On shopping for an asshole

My sister’s boyfriend is one of those racists who thinks of himself as highly intellectual but is really just an insecure asshole. (he once defended his position on gay marriage to me by interjecting, “I majored in political science and graduated cum laude. I know more about this than you.”)Much to my dismay, it seems likely that he and my sister will get married. Since I’m going to have to deal with him at family gatherings, I’d like to get him a gift this Christmas that won’t outright start a fight but that is also a not-so-subtle “fuck you, you racist, homophobic, shitbag.” Any ideas?

If you want to be subtle, buy him a Brooks Brothers Dog and Stripe Tie. It’s part of the unofficial uniform for racist, homophobic poli-sci majors, especially the ones who think graduating cum laude is something to brag about.

If you want to be not-so-subtle, buy him a hardcover copy of The Reagan Diaries and a Ronald Reagan Presidential Jelly Bean Jar. He’ll be forced to laugh like he gets the joke, but he’ll understand that you’re making an open declaration of war.

As a secret stocking stuffer, you should also sign him up for a membership in the ACLU. (Be sure and check the box that lets them share his personal information with other charities.)


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *