Dear Coquette,

I’ve just recently come to the realization of my own mortality. In the time before I fall asleep, it absolutely terrifies me thinking not about how it will end, but that it ends, period. I know you’ve given this sort of advice before, but I can’t even get past this fear to the part where you realize, “This is it, enjoy it while it lasts.” I feel trapped by the inevitable, and I’ve been trying so hard to channel you, Coquette, so I just have to ask, will the fear subside? Will I eventually be able to fall asleep without having a near panic attack over my mortality? 

When your head hits the pillow, your mind begins the process of winding down after a long day of nonstop thinking. It’s dark. It’s quiet. The day is over, and suddenly it doesn’t have anything left to grind and chew.

Of course, your mind is built to grind and chew, and it isn’t ready to stop processing thoughts for the day, so what does it do? It reaches back into the dark and sticky parts of your brain to pull out whatever low-level anxiety it can find.

Your mind doesn’t know any better. It just wants to think, so you go ahead and let it gnaw away on your basic fears. That’s when your spine turns to glass and your ears become refrigerator coils and your guts squeeze dry and you’re filled with the warm oily horror that one day, yes, in fact, you are going to die.

We’ve all been there. It’s terrifying.

You allowed your mind to trigger what is essentially a fight-or-flight survival response when there isn’t any actual danger. It just wanted to play a game of chess, but instead, your mind started playing a game of global thermonuclear war.

If you don’t have a Xanax prescription handy, the best way to handle this kind of situation is to give your mind something to do while the rest of your sympathetic nervous system ratchets back down from Defcon 1.

Read a book. Turn on the television. Find an activity, and do a little deep breathing. Don’t worry, it doesn’t take much to distract your mind.

Once you’re done freaking out and you’ve relaxed enough to fall back asleep, stay aware of your mind’s tendency to grab on and chew inappropriate anxieties. Stay apart from it, and don’t let it keep chewing.

The trick is in separating yourself from your own mind. Allow yourself to stop thinking, and you’ll fall asleep peacefully every time.

Dear Coquette,

Going through bad break-ups, my roommate/co-worker/close friend and I slept together. This happened several months ago and it’s gotten messy. He was sad and wanted company so he said some things that sounded more intimate than they were, and I was sad and wanted company and believed him for awhile. It stopped abruptly, and we went back to being friends.

Over time, I developed feelings for him. Recently, I shared this with him and he essentially told me he wasn’t interested. Okay, so that’s done. I know how the saying goes, don’t shit where you sleep, but we still have to live together, work together, and share the same group of friends for another six months, and although we don’t talk about it with each other I know he’s seeing other people, spending the night at their place, etc. and this is all going on three feet from each other.

It shouldn’t get to me, but it still kind of hurts. I think we’re trying to be friends now, but I don’t know how to be his friend or if I even want to try. What’s done is done, and I guess what I’m asking is not so much anything else except how do I let it go? I feel so angry with him all the time and I’m not even sure why anymore.

You seem pretty rational about this, and it sounds like you’ve processed most of your emotions already, which is why I’m surprised you don’t recognize that you’re not actually angry with him. The person you’re really angry with is yourself. You’re merely projecting your anger onto him, and it’s turning into resentment because of the close quarters.

Anytime you catch yourself saying things like, “It shouldn’t get to me, but…” that should be a big red flag. It means you aren’t giving yourself permission to feel your own emotions. It means you’re trying to rationalize your way out of emotional pain. That kind of thing never works.

You were rejected. Of course that hurts. It’s perfectly okay for it to hurt. Go ahead and let it get to you. Feel that pain, process it, and then move on. Whatever you do, don’t keep dismissing your feelings because your rational mind supposedly knows better than to shit where you sleep.

This guy represents a rejection after a bad break-up. That’s adding insult to injury. Acknowledge how that makes you feel, and then take a step back and re-assess your entire situation. I think you’ll start to recognize that it’s not even about him, really. It’s about how you allowed yourself to be vulnerable in the first place.

You’ve been angry at yourself for that vulnerability, and it’s been poisoning your friendship this whole time. The next step is to quit being so damned hard on yourself.

There’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, so forgive yourself.

If you can do that, the anger will go away, and you’ll truly be over this.

Dear Coquette,

My dad left my mother for a difficult woman when I was 21. At first, I tried to make nice with the lady, which proved complicated, seeing as she repeatedly put down my father in front of me and the rest of his family. He allowed it and I decided that however painful it was to watch him shrink like that, it was his business, not mine.

One night, she got a bit drunk and began to attack my then-boyfriend at dinner, mocking him in a language he did not speak. I stood up for him. She then turned on me. I stood up for myself. She proceeded to shout that I was a spoiled brat (I was 25), that my father didn’t need me in his life, and that she wanted me out of it. When I turned to my dad in disbelief, he cowered and sided with her. That was in 2005.

My dad and I resumed a relationship a year later, but he was not there for my wedding in 2010, arguing that his new wife had not been invited and that she was expecting an apology from me. He said he wanted me to have a relationship with her, and I said I gladly would, but that he shouldn’t expect me to roll over if she becomes aggressive with me. He said he didn’t want any conflict, and so he’d rather we left it at that. I love my dad, so it still hurts. It’s taken me the better part of the decade to accept that my father has no courage.

Here’s my issue: I want my future children to have a granddad. While he’s made huge efforts to mend the relationship, things with his wife are the same. My husband and I sometimes fantasize about showing up at their doorstep and acting like nothing happened, actively ignoring their bullshit and enjoying my father full-time again. Is that a bad idea? If so, what else can I do? 

It takes a certain kind of soul-stained bitch to seek out married men as potential husbands, especially married men with children. People like that don’t change, and even though it’s been a decade, your stepmother still sees you as a potential threat to her marriage. 

You will always be the strong-willed stepdaughter that she can’t control, and therefore, you will always be an enemy, just as she considered your mother to be an enemy 10 years ago when she was pulling her textbook homewrecking maneuver on your family.

It’s an ugly way to go through life, one that I doubt she would even admit to herself, but one that nonetheless is affecting your family dynamic to this very day. You need to start acknowledging this. I’m not suggesting you take her on as your enemy. That’s a waste of negative emotion. Instead, you should simply recognize that she considers you to be her enemy, and wherever possible, use it to your advantage.

You will always be your father’s daughter. Nothing will ever change that. On the other hand, your stepmother might lose her edge one day or your dad might grow some balls, and suddenly she could be out of the picture for good. That is the source of your power. Never forget it.

Of course, your instincts are correct. You’re the one with the power, but the best use of your power is in not having to wield it at all. Simply ignore her. Show up at their door and act like nothing ever happened. Let your stepmother be of no consequence to you whatsoever.

Remember, if you don’t let her under your skin, she can’t interfere with your relationship with your father.

Dear Coquette,

I’m having trouble processing the immense wealth of my boyfriend’s family. A solidly middle class upbringing did not prepare me for casual offerings of first class flights to Hawaii and biweekly dates at Osteria Mozza. I love spending time with him and his family and appreciate their generosity, but I’m torn between attempting to be an Independent Woman and dying to see the inside of a country club. Advice please?

If your independence is threatened by a rich boyfriend, you’re doing it wrong. Relax. Have another bite of maltagliati with wild boar ragu, and quit acting like they’ve already asked you to sign a prenup. You’re hardly a kept woman at this stage in the game, so don’t let other people’s money go to your head.

There is nothing mutually exclusive about being in relationships with wealthy men and being an independent woman. I’ve done both all my life, and it’s as simple as having your own career, making your own money, and paying your own bills. When your boyfriend picks up the tab for extravagances, the trick is to be gracious without being uncomfortable. It’s fine if you get used to him spending money on you, but never let it become something you expect.

Oh, and as for the country club, prepare for disappointment. I think you’ll find that watching a bunch of old white men play golf isn’t worth having to observe the dress code.

My parents believe that education is everything and success is not achievable without it. Although I am a junior at a respectable college, I just don’t consider myself an academically oriented person and simply do not enjoy school very much. I am fascinated with the entertainment industry and always fantasize about somehow making a living through that world. Should I take a risk and pursue my dreams or continue going through school and do what is expected of me?

Every morning, the entertainment industry wakes up and devours the fresh souls of a thousand fascinated children who can’t tell the difference between chasing a fantasy and pursuing a dream. Don’t be one of them. Stay in school, kiddo. Get your degree.

This is not dream-killing advice. If you had an actual dream to pursue, I might have given you a different answer. Thing is, your desire to make a living in the entertainment industry is just as nebulous and without meaning as someone who wants nothing more than to be famous.

Do you want to be a television writer or a fashion designer? Do you dream of making it as a sports agent or a cinematographer? If you can’t be bothered to give me that level of focus followed up with some legitimate passion, then you aren’t even worthy of an internship.

Dear Coquette,

I started dating an older guy about four months ago. Even though I waited a while to sleep with him and tried to take it slow, he somehow Jedi mind-tricked me, and it turned into a casual sex relationship. Once I realized this, I was already addicted to the sex and couldn’t shake the habit. Like all women do, I eventually started to get attached. It seemed like things started moving in the right direction and then, BAM, I find out he’s married. His wife is out of the country and isn’t coming back for over a year and I’m not sure if they 1) are still married, 2) got married for his citizenship or 3) are separated. He has no idea that I know, and I have been avoiding him while I try to figure out what to do. He is starting to get impatient and frustrated that I have been unavailable. I don’t know what to do or whether to tell him, “Hey, I know you are married because i stalked your Facebook.” 

Nothing but brutal life lessons will ever come out of a relationship with a manipulative and married older man, so end it. You don’t even owe him an explanation. Just break up with him. Boom. Done.

Now that the simple stuff is out of the way, let’s focus on your real problem. You are pathetic, my dear. You’re a whiny little brat with a victim mentality and no integrity, and you’ve got to change your entire mode of thinking.

This guy didn’t Jedi mind-trick you. He’s just smarter than you, and you’re not willing to accept responsibility for your own sex life. Also, you weren’t “addicted to the sex,” nor was it a habit you couldn’t shake. You merely enjoyed the sex, but you’re so uncomfortable with your own sexuality that you can’t even acknowledge taking willful pleasure in it.

Essentially, you’re slut-shaming yourself. Stop doing that. There’s nothing wrong with being in a casual sexual relationship. However, there is something wrong betraying people’s trust by violating their privacy. You kind of got what you deserved when you discovered he was married, but still, have some integrity. It’s not OK to snoop around and Facebook stalk.

Dear Coquette,

How many one-night stands can a girl have before normal people start to judge her?

Oh dear, there is so much wrong with this question. First of all, there’s no such thing as normal people, darling. Not the way you mean it. We’re all freaks. Every last one of us.

Secondly, quit putting your sexual encounters on a scoreboard. How many one-night stands you have is far less important than why you’re having them in the first place.

Finally, your sex life is nobody else’s business. Quit worrying about being judged, and do what you can to cut judgmental people out of your life. Respect yourself, enjoy your sexuality, and ignore the haters.

Dear Coquette,

I may have let my flirting get the best of me, and now this guy expects me to hook up with him. Should I just suck it up and sleep with him?

Ugh, I want to reach through my computer and smack you upside the head. You never have to sleep with a guy just because he expects you to hook up with him. Come on, girl. Have some dignity.

Dear Coquette,

I’m not attracted to my husband anymore. I don’t respect him anymore, either. We’ve been married for four years, we’re in our 20s and we don’t have any kids. I realize that the fire fades, and that it’s hard if not impossible to keep up a rocking sex life consistently and long-term, but I actually feel mild disgust at the prospect of having sex with him. Intimacy is pretty much shot, and when we do have sex it’s just “going through the motions.” Is there any way to get attraction back? Is there any way for me to respect him again? Or does that stuff only exist in fiction and should I be happy that I’m with someone who cares enough to make dinner and ask about my day?

Damn, girl. How much weight did he gain? Not that it matters, I suppose. The real problem isn’t that you no longer want to have sex with your husband. It’s that you don’t respect him anymore. That’s ugly stuff. You can fall in and out of love over the course of a marriage, but once you’ve lost respect, it’s pretty much impossible to bounce back.

I get it. It’s rough out there for a young married couple. Life started beating both of you down, but instead of finding strength in one another, you found fault in each other’s weaknesses. Based on your tone, I’m guessing this isn’t the result of any infidelity or emotional abuse. This is just a garden-variety case of your husband’s emasculation followed by a vicious circle of mutual resentment that festered into disrespect. After all, you can’t respect a man who doesn’t respect himself.

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you that everything’s gonna work out, but I’m not the type to blow smoke. Unless you both work together at putting fresh energy into yourselves and your relationship, you’re probably gonna end up getting a divorce. There’s a small chance you’ll find a way to hit the reset button on your marriage, but whatever happens, you’ll be starting from scratch. It’s going to be difficult.

The only thing I can suggest you do is talk to your husband about how you feel. Find out how he’s been feeling. Try a little couples counseling if you need a referee. Make a plan to change things together and give it an honest shot. If your marriage doesn’t improve, do what you gotta do.

Oh, and one more thing. Whatever else happens, don’t get pregnant. You’ve got no business bringing kids into this situation until you know how it’s going to play out.