On your day.

Dear Coquette,

I’m newly engaged and have started thinking about and talking about wedding plans with my fiancé. We have chosen our bridal party and decided where we want to get married. My mother is not happy with either decision. She insists that my brother should be a groomsman even though my fiancé does not feel he has a close enough relationship to my brother to make him one. My brother is going to be involved in the wedding. He will be walking down our grandmothers and our mother. He will also be giving a speech and will be announced at the beginning of the reception for the entrances. My mother does not think this is good enough because he won’t be at the altar. My fiancés stance is that it is our wedding and my mother should just get over it.

My mother is also not happy with our location. Weve decided we want to get married somewhere that is about four hours away from where we live. My fiancés family lives there, and he and I plan to move there once were married. My family either lives four hours away or farther. My mother thinks it is unfair for us to pick a location so far away from our family because it is a hassle to travel. He and I are in love with this town, and, like I said, we plan to build our life together there.

The tension is becoming insane and unbearable. Im afraid to have a conversation with my mother in case she starts ranting about the wedding location or crying because my brother isn’t a groomsman. What do I do, Coquette? Is my fiancé right? Should we just say, Sorry, this is our wedding; we get what we want. Or is there some sort of compromise in this? Also, I’m afraid that the rest of the planning will be like torture because of all this tension already built. The last thing I want is my mother or my fiancé to be miserable on my wedding day because if theyre miserable, Ill be miserable. Please help.

You’re the bride, sweetheart. That means you’re in charge. Not your mom. Not your fiancé. You. 

Sure, everyone in your family is gonna give you an earful of opinions. But for better or for worse, when conflicts arise, the buck stops with you. Step up and start laying down the law. 

Not that what I have to say should matter in the least, but since you asked, here’s what I think. On the one hand, your crazy-ass mother should quiet down and let you have your wedding wherever you damn well please. On the other hand, your fiancé is being a thoughtless douche for not immediately and graciously allowing your brother to be a groomsman.

Throw your mother a bone. Tell your fiancé that that your brother is gonna be a groomsman, but then insist that your mother shut the hell up about the location. Boom. Done. 

While you’re at it, stop trying to please everyone all the time. It’s impossible and attempting to do so will end in disaster. The sooner you grow a spine and start telling everyone the way it’s gonna be, the sooner they can all start getting over themselves.

Take control. Be firm. This is your day. Own it.


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