Best-Of Advice

On new years eve

What’s up with the collective disinterest in NYE this year? A shared coming of age for those claiming to be newly minted as mature? “It’s a recession, yo” (hardly seems to be the case with economic success to the few at all-time highs)?

It’s almost January, mid 60s and sunny (my half-hearted condolences to anyone on the other side facing torrential cold), coming off of a Christmas lull of unfulfilled wanton needs. So why am I in the majority, content to avoid parties and instead find NYE’s solace cuddled with opiates, Ketel and something with scoring by Zimmer or Mansell?

I know it’s an epidemic, but I don’t know why. Your thoughts?

I blame Snooki.

No, I really do. That tacky-as-fuck Oompa-Loompa is responsible for so much of our collective ennui, it’s not even the least bit funny.

Snooki will literally be the centerpiece of MTV’s New Year’s Eve in Times Square as she is dropped inside the ball at the stroke of midnight as she puts it, “like a friggin’ hamster.”

What a perfect little fuck you from one of the shittiest years I can remember.

Regardless of our maturity, everyone did some growing up this year, and it took a lot out of us. Sure, the recession is our excuse, but it’s not about the money. Not really. You can always celebrate on the cheap, but we don’t even give a fuck about that this year. We’re all too fucking exhausted.

Meanwhile, instead of a respectful nod to the puffy-eyed zeitgeist, popular culture is acting like our drunk and obnoxious friend who insists we go party one more time at club 2010, which everyone knows is the douchiest hole on the strip. Why? Because Snooki will be there.

Are you fucking kidding me? Bitch, I’ve had enough of that awful scene, and the last place I want to be is anywhere I have to be reminded of this awful year or how unbearably shallow and ignorant our fameball icons have become.

Am I gonna end up going out that night? Yeah, I am. Why? Because I’m not a quitter. I have no expectations and no desire to celebrate, but I’ll still show up, not with bells and whistles, but with shovels and bats that we’ll use to beat down 2010 and bury it alive like Joe Pesci in Casino.

If we’re lucky, maybe in 2011, the executives at MTV will realize that’s exactly what they need to do with the entire cast of Jersey Shore. Sure, Snooki is an all-too convenient scapegoat for everything wrong with this past year, but I’ll be damned if she wasn’t perfectly cast for the job.

You wanna know why everyone is collectively disinterested in New Years Eve?

Because fuck 2010, that’s why.


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