On who I was and who I will become

Are you the person you have led us to believe you are? Some part of me feels that this was some weird social experiment that blew up beyond your wildest expectations and now you’ve outgrown the gimmick. I don’t ask this in any judgmental way. I’ve grown with you too, perhaps a generation or two apart. I am not the same person as I was when you were still “Dear Coke.”


I’ve been completely open about the fact that this was a weird social experiment that blew up beyond my wildest expectations. Anyone who’s come along for the ride also knows that I’ve outgrown several gimmicks. I’m certainly not the same person I was a mere two years ago, much less a decade when all of this ridiculousness started. Hell, we’ve all grown up. It’s what we do.

What you’re sensing is real, though. My life is much less frivolous now, and the world is a much more sinister place. I’m still living a relatively comfortable life, but after changing careers and changing cities, my day-to-day has taken on a much more serious tone. People depend on me, and I’ve taken on very real responsibilities that would have terrified my former self.

I’ve been making all of this up as I go along, and the question as to what happens next has never had an answer that extended beyond the next six months. That’s still the case. I’m not going anywhere, but I have no idea what this will become in 2018 and beyond. We’ll see. All I can say for sure is that this place will always reflect my true character, and the only promise I can make is that even if I end up having kids one day, Dear Coquette will never devolve into some craft-sharing cutesy-ass mommy blog.


31 thoughts on “On who I was and who I will become

  1. Meg says:

    I’m glad you’re here to stay. I’m excited to be a part of your continued growth, and am so happy you’re back with avengence (even if it’s just for now).

    • alittlebit says:

      Seriously. And to suspect that she’s faking it or that it’s some kind of gimmick? Because what, because she doesn’t drag people mercilessly the way she used to *a decade* ago? She’s not a robot, programmed to spit out wit and wisdom in the same tone forever and ever. Even computers need software updates.

  2. Thorn says:

    If you could in fact start a real motherhood blog about how to treat your children like humans instead of idealized little happy idiots and how to deal with and accept the disappointments, the weird moments, the fatigue and how all of that is a normal part of the course… like a sort of anthropological view of yourself and your children (if you ever have them, of course) I wouldn’t miss a single coma.

    • monochromicorn says:

      ditto on that.
      a real talk mommy blog that cut through all the crap? I’d tune in for that.

      Also, coke fell in love… that’s where she’s been. 🙂 (OK maybe not, but that’s what my spidey sense tells me.)

    • Chrissy says:

      My first thought was that she must have entered a caregiver career or something akin to that. Definitely did not consider the possibility of childrearing.

      • grouch says:

        I didn’t either, but I still don’t, really. I imagine she had some entertainment industry career, and has slightly switched tracks. There are a ton of entertainment industry careers, she could have been a music copyright lawyer or something, and now she’s a public defender in some other part of California. Maybe she manages stuff for Kamala Harris, idk. Parenthood is possible, I guess, but the universe of possibilities is pretty enormous.

      • RocketGrunt says:

        As someone formerly in the caregiving field, I doubt she’s doing that. It’s a low-pay job that people who don’t qualify for anything else can get because there aren’t many skilled workers who are willing to burn themselves out for minimum wage. There are a lot of things in the world that will give you more responsibilities and have more people depending on you than caregiving or child-rearing.

    • Radio says:

      I mean I guess people change and whatnot, but she’s always sounded pretty against the idea of having children, especially circa her first book. I feel like it’s a bit of a stretch to read motherhood out of this post.

      “…the only promise I can make is that even if I end up having kids one day, Dear Coquette will never devolve into some craft-sharing cutesy-ass mommy blog.”

      My translation: “The world is changing, and I’m a *lot* different than I used to be, and we all know I’ve generally considered myself the least likely person to end up with kids, but even if that somewhat extreme situation happened, I’ll still retain who I am. My online self you’ve gotten to know over the years may be a mere fraction of who I am, but it’s still a core element of my being.”

  3. Teddy says:

    The promise not to change into a mommy craft blog seems overly specific. I know there is this (often class related) idea of submissive motherhood in many western cultures. I have (mostly female) friends from 20 to 37 who have had kids over the last couple of years, and I’m lucky enough not to have to consider one incidence as a model in the diverse social circles I chose to integrate. (One other factor is that somewhat 55% children are born into unmarried although often committed couples in my country, compared to something like 40% in the US.)
    If Coke chose to have children, I’d be especially interested in the witty commentary of the 0 to 18 month development more than the anthropological study of children as suggested in a previous comment.

    Also, there is no need to have experience in care-giving or child-rearing to have a profound imperative sense to care for others. There is evidence that intuitions about moral behaviour influence behaviour more than the other way round.

  4. gd_vbs_nly says:

    you people who take the mention of children, and a position of responsibility and automatically assume that Coke has had kids?
    Lol, no.

    It’s clear that she’s more open to the idea now than she’s ever been, but she hasn’t had kids.

    It’s literally sexist as fuck to assume that a woman in a position of responsibility must have become a mother.

    Like actually, how cliche is that?
    And on Coke’s blog too?
    Has she taught you nothing?

    It’s pretty clear from Coquette’s recent posts that she is very upset about the current political situation in America.

    The fact that she was calling her followers to action a few months ago, coupled with the fact that she left us for months, and is now in a ‘serious’ career where people depend on her?

    Coke is working for something that she believes strongly in, and she is in a position of power of some sort.

    Coke is doing something important.

    • Monochromicorn says:

      Honey, I don’t know if you are responding to me or not, but let me tell you, one can be BOTH a strong independent powerful woman and a parent. These things are in the same ven diagram.

      I don’t assume that Coke has to or wants to become a mother because of her gender. Maybe she isn’t! Maybe she never will! Maybe she hates it! I’m merely offering my hypothesis about what is going on based on things other than gender, with full knowledge of who she is. Maybe I’m wrong.

      Plus, she’s not American Ultra spy or some shit. What are you talking about?

    • Lauren says:

      We also don’t KNOW that she is biologically a woman of child bearing age. She may actually be trans??? Or living as a man and keeping this blog as a female. She wrote a few posts that made me believe she was closer to middle age. She could be in her early 40s… still child bearing female age. Or an older man considering having kids.
      Who knows??? That’s all the fun in this!!! Shady advice from an anonymous voice.

  5. Joie says:

    I sense caretaking of an older relative, most likely her mom. It profoundly changes a person and knocks a lot of frivolousness out of a person. It re frames priorities and values. Coke, whatever serious responsibilities you are shouldering, many of us are thinking about you.

  6. Cloudburst says:

    Why is it so important to speculate?

    Coke could have given birth to triplets, or she could be part of a committed polyamorous thruple where one lover is dying from hepatitis. Nothing would surprise me.

    I’m glad she’s less frivolous now because I’M less frivolous now and I was growing weary of her frivolity and, so, it seems, was she. Taking care of people and letting them care for you, owning up to your limitations and letting them guide your growth?

    These are themes I can get behind in a redirected advice blog.

  7. Keep dropping the wisdom. You left a void in my day to day; mine to fill. But, your insights are like brain caramel candy rock paper scissors fabled folklore smackdowns of sweat truth. I missed you. Best in your new normal.

  8. Lauren says:

    So, I asked this question (and it warms my heart that she answered). My thought was that she’d perhaps assumed a completely different and made up identity when she started this blog – “Coke” was someone that she wanted to be and was different from her real life. An alternate ego? That doesn’t make her any less of a rock star at heart or her wisdom less real and insightful. I’ve learned from Coke. I admire her. But it would not be an absurd idea if she was someone else; people make fake identies online because they can and it is fun. I thought maybe she was over the idea of playing the “it party girl, fuck monogamous love and God” identity that she’d previously portrayed. Her reply, however does not confirm my hunch. That’s what I meant by gimmick.

  9. not relevant! says:

    I was getting out of the train yesterday, and thinking about some situation that I can’t remember. I found myself thinking “what would Coketalk do?” I used to think this so often. It was so internalized, the voice of someone I imagined ten or fifteen years older than me, someone I admired a lot, dispensing wisdom that seemed perfectly suited to my age and situation. I’m older now and much more on my own feet. I’ve removed the training wheels you provided in my extended adolescence. Thanks. It was fun.

    When I meet 19 year olds now, and see how messy and exciting they are, I think of how I could advise them like you advised me. It’s a wonderful feeling.

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