimming in trouble soup.)
My main issue with this type of behavior is whether or not it’s secretive. If we’re digging half naked chicks together, that’s different.
“You may simply not be over your ex, which isn’t the same thing as still being in love.”
How do you parse out the difference? I’ve been in love with a man I never really had, never will have. He loves someone else and plans to marry her. It’s been five years and a 2000 mile move on my part, hoping it would die. But he still makes my heart leap. I won’t go into our relationship further, but I’m hear to tell you. Loving someone who cares for you, thinks you’re the sexy woman he’s ever met, but is engaged to someone else…. It fucking sucks.
If he knows your feelings, and he’s still playing with you telling you he cares for you and thinks your the sexiest person ever, when he’s engaged, that means he’s a deceitful selfish douchebag. That should be enough to make you run. He doesn’t deserve your love, if he did deserve it, either he wouldn’t be communicating with you or he would leave his fiancée for you.
Agree 100% with Anna, if he wanted to be with you he would be, the fact that he’s not means he’s stringing you along and is therefore a totl jerk. That doesn’t make getting over him and easier for you necessarily, but you should try to remember it when the longing gets too strong
This batch was so strong! Thanks coke
I’m not getting all the hate for sexy Instagrams. Is it a problem for a chick to look at half naked dudes on Instagram? AKA the whole purpose of my Instagram account. What exactly is childish or douchey or disrespectful about that?
I used to have a bf that would do this sort of thing all the time. It made me crazy, and it was pretty childish. I always wondered why he didn’t find professional soft porn, and then I realized the appeal: the illusion of actually sort of knowing these online women. Friending them, sending comments, or even just likes, and because they were local the chance to run into them. All of which was stupid because those women would have viewed my bf with contempt. It was all so stupid. I dunno if that was the op situation.
How did you end up changing your opinion on the word polyamory itself?*
*to be specific, you tore me a new asshole for using the phrase in essentially the same question at the very beginning of this blog, it made me think.
Now I’m thinking again.
A broken heart is an open heart.
To anon: check out some work on transactional analysis (a book called TA today..can’t remember author). TA looks at ego as a fluid with 3 main states, child ego, adult ego and parent ego, and the personal drivers within us which affect behaviour, how we react and respond etc when you’ve learned about yourself you can make a concious effort to modify more negative behaviours. For example, I learned that my primary driver is be strong, my behaviour reflects this in that I subconsciously choose not to show hurt or upset and instead replace it with anger. Because of this I was rarely able to talk openly and calmly about why I was upset, instead to be angry, irrational and ultimately shut people off. knowing this and reflecting on the things which particularly are hurtful to me, I have been able to actively and positively modify my knee jerk reactions.
Sorry if unclear, I am not good at explaining.