Coquette, How do you let friends know that, despite the sexual tension between you, you aren’t going to sleep with them? I hate meeting men and hanging out with them and then having the awkward “just friends” talk.

Yeah, I don’t do the “just friends” talk. It’s a bullshit cliché wrapped up in a fundamental misinterpretation of platonic versus romantic relationships.

It’s better to be brutally direct. If a guy in your life is making unwelcome sexual advances, hit him hard and fast with what he really needs to hear. Look him in the eye and say, “We are never going to have sex. Ever. It’s not gonna happen, so back the hell off.”

Leave no room for confusion. Of course, part of leaving no room for confusion is not allowing sexual tension to build between you in the first place. If you’re never gonna have sex with a guy, it’s not fair to lead him on like that.

Could you spell out the difference between platonic and romantic relationships? Maybe this should be self-evident to me, but it’s not. I feel like once you take away all the bullshit of romantic relationships, they basically become platonic.

The biggest misconception about romantic relationships is that if you drain out all the lust and limerence, you’re then left with a platonic relationship.

Nope. That’s not how it works. Platonic relationships are not merely sexless renditions of romantic ones. They are fundamentally different, built entirely on their own spiritual and intellectual foundations.

It’s a shame that “platonic” is commonly used as a polite substitute for “non-sexual,” because that only further confuses the subject. Quite frankly, it’s an insult to the idea of platonic love that people constantly assume it’s the same thing as romantic love minus the sex. Plato himself would have turned up his nose at such a simplistic interpretation of the concept.

Is there an advisable period that a “just sex” relationship should last?

The implication you’re making by calling it “just sex” is that the relationship is neither romantic nor platonic. Be careful with that, because to some degree, any relationship that lasts longer than it takes you to orgasm is more than “just sex.”

Keep that in mind as you move forward, and make sure to only let the relationship last as long as everyone involved is on the same page emotionally.

(Nerve)

In a moment of completely fucked up clarity, my ex girlfriend admitted that she was always underwhelmed by our sex life owing to my penis size (5 inches). We’re long broken up and with new people now, but this still stung and has made me feel inadequate even with my current partner. Not sure what I want you to say, other than affirmation that she was out of line to say this at all. What do you think?

What I think depends entirely on whether you’re one of those incredibly annoying guys who pesters his ex-girlfriends for a list of reasons why things didn’t work out. If that’s you, then sorry pal, you got what you deserved.

If that’s not you, and your ex just happens to be a magnificent bitch who decided to assassinate your ego for shits and giggles, then I’m genuinely sorry, because you didn’t deserve that at all.

Either way, now you’re stuck with the knowledge that an ex was always underwhelmed with both your penis size and your former sex life. A lesser man would let that kind of bullshit bother him, which pretty much sums up your entire problem, because now you believe — literally and figuratively — that you’re somehow a lesser man.

Quit it. You’re not a lesser man. You’re just an average man, literally because your penis size falls within the median range, and figuratively because you’re like most dudes who assume that the dimensions of your genitalia are somehow a direct measure of your sexual prowess.

You should really stop thinking like that. Sure, size matters, but not nearly as much as you assume it does. If your ex-girlfriend really was sexually underwhelmed, then an extra inch or two wasn’t going to be the thing that suddenly overwhelmed her.

You need to just accept that you weren’t all that sexually compatible with your ex and get the rest of this mess out of your head, because the fact that you feel inadequate is infinitely more likely to ruin whatever current sex you’re having than the actual size of your penis.

(Nerve)

I’m too self-absorbed to love a partner more than I love myself. He’s the exact same way. I’m not sure where we’re going, but I want a partnership that lasts, and I don’t see it with him. It’s been four months. He’ll be in my life for at least the next four, if not the next two years.

And it’s not like I don’t try; when I am cognizant of his feelings, I take care of them. I bring him food and I’m giving in bed. But he doesn’t get me off, and we don’t talk about our feelings. There’s something cold about him; and something withdrawn and prickly about me.

So do I just walk away? I want to hold on. I want to keep him, though I don’t know why.

Ah, yes. You’re at an interesting point in your relationship. You recognize that four months is too soon to be planning the next four years, but it’s also long enough to where you’re past the schmoopy courtship phase. The honeymoon is over (not that you two ever had one), but still, things are getting rational, and now you’re trying to figure out whether there’s a fundamental compatibility that could carry things long-term.

It feels like you’re leaning towards no, as if you want me to nudge you over the top of your decision to end the relationship. If that’s what you’re secretly hoping I’ll do, then accept it and act accordingly. If the coin is still being flipped, then you’re just going to have to call it in the air. Hold on or walk away, it’s entirely up to you.

The best advice I can give as you make your lists of pros and cons is to step back as far from this relationship as possible. See a bigger picture. Are you content to describe yourself as self-absorbed, withdrawn, and prickly? Is that who you want to be? You don’t have to know where your relationship is going, but you do have to know yourself.

Will this relationship allow you to continue growing into the person that you want to become? Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. Again, that’s your call, but if you decide that you’re in it, jump head first and put energy into making the relationship work. If you done, get the hell out hard and fast before you drift through another four months.

Whatever you do, don’t let inertia be the determining force in your relationship.

(Nerve)