Advice

On kicking him to the curb

Dear Coquette, 

He’s the worst person I’ve ever known and simultaneously the most amazing. He does the worst things you can imagine. Lying, cheating, lying about cheating. Here I am, a smart woman with no illusions about who this guy she loves really is, sticking around and letting him flay her again and again. I could explain why and what I think about it but it’s inconsequential.

Whether or not I have no illusions about him, I must be delusional or hate myself to continue to allow him access to me, right? I guess my question to you is this: Can you love someone who lies to you, hurts you deeply, cheats on you and find some way to make peace with that/be bigger than that, or am I just being another stupid smart person trying to rationalize an emotional dependency?


Of course you can love someone who repeatedly lies to you, hurts you deeply and cheats on you. You can even find a way to make peace with it, but so what? None of that is an excuse to allow the bastard to remain a part of your life.

You know damn well what you have to do. You have to kick him to the curb, but you’re weak. It’s not that you hate yourself. You just don’t respect yourself, and he sure as hell doesn’t respect you either.

That’s what you need to realize and accept: He’s never going to respect you. When he gets caught, he might beg for your forgiveness. He might make romantic overtures. He might even miss you for a hot minute when you break up with him, but you should never confuse any of that kind of behavior with actual respect.

If he respected you, he wouldn’t betray you in the first place, and if you had some self-respect, you wouldn’t tolerate being betrayed. It’s time for you to gather up all your inner strength and stop allowing him access to you. Move on, fall out of love, and learn what lessons you can. Pick better on the next go-round.

You’re in too deep right now to see it, but I promise you’ll eventually realize that he wasn’t simultaneously the worst and most amazing person you’ve ever known. He was just some cheating douchebag who got under your skin.

There’s no shame in that, kiddo. It happens to the best of us.

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Advice

On refusing to be manipulated

Dear Coquette, 

First off, I love your blog, you’ve saved me from myself more times than you’ll know. The only thing is, I have a problem that I don’t know how to solve, and can’t ask anyone but you about it.

I’ve been going out with this guy for three months, and he’s pretty spectacular. He’s been really cool about all my personal issues (last boyfriend was an abusive jerk, and it made me really uncomfortable around guys), but we’ve started talking about having sex lately, and although I want to, he doesn’t want to use a condom. Apparently sex is horrible with them.

Now, this was a problem I had with my last boyfriend, and I only did it without condoms because he forced me. That resulted in me taking the morning after pill, but my current boyfriend doesn’t know it, and I don’t want him to.

Is there any way to tell him I don’t want to have unprotected sex with him without writing off sex completely? He’s been really good to me, and I don’t want to ruin everything.


You’re breaking my heart, kiddo. I’m sorry to have to be so blunt with you, but what I’m about to say is what you need to hear.

The guy you’re with isn’t at all spectacular. He just seems spectacular because he hasn’t revealed himself to be as big an asshole as your abusive ex-boyfriend. I know you can’t see it yet, but he has a lot more in common with your ex than you realize.

I’m not saying he’s going to become abusive. Most likely he won’t, but he is going to become more and more emotionally manipulative as you fall deeper into the relationship.

Right now, you’re still in a courtship phase. You haven’t had sex yet, and he’s still pursuing you. This is as romantic as he’s ever going to get, and yet he’s already trying to manipulate you into not using condoms.

That’s a huge red flag. Even you see it. Hell, it’s why you wrote in to me, because you knew damn well that I’d hit you over the head with it. Obviously, you have to tell him that sex with you will be condom-only. Stand up for yourself. No unsafe sex. No exceptions.

That’s the easy advice. The hard part will be for you to start recognizing emotional manipulation and immediately shutting it down. To do that, you have to value yourself. You have to put your own health and happiness first.

Whenever you catch yourself thinking, “He’s been really good to me, and I don’t want to ruin everything,” take a deep breath and instead tell yourself, “My happiness and emotional well-being are more important than my relationship.”

Go ahead, say it out loud. 

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Advice

On memorial day decor.

I’m thinking of buying a Jon McNaughton painting to put up during my Memorial Day ‘Murica party. All of my guests would know it was a joke. However, I don’t want my money going towards a terrible person like him. Should I stick with red white and blue streamers, tank tops and trucker hats?

Dude, fuck that guy. Download a high resolution image from his website. Have it printed onto canvas and then framed.

(If the printer gives you shit about copyright, just photoshop in your own face, thus making it a fair use parody.)

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Advice

On re-appropriation.

My problem with re-appropriating the word slut is that is too vague: how many partners you need to have to be declared a slut? Sometimes the number is zero. I got called slut by a man for NOT sleeping with him. Gay and black people DO exist and they are free to re-appropriate the slurs used against them if they want to. “Sluts” don’t exist.

Women exist.

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Advice

On singing nigga.

I’m concerned about saying the n-word in rap songs. I like to rap along with Weezy and Jay-Z, but as a white girl, I feel like I shouldn’t be saying the n-word even when it’s just part of a song. Censoring myself or saying something else instead just feels stupid. I know it would be better to ask a person of color (I assume you’re white? Correct me if I’m wrong) but I’m too embarrassed. What should I do?

Sing the fucking song, you hypersensitive twit.

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Advice

On sluts, whores, and lesbians

Dear Coquette,

What is the difference between sluts and whores?

Sluts openly enjoy their sexuality. Whores put a price on their integrity.

Please note that a whore is not the same thing as a prostitute. A prostitute can certainly be a whore, but so can a politician or a CEO. Being a whore is not industry-specific.

Also please note that there is nothing inherently wrong with being a slut. The word itself is often used as a pejorative, but sluts like me are doing our best to re-appropriate the term.


I occasionally indulge in being objectified (i.e., at the gym or when out to drinks with friends), although deep down, I know that I value respect. What’s up with that?

I’m willing to bet that all you’re doing is enjoying some sexualized attention, and that isn’t the same thing as being objectified.

Objectification requires a certain level of dehumanization. Are you letting people treat you as merely an object of sexual pleasure? It’s the merely part that matters here, and unless after a few drinks with friends you start entering thong contests or flashing your boobs, the answer is probably not.

Even if you are engaging in a little “Girls Gone Wild” self-objectifying behavior, so what? It’s trashy as hell, but hey, do what you like. It doesn’t mean you forfeit your right to value respect.


I’m a lesbian, but I’m in the closet and make fun of gays in public. I know that’s spineless. OK … So the real problem is that I think my best friend is also a lesbian and I’m in love with her. Should I tell her that I’m lesbian and that I like her or just wait until I found out for sure?

Um, no. The real problem is that you’re in the closet and make fun of gays in public. Stop it.

Don’t do anything to, with, or about your best friend until both of you have come to terms with your own sexuality. A little experimenting is one thing, but if you’ve fallen in love with her, then there can’t be any confusion about either of your sexual orientations.

Falling in love with a friend is messy under the best of circumstances. Even if you both turn out to be lesbian, it doesn’t mean that your relationship can survive a transition from platonic to romantic.

Be careful and be sure, because if the two of you get romantic and then have a falling-out, the odds that your friendship will survive are quite low.

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Best-Of Advice

On filters, rules, and minor delusions

Dear Coquette,

How do you know when to let your guard down? How do you know when to stop being a guarded bitch and actually let someone in?

You shouldn’t have a guard. You should have a filter. There’s a huge difference, and I promise, it’s a much better way to live.

A guard is a fear-based defense mechanism that you put up and take down over and over again to protect yourself from your own vulnerability in intimate relationships. It’s an exhausting exercise that can weigh down your soul.

A filter isn’t fear-based. You don’t have to put it up or take it down. It’s a permanent part of you that requires a certain amount of inner strength and a well-defined set of personal standards, but it allows you to embrace your vulnerability.

The real trick is accepting the fact that a certain amount of emotional pain is inevitable. Sometimes relationships are gonna hurt, and there’s no getting around it. People who keep their guards up are living in fear of that emotional pain. When they let their guards down, they’re just living in denial of its inevitability.

People with filters accept the inevitability of emotional pain, but they have the self-discipline to mitigate chaos and negativity by either processing it, or cutting it off at the source.


I’m in an open marriage with a man who only respects logic. I don’t like it when he goes and has playtime with his partner when we have the kids. I’ve asked him to save it for when the kids are with their bio mom, but he refuses. I’ve said that the sentiment applies to me, too. He says I’m being emotional and not asking him in a way that makes sense, so he’s going to keep doing it. He’s right, though; I *am* emotional. I also think that it’s not an unreasonable request. What should I do?

Your husband is being a jerk. He doesn’t respect logic, not really. He’s just found a way to convince you that your emotions are invalid whenever there’s conflict in your relationship. Well, guess what? Logic is not the opposite of emotion, and being emotional does not mean you’re being irrational.

In any open relationship, both partners get to set ground rules. You’re not trying to set a double standard, nor are you being unreasonable. The kids are more important than your open marriage, plain and simple. The bottom line is that neither of you should get to put playtime over parenting.

Don’t let him fool you with his line that you’re “not asking in a way that makes sense.” It makes perfect sense. He just doesn’t like restrictions being placed on his playtime, and he’s reacting like a spoiled brat.

Don’t put up with his selfish behavior, not for one more second.


What do you say when somebody tells you they’re a part-time model?

Just smile and nod. The world is full of average people eager to display their manufactured identities. It’s best to allow them their minor delusions.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice.

What the fuck do I do with my hands when getting eaten out?
Grab the sheets and get the fuck out of your head.

I’m starting a blog about women who were/are ugly but badass and accomplished. Any women come to mind whom I can include?
You’re an idiot. Stop what you’re doing.

My boyfriend has pictures of his exes saved on his hard drive. It makes me feel shitty. How do I deal?
You weren’t the first. You won’t be the last. Deal with it.

If I’m the empress of my own happiness and that empire is crumbling, what should I do?
Build a new one, bitch.

How do you keep your values and beliefs so close to you? I’ve thought of a thousand ways to word that so I hope you know what I mean.
Never stop testing them.

I just realized that I am the poster child for entitled millenials. I am afraid to start projects because I am afraid to fail at them. How to do move past this?
You are not a poster child for anything. The world doesn’t give a flying fuck if you succeed or fail.

I try to stay active, eat right, volunteer, but I am so unhappy. Are some people just sad for life?
Quit looking for an excuse to keep your head up your ass, and stop looking for happiness on the back of your box of granola.

Have you ever been dumped? Rejected?
Oh yeah. The last time I was in love with a man he broke up with me out of the blue one morning while I was still butt-ass naked.

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Advice

On gender studies.

Can all gender imbalance in representation really be attributed to structural inequality? Is it reasonable to lay some of the responsibility for, say, the absence of female filmmakers in this year’s Cannes Film Festival competition lineup at the feet of garden-variety gender socialisation?

First of all, write your own damn intro to gender studies midterm paper.

If you want a good grade, point out the fact that “garden-variety” gender socialization is a reflection of a hegemonic value system, and in a patriarchal society, social norms are the root cause of structural inequality.

Make the argument that gender socialization and structural inequality are not separable, especially in traditionally male dominated social systems (e.g. the film industry.)

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Advice

On the basics.

Is it wrong to bold face lie to a professor in order to get ahead in college as long as I’m not fucking anyone over?

Ugh, stop. Just stop. Don’t ask me about stuff like this when you already know damn well if it’s wrong. I am not a substitute for your superego.

You have a conscience for a reason. If you experience feelings of guilt when you lie, cheat, or steal, that’s a good thing. It means you aren’t a fucking sociopath.

You should listen to that little knot in your gut that tells you when you’re doing wrong, and realize that if you’re lying to professors to “get ahead,” the person you’re fucking over is yourself.

Don’t be a little shit. Have some fucking integrity, and do the right thing.

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