NEED advice. My fuck buddy is going to be in St. Barths at the same time as me, and I don’t want to see him there because I might like him so I want to deal with it at home, not on vacation. But since I’m probably going to end up handing out with him there now, how do I play it so he realizes I like him/gauge if he likes me too?

You do not NEED advice. You NEED a reality check. You NEED to find the nearest soup kitchen or homeless shelter. You NEED to volunteer for the same number of hours you’ll be in St. Barts causing bullshit drama with a fuck buddy. Then maybe you’ll understand when it’s appropriate to use the word NEED.

A really close friend of mine has asked me out multiple times and I’ve said no, in essence “friend-zoning” him. Tonight he just told me he masturbates to photos of me. He got offended when I told him that I felt a little violated and icky knowing that he peruses my Facebook albums with a hard-on. I told him I’d really rather be left in the dark and he’s acting like it was a totally normal thing to say. He says he told me for no other reason than to be honest. Is he being overly candid or am I just being a prude? Is this a normal thing people tell each other?

I’m totally masturbating to your Facebook pics right now.

Dear Coquette,

I’m a freshman junior college student in California’s floundering education system. I’ve done really well so far and I expect good grades after the first semester. My enrollment date is coming up and I found out that there are about 30 classes left, and most likely the worst. I’m going to try to add the best classes I can, but things aren’t looking so great. What other options are out there for someone who wants an education in a broken system?

One of the most important lessons you can learn from the enrollment process at the state college level is that you should never just take what’s handed to you. Broken systems have cracks. Exploit them.

Memorize every last detail of your school’s enrollment procedure. Study the course guide and schedule until it feels like you’re staring into the Matrix. Know all the drop/add deadlines by heart. Your class schedule is a chess game, and the one you have before the semester starts is just your opening move.

Pick the classes you want. Pick your second-tier choices. Pick backups. Go to all of them on the first day and talk your way in. Be passionate. Be enthusiastic. Be tenacious. Do whatever it takes for the professors to let you enroll in the classes you really want. Don’t give up, and prerequisites be damned. If a class is really important to you, just keep showing up for class. Eventually, someone will drop out and you’ll be right there to take the slot.

For the record, this is how you get ahead in the world. There’s always another system. It’s always broken, and if you want to be successful, you have to learn to manipulate it. It’s not about breaking the rules. It’s about learning how they bend. Most importantly, though, it’s about simply showing up.

My friend’s Southern father told me that being gay is not at all biological because it’s “classified as a mental disorder” (seriously?), an “unnatural genetic mutation” and asked: If we teach kids about homosexuality, why not teach them about polygamy and bestiality? As a recently out bisexual 20-year-old girl, I was really offended but too taken aback to form words. Got any comebacks for next time I encounter this kind of incredible ignorance?

Comebacks aren’t what you need, because they’re wasted on someone like that. Nothing you can say will ever penetrate his thick skull. As a 20-year-old girl, I doubt he even respects you enough to listen to your opinions when they mirror his, much less when they’re diametrically opposed to his worldview.

Sometimes the lesson is knowing when to pick your battles. Not every outrage deserves a reaction, and there’s a certain grace in swallowing your tongue in the face of incredible ignorance. Don’t be the one with a chip on your shoulder. Remember, he’s the idiot with something to prove, not you.

Besides, his small-minded belief system is dying a long, slow death of asphyxiation at the hands of progressive thought. There’s too much science in the world for his way of thinking to survive another generation, so don’t waste scorn on him. Pity him, because he’s a pathetic little man.

Do you believe in the saying, “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be”?

Fuck no. That’s just some simple bullshit people who believe in romantic destiny say when they’re going through the bargaining stage after getting dumped.

Nothing about your love life is “meant to be,” nothing is “yours forever,” and it’s silly to pretend you had any choice in the matter. You didn’t “let it go.” That shit got up and went.

This is terrible advice…! Marriage takes lots of hard work, but the rewards are incredible. In marriage, there is a cycle of love and respect. When it starts spinning the wrong way (no-love/no-respect), you need to turn it around. It’s a choice.

Someone has been lying to you about the rewards, sweetheart. Put in all the hard work you want, but you’re an idiot if you think suffering through a miserable marriage will guarantee you any kind of eventual happiness.

Tell me something to stop me crying over this shit. The one fucking author I cared about.

He wasn’t just an author. He was a teacher, our favorite one, equal parts magnificent bastard and magnificent source of enlightenment. We had a personal relationship with his words.

To some of us, Hitch was the father of our intellect. We came of age with him showing us the very best of ourselves — our contrarian nature, our reason, our rational minds. That’s why it hurts so much.

Go ahead, cry. Grieve for him. I’m over here bawling my eyes out.

It’s okay. He deserves it.