So, you’re into the whole polyamory thing. It’s something I also find interesting, though because of my virginstatus (I’m a late bloomer, college student) , I can’t tell you I whole heartedly agree. I’ve seen marriages in my family fall apart, several times related to cheating. Do you agree with polyfidelty? To me, that sounds like a hidden form of monogamy. Sorry if I’m off here, just tell me if I completely failed and you’re into traditional swinging.

— juan t.

No. I am not into the whole polyamory thing. That’s a politically correct label assigned to an elitist subculture dominated by creepy neo-hippies who aren’t charismatic enough to become fully-fledged cult leaders. And polyfidelity? I had to google that ridiculous shit.

People who need to “identify” via their sexuality annoy me. Truth be told, I find that people who build their identity around any external institution — be it a sports team, a religion, or an alternative lifestyle — are weak minded and lack personality.

Can’t it just be enough that I enjoy getting fucked by fun and interesting people?

I like coke on the tip of my cock and alot of sucking and slobbering to polish it off. Any other recommendations?

— Diego

Recommendations? For what — more cures for premature ejaculation? Not to burst your bubble here, Diego, but if she takes the time to spread it around the tip of your cock, she’s probably trying to numb you up to keep you from cumming too soon. Classic old-school party girl trick.

Are you addicted to coke?

— Hannah

Nope — sing it with me, kids: “Drug use is not the same as drug abuse!”

well, how do you feel about speed?

— sarah jane

It’s ugly, cheap, and dangerous. Long ago I realized it wasn’t a coincidence that the nights I didn’t feel safe were also the nights that people around me were doing speed.

Call me an elitist, but that shit is for bottom-barrel white trash, and I stay the fuck away from the types who do it. Sure, it will keep the party going all night long, but that comes at the terribly high price of being surrounded by tweaked-out losers who don’t know the difference between psychosis and euphoria. Plus, a meth habit will suck the soul out of a person faster than any chemical I’ve ever seen.

No, thank you.

Do you ever find that a million cigarettes and interminable hours of retarded conversation about absolutely nothing makes the next morning way worse than anything your DARE Officer said Coke would do to you?

I loved my big coke days, but it was the Nat Shermans and quantum physics conversations with avant-garde artists and sex workers that ended up making me quit.

How do you maintain?

After that Teddy Grahams vid, I think we’re the same age. Do you have super powers? What’s your secret?

— Stephen B.

Funny you should mention it, but I can’t smoke and do blow at the same time. When I do, the next morning I feel like someone scraped my sinuses with a charcoal briquette. I’ve learned my lesson there, so it’s either one or the other.

As for the quantum physics conversations with avant-garde artists and sex workers, let me ask you this: would you rather it be Oprah’s book club conversations with real estate brokers and housewives? Not to knock housewives (some of those bitches are ten times as freaky as an average sex worker), but are you really trying to suggest that the edge-dwelling deviants in this town are somehow boring? No sir, Stevie B. I’m not buying it.

Still, I respect the nature of your question. It’s not uncommon anymore to find out the girl sitting next to me at the club was born in the fucking 90s. I recognize that eventually, I’ll have to move over for that little bitch. When I do I’ll simply make a graceful shift into more private recreation. I have a few wild friends in their 40s, and I’ve seen how they do it. You get a little older, make a little money, and just move the party up the hill.

have you ever done heroin or shot anything up? was it strange?

— james earl jones

James Earl Jones? Hilarious. Now I can’t help but hear the voice of King Jaffe Joffer every time I read this question, and it cracks me up! And no, I’ve never done heroin. The only time I use needles is for B12 injections (vitamins only, never drugs.)