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Advice

On drawing a line

Dear Coquette,

My best friend and my roommate (who is also one of my best friends) started having sex last year. My roommate was cheating on his girlfriend at the time, and my best friend got pissed off when he chose his girlfriend over her. He got pissed off that she read more into their sex than he intended, even though I’m not so sure she did. After the giant explosion of drama that I only caught shock waves of because I was working out of state for the summer, they kind of made up. They’ve been sporadically having sex ever since.

Here’s where it gets especially stupid. 1) They have sex. 2) He starts feeling bad because when he remembers that he thinks she’s unintelligent and that he doesn’t respect her. (He has said this to me.) He gets defensive and starts acting like a complete jackass to her. 3) She sees him acting like a jackass so she starts acting like a jackass. She’s disappointed because she thought things had changed, since he was being nice to her right before the sex. 4) Their mutual jackassery makes it really difficult to be around them because they make everything super-awkward. Her roommate and I have to listen to them complain about each other all the time. 5) After about a month or so, he starts being nice to her again because he wants to get laid. 6) They have sex and it starts all over again.

It’s starting again, and I’m so incredibly tired of it. If they had the ability to act like adults, I’d be able to stay out of it because I wouldn’t be involved in the first place. So what am I “allowed” to say? Anything? Nothing?

Ugh. I’m sick of all three of you just from reading that drama.

This ridiculousness is under your roof, so you should feel free to say whatever you want. Go ahead and verbally spank them. I would. Actually, I would lay down the law. Neither of them would be allowed to speak ill of the other. No whining. No complaining. No jackassery whatsoever.

This isn’t about you telling them what to do. This is about you refusing to let them pollute your environment with chaos. This is about their actions having consequences that extend beyond the immediate swirling mess of their own dysfunctional relationship.

Of course, the two of them can do whatever they want. They are adults, after all. Still, they don’t get to cross the threshold of your home or your head with another cycle of negativity.

Just remember, you are not obligated to put up with their immaturity, nor do you have to involve yourself by picking sides. It really is that simple. Just draw a line and don’t let either one cross it. Let ’em know. You’re sick of their behavior, both of them, and you refuse to tolerate another round of childishness.

If they can’t live up to your very reasonable expectations, be prepared to go stone cold on them. Total radio silence. If they can’t respect you enough to keep it to themselves, then consider moving on.

At the end of the day, you’re the one responsible for having mature, emotionally healthy people in your life.


Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

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Best-Of Advice

On painting over rust

Dear Coquette,

I spent my high school years being a bitter introvert and wasting my time hating girls who had boyfriends, because nobody was attracted to me. But now in my first year of college I’m trying to start my life over. I have a new haircut and wardrobe, I lost 12 pounds, I smile at people, I joined clubs… and it isn’t working.

I don’t know, maybe there’s something I’m still doing really wrong. I thought the skirts and thinner frame and sunnier personality would make me more attractive, but of the handful of guys I’ve met here, I’ve still got no takers. It’s hard not to ask myself “Why?” and fixate on stuff like my teeth or scalp problem. Those old feelings of being ugly, smelly and undesirable are coming back, and I’m beyond done. I’m sick of being the girl who sits in the corner and really wants to say hi to the good-looking classmate, but won’t because she’s too afraid of looking awkward and being rejected. I’m tired of thinking that Man A or B is too gorgeous to get stuck with a double bagger like me, and resigning myself and giving up.

I figured if there was anybody to ask how to get some confidence and self-worth, you’d be the woman for the job.

A haircut and a diet is how you start bikini season — not a complete life change. You’re trying to mask an inner core of bitter anxiety and self hatred with cosmetic changes. That never works. 

All I’m hearing from you is teeth, scalp and skirts. It’s all spray paint and a thin coat at that. Come on, kiddo. Everyone knows you can’t paint over rust. You’re fooling yourself if you think this stuff makes you sunnier. Quite the opposite. You’re still very bitter.

Do you even realize how negative you sound? No one wants to put up with that kind of attitude. You can’t fake sunny. Positive energy radiates from your core. I appreciate that you’re trying to smile at people, but I bet that’s just a coat of paint too. 

You can’t smile with bitterness in your heart. Not really. Sure, your face will make the right shape, but people can tell that it’s not real. A smile is a projection of an emotional state of love, and if your conscious mind is fixated on negativity, it’s gonna come off looking awkward, or worse, fake.

You want confidence? Okay. Give this “whole new you” process one more try, but this time, start from the inside and work your way to the surface.

Those old feelings of being ugly and undesirable have been there the whole time, and you need to sandblast them off of your soul. There is no easy way to do it. You’ve got to use all your inner strength, and it has to be tougher than all that gunk to get the job done. 

You have to be more sick of all this negativity than you are sick of sitting in the corner. Your desire to be friendly has to outweigh your fear of an awkward moment of rejection. I can’t tell you how to stop hating yourself, but that’s what you gotta do. 

Never again referring to yourself as a “double bagger” is a good place to start.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

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Advice

On a hug and a swift kick in the ass.

Dear Coquette,

My husband starting seeing someone else without my knowledge. A few weeks later, his deceit and manipulation led to the decision of divorce. I didn’t know about the girl then — he just started withholding information, being less open, etc. I found out much later that they were seeing each other well before he left. Things didn’t work out between them, to say the least. Cheating is just a symptom of a problem; I realize that it wasn’t anything special about her really but more about the problems that we had.

He and I stayed friends even after I found out about her, and got closer again when they broke up. But I can’t seem to shake the pain. I’m harboring it, the pain, the expectations. I think of this girl and I feel like I can never compare to the way he idealized her. I need to let go and let things be. I can’t wait around for him to come back to me. But when we talk, that’s all I want to know. Is there hope? Is there a chance? Will we get back together? What is he thinking, where is he currently, as far as his expectations? I want a play-by-play so that I can plan accordingly. But all this does is push him away and prevent me from really being present as an individual with thoughts outside of us. I can’t contribute anything except my anxiety.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I guess I just want a hug or a swift kick in the ass. Both maybe.

Don’t worry, I know what you’re asking. The long-form version of the question is “Why her and not me?” That’s the one your rational mind likes to spin on like a little hamster wheel of anxiety and confusion. The short-form version of the question is “Why her?” That’s the one your ego saves for moments of weakness and rage. Of course, the existential version of the question is simply “Why?” That’s the one that keeps you up at night and prevents you from moving on in any meaningful way.

I’m sorry to say, neither a hug nor a swift kick in the ass is gonna help get answers for you. Playing 20 questions with your emotionally stunted ex-husband isn’t gonna get you anywhere either. In fact, nothing is.

Sure, there are easily identifiable root causes and valid reasons for your divorce, but those are just the who, what, when and where. It’s healthy to analyze and process all that stuff, but it’s never going to churn into a fundamental and satisfying explanation. It sucks, but you need to get cozy with the brutal truth that there is no answer to why. You have to let go of that question. Until you do, the anxiety is gonna own you, and you’ll never really be able to move on.

That’s right. You have to move on — and yes, that really means what you think it means. It’s time to detach yourself emotionally from your ex. No more friendship. No more anger. No more holding out hope. You have to start listening to the stronger parts of your soul and ignoring the desperate little girl inside of you still clinging to the fantasy of reconciliation and some sort of happily-ever-after ending.

Get some distance. Quit making excuses for your ex-husband’s lack of integrity and emotional immaturity. Stop asking your ex-husband all those questions that you should be answering for yourself. For that matter, start referring to him as your ex-husband.

You don’t need a play-by-play from him to plan accordingly. You don’t need a damn thing from anyone other than yourself to confirm what you should already know. You can do better than a man who will always cheat on you. You can do better than a man who’s always halfway out the door. You can do better than a man who manipulates you with your own insecurities.

You can do better.


Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

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Best-Of Advice

On prince charming disease

Dear Coquette,

I love my boyfriend in a very warm, comfortable and affectionate way. We are on almost the same page intellectually, and we never fight. Things are pretty much “no complaints” all around. On my end, though, it’s not really a passionate love and never has been. He’s the best guy I’ve ever dated, and I do love him, but there is a small part of me that still wants to hold out for at least a steamy love affair before settling down with the safe and comfortable guy (or just find a good guy who also presses my buttons). I’m happy and couldn’t bring myself to leave my guy, but I wonder if this desire for something more exciting will rear up one day and make a big pile of relationship-ruining drama. Should I interpret this feeling as a sign I should leave, even though I don’t want to right now? Or should I just roll with it and deal with it later, if it really becomes a bigger issue?

 

At moments like these, I want to drive up to Forest Lawn, find Walt Disney’s grave, dig up whatever part of him wasn’t cryogenically frozen, and bitch-slap him for infecting generations of American women with something I like to call “Prince Charming Disease.”

This is a terrible affliction that causes grown-ass women to ruin perfectly good relationships by pining away for a nebulous cartoon fiction: passionate, steamy, “happily ever after” love.

“Snow White,” “Sleeping Beauty” and “Cinderella” are delicious fun when you’re a little girl, but fairy tales are lies we tell to children. The myth of Prince Charming has no business sneaking past Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and worming its way into your romantic expectations. Do you still write letters to the North Pole? Didn’t think so — and yet you’re still waiting to be swept off your feet.

You are happy in a stable, healthy relationship built on mutual love and respect with a man whom you consider your intellectual and emotional equal. Girl, you and I should be high-fiving like drunken frat boys at a strip club. Instead, you’re writing me about the the best guy you’ve ever dated like he’s the winter of your discontent.

You want to hold out for a steamy love affair? You actually used the word “steamy”? Are you kidding? Sure, you could find a guy who bends you over the furniture, but fresh sexual chemistry is a temporary high, and it isn’t gonna scratch your itch.

Your real problem is that you haven’t plowed through enough guys to realize that they’re all pretty much the same, and so every time the music swells at the end of a chick flick, you think you’re missing out on something magical.

Sorry, babe. Nobody is waiting around the corner on a white horse.

If you weren’t emotionally, intellectually or physically satisfied, that would be another story — just not this one. You’re happy, and nothing is broken except your childlike set of unrealistic romantic expectations, which would be quaint if they weren’t so damaging to adult relationships like yours.

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