Category Archives: Advice

Advice

On tomorrow’s abortion

You said our decisions don’t matter, and I agree that’s true for most circumstances, but yesterday I found out that I’m pregnant.

Within 30 minutes of knowing, I scheduled an appointment at an abortion clinic. I’m 21, a junior in college, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I informed him and my best friend after already making the decision. I was calm and surprisingly unemotional. My boyfriend freaked out quite a bit, but he was calmed by my decision. I can’t decide if I should talk to someone, if I need to, what I would say, or how I feel.

PLEASE Coquette, I’ve been reading your stuff for years, and have written to you before, but this is debilitating. I didn’t go to class yesterday or today, which I never do.

My family is incredibly Catholic (my oldest brother is a priest and has protested outside many an abortion clinic). The majority of me knows that this is by far the best option, but I have this lingering undercurrent of guilt that I ought to be feeling guilty and ashamed. Please, Coquette. I never thought that you would be the person I turn to, but damnit I need you.

You’re still in shock, so don’t try to over-think your emotional state.

Everything you’re feeling is perfectly normal. The emotions will come in waves over the next few days, and most of them will be negative. There will be times when you feel all kinds of feelings, and there will be times when you’re just plain numb.

Don’t worry about feeling guilty for not feeling any guilt. (That makes a lot more sense than you think it does.) There will be guilt and shame involved in this decision, but you don’t have to figure it all out it yet. Just know, you’re definitely going to feel relieved when it’s over. (Then again, you’re gonna feel guilty about feeling relieved — that’s okay too.)

You’ll have plenty of time in the coming weeks to process your emotions, and yes, you should probably talk to somebody. If possible, find a neutral third party, preferably a school counselor or professional therapist who isn’t associated with your family or the church. (Don’t seek counsel from anyone who judges you for this decision.)

Remember, this is nobody’s fucking business but your own. Who you tell or don’t tell is entirely up to you. Don’t worry about missing a couple days of class, take care of yourself, and be strong.

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Advice

On a treacherous condescending bitch

Dear Coquette,

I dated a man in my circle of friends for two years. I thought we were in a happy, committed relationship but he cheated. Three years later, he’s still with the woman and she’s become close with some of my girlfriends and is present for happy hour, girls’ night, etc.

She’s a fun, life-of-the-party kind of girl so I see why everyone enjoys her company. But I really don’t like being around her. Whenever she talks about him, she makes some sort of apology to me, like, “Oh, my boyfriend said the funniest thing … Oh, sorry, honey.” I hate it. It’s like she’s constantly trying to say that I got kicked to curb so he could trade up.

I try to be friendly with her, and I don’t let how I really feel about her show. I don’t talk sh** behind her back (except to my sister) but I feel so fake for hanging out with a woman I can’t stand. I don’t want the guy back, and I’m happier now than when I was with him. I just don’t like the bitch.

It’s been three years and I want to move on. I hate this negativity. I just don’t know what to do to shake it. I want to avoid her, but I’m afraid that if I do that, or if I let people know that I don’t like being around her, it will seem petty. It seems petty to me as I type it. And maybe it is. That’s why I need you.

You always seem to have such insight into people’s emotions. I guess I need someone who is outside of it to give me some advice. What should I do, Coquette? Do I avoid her, get her out of my life? Or do I just continue to brush off her comments?

Don’t make this about her. This is about you. You’ve been holding onto this negativity for three years because you think she’s the one you can’t stand, but the brutal truth is that you hate yourself, and you’re just projecting your own self-loathing onto an easy target.

Not that she doesn’t deserve to be a target, because she sounds like a treacherous, condescending bitch. Go ahead, say it out loud: She is a treacherous, condescending bitch. Scream it if you want, because it’s the damn truth, and you’ve been too much of a pathetic little doormat to let the world know how you feel.

Let it out, girl. Quit worrying what other people might think is petty. All you’re doing is invalidating your own emotions, and that’s the underlying reason you’re filled with so much self-loathing in the first place. Openly acknowledge that you can’t stand being in the same room as that duplicitous ho-bag, and don’t make any apologies for feeling that way. Once you do that, I promise you won’t feel fake for hanging out with her.

In fact, you probably won’t mind so much, because you’ll stop feeling the need to be friendly with her. After all, she isn’t your friend. She is and always has been the enemy, and up until now, you haven’t been a worthy adversary. Of course you should still maintain decorum, but being polite isn’t the same thing as being friendly. (Do you think she’s being friendly when she says, “Sorry, honey?” Hell no. She’s just being cordial while rubbing your nose in the fact that she stole your man.)

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether you avoid this woman, cut her our of your life or continue brushing her off. She is of no consequence. What’s important is that you give yourself permission to feel your emotions, stop being a doormat, and eventually forgive yourself for putting up with this kind of crap for three long years.

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Advice

On goal-oriented dating

I’m in my last year at a good university, enjoying life and getting excited about heading out into the professional world. My biggest insecurity is that I’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted longer than a month. In high school, I was a late bloomer in the dating scene and never even hooked up with someone until the summer before Senior year. Most of my “relationships” (if you want to call them that) have been with girls whose company I enjoy but the chemistry just never seems right. I just can’t seem to find the right girl that I’m both attracted to and has a personality that matches mine. I’m an attractive, social guy, and I don’t put out the desperate vibe – I feel like it’s just circumstance that I haven’t found anyone. But it’s gotten to the point that it really bothers me. I feel like college is a time when I am surrounded by people my own age and of similar intelligence – if I graduate without having had a single meaningful relationship, I’m going to be pretty unhappy. Am I being overly analytical? Should I be less picky?

You don’t need to be less picky. You need to be in less of a hurry. Your problem isn’t that you’re being overly analytical. It’s that you’ve got a ridiculous master plan for your life that includes charts and graphs and a timetable.

I know your type. There’s a voice in the back of your head constantly reminding you that you’re supposed to be married with 2.5 kids and a golden retriever by the time you’re in your mid-thirties. This voice says you’re supposed to date around for a few years before you find the perfect girl and settle down. It says you’re supposed to be in a stable, long-term relationship for a couple years before you get married, and it says you’re supposed to be married for a little while before you start having kids.

This voice in the back of your head (which sounds suspiciously like your mother) has already done the math, and quite frankly, it’s a little disappointed that you didn’t find your future wife during college. Well, guess what, skipper? You need to tell that voice to shut the fuck up, or you’re gonna end up leading a miserable life.

You’re wrong about what will make you unhappy. It isn’t the fact that you might graduate without having had a single meaningful relationship. It’s that you’re blind to the fact that regardless how long they’ve lasted, all of your relationships have been meaningful.

Every random hookup, every super cool chick you weren’t really attracted to, every potential girlfriend that fizzled after the third date — all of them count as meaningful relationships, especially during your college years.

Your single biggest mistake is that you think you have to find the right girl and spend a predetermined amount of time in a relationship before it counts as meaningful. (I’m guessing with you, it’s probably three months.)

Do yourself a huge favor and throw the timetable and your “right girl” checklist out the window. Stop being so damned goal-oriented with your dating. Come on, man. You’re in your early twenties. Smell some fucking roses already.

(Check out my latest column over at Playboy, and fellas, feel free to send me your questions at dearcoquette@playboy.com.)

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Advice

On being gone

I’m about to give up on you. You seldom update anymore. I know you must be busy, but it makes me sad. I need more of your snark and honesty!

I just got home after a crazy month of travel. Gimme a couple days to get my shit together. I’ll be back.

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Advice

On how you look at it

Dear Coquette,

Do you think we’re a benefit to the Earth? Or unhealthy for it?

You would be wise to do two things:

First, don’t flatter yourself. We are of no consequence, and the Earth is indifferent. On a geological time scale, our measurable effect on the planet is a greasy burp.

Second, don’t separate yourself. It’s ridiculous to pretend that the concept of the collective “we” is somehow detached from the concept of the earth. There is no difference between the two.

What you’re really asking is whether our species in its current state of evolution is a benefit to the broader concept of life, and the only legitimate answer to a question like that is a Zen-like shrug of the shoulders.

Maybe we are. Maybe we aren’t. We’ll see.


Do you think a quarter-life crisis is an actual thing? I’m 20 years old and I feel like my life is over.

Your life isn’t over. Your childhood is over, and you just don’t know the difference yet.

As for whether a quarter-life crisis is an actual thing, sure it is. You can have an existential crisis at any age, and it’s perfectly reasonable to freak out in your early twenties when you suddenly realize that life is one big grind.

That’s no excuse to wallow in it, though. You’ve only got a few years in your early twenties when it’s culturally acceptable to screw around trying to find yourself. Don’t waste them being filled with angst and ennui.


As an average American, what do you think about the middle class?

The middle class is a cultural cliché without an internally consistent definition. It’s just an idiomatic device used by politicians and those in the media who want to represent the broadest area under the socio-economic bell curve. When reporters use it, they mean “not the rich and not the poor.” When candidates use it, they mean “you and everyone you know.”

The subtle counterpoint is calling me an “average American.” That phrase doesn’t draw attention to class distinctions, and it also has nationalistic connotations, which is why you’ll find more Democrats using the phrase “the middle class” and more Republicans using the phrase “average Americans.”

And of course, that’s really what you’re doing with this carefully loaded cocktail-party question. You’re just trying to suss out my political leanings.

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Advice

On beginning and endings

Dear Coquette,

I’ve been hooking up with my neighbor for a couple months now, and I’m starting to catch feelings (like most girls do) but I know that he doesn’t want a relationship, or at least the responsibility that comes with one. Hell, I don’t even know if I do, but being around him is unbeatable, and what can I say? The sex is great. What to do?

First of all, quit denying that you are in a relationship. Yes, you are in one.

Don’t freak out. I didn’t say it was a committed romantic relationship, but it’s ridiculous to assume that a couple months’ worth of friendship and sex doesn’t count as a relationship. You’re definitely not girlfriend and boyfriend, but so what? Labels aren’t as important as you might think, and you certainly don’t need them to comfortably define the parameters of this thing.

The next step is to figure out what you want. Relax. There is no rush. All you have to do is stay honest with yourself. If your emotions for this guy keep getting stronger, acknowledge them. If you feel like you need a certain level of commitment, let him know. If you start getting jealous or possessive, air that stuff out. Whatever you do, don’t deny your feelings.

Maybe it works out, maybe it doesn’t, but the most important thing for you to focus on right now is emotional honesty.


I was reading The Coquette from way back, back in 2010, when I got to a post you wrote about a relationship ending that was wonderful while it lasted (you spoke about externalizing your pain with exercise, which I thought was pretty great and I may try it out). I’m rounding the corner on what has been the most perfect and honestly fun relationship. It’s ending too soon, due to renewed distance, and there’s nothing to be done. I want to just be grateful it happened and enjoy the end of it, but my heart creaks and breaks when I think about leaving it behind. How do I deal? Will it just go away? I really don’t want it to.

You’ve got the right idea when you say you want to be grateful and enjoy the end of the relationship. More that that, you can even enjoy the heartbreak. It’s not as difficult as you think. All you have to do is accept the inevitable.

Everything ends, and acceptance of that fact will lead to a more peaceful experience. You’ll still have negative emotions, but they will manifest as sadness instead of anger or frustration.

That’s a good thing, because a little bit of sadness accompanied with fond memories is something you can learn to enjoy for its own sake.  Bittersweet is an acquired taste, but it can be savored nonetheless.

Your relationship is ending. Don’t bargain with it. Don’t ignore it. Don’t bang your head against it. Just accept it, and allow your heart to break.

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Advice

On more red state mail

I just finished reading your column “unsolicited advice” about Ann Romney.  I have a couple of questions.

1.  Will you document and criticize the DNC for what Michelle Obama is wearing. I am sure she will not be wearing KMart.

2. Define hypocrisy,  here is my example.  Women who out of one side of their mouth want to have the right and funding to abort the result of their careless and risky actions. (yes I support abortions for medical and rape circumstances), while they also want funding from the miserable rich people for for birth control ( check the DNC speaking list).

Your pathetic, and if I were you, I wouldn’t put my real name out there either.

1. No, Michelle Obama will not be wearing K-Mart. She prefers Alexander McQueen and Thakoon Panichgul. The First Lady has fucking style.

2. You clearly don’t understand the concept of hypocrisy (or the concept of reproductive freedom.) Hypocrisy is when anti-choice cunts like you secretly get abortions.

Also, it’s “you’re pathetic,” not “your pathetic.”


Why do Liberals never accept other people’s viewpoints. As usual, you know better than everybody else.  For openers, Romney could never overturn Roe vs Wade.  Do not act like this might happen.  It sounds to me like you had a problem with your mom. Lighten up!

Liberals don’t know better than everybody else. They just know better than people like you.


The letter to Anne Romney smacks of jealousy! It is sophomoric and disingenuous.

Was my letter also fallacious and puerile? Was it ambiguous and oblique? Mendacious and guileful?

You can’t impress me with big words when you don’t even know the difference between jealousy and envy. (Not that I’m either.)

Also, Ann doesn’t spell her name with an “e.”


You have no idea what you are talking about. How dare you assume what Ann Romney’s views are. She is pro Planned Parenthood, but privately funded, and believes in everyone’s right to contraception. I could go on, but I know you write like a copywriter and like pithy….. Your ego is the breadth and height of Mount Everest with nothing but rock in between….

Clint Eastwood? Is that you?

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Advice

On shameless self-promotion

I love that you are doing a column for Playboy. No really, I wish everyone had mandatory Coquette classes in high school. But still, can you address this old “dying publication that hasn’t been culturally relevant in any of our lifetimes” line of yours now. I’d never want to sound like I’m accusing you of hypocrisy, but I’m curious about how you’ll explain it.

Why do you think they asked to partner up with me? They know the score, and they’re looking to change up their game.

Just watch. I think you’ll see a very interesting shift in the Playboy brand over the next couple years.


Wait… do those classy-as-fuck handbags mean you’re not gonna sell trashy jewelry anymore? I LOVED that shit.

The jewelry was a collaboration with artist Steven Shein, and it was always meant to be limited edition. Don’t worry, though. There’s gonna be all sorts of new stuff coming soon!


Will Notes To My Future Husband be in that section of Urban Outfitters with the quirky readers and resplendent knickknacks?

Not sure about Urban, but it will definitely be on the new arrivals table at Barnes and Noble in October.

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Advice

On coming off as a typical retarded liberal

Your “calling out idiots on hateful intolerance” is wrong in the first place. They’re promoting freedom of speech and you don’t have the cognitive ability to realize that. You come off as a typical retarded liberal.

Just because a bunch of easily herded idiots claim to be promoting freedom of speech, that doesn’t make them noble, especially when all they’re really doing is promoting fried chicken and ignorance.

Keep sending the hate mail, though. I fucking love it.

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Advice

On red state mail

You have ruined my enjoyment of The Daily. I used to just skip your bullshit advice but tonight I read your hate filled, intolerant, prejudiced article about the Duggar family. So then I read the advice column in the same issue, why not go for broke! Your advice to the gay guy living in the south solidified my desire to cancel my subscription. The people at Chic-fil-a were not there because they are opposed to his existence! They were there to show their support for marriage being between a man and a woman. Calling them ignorant because their views may be different from others is so hateful, and intolerant. I’m sick of the double standard and intolerance coming from people that should know better.

So, you’re calling me hateful and intolerant for calling you idiots out on your hateful intolerance?

Go fuck yourself.


The writer addressing the Chick-Fil-A “thing” and you are overreacting. No one is “opposed to his or her existence” and the folks who support the owner’s stance on gay marriage are not “pathetic and ignorant”. They merely have an opinion different than your own. They don’t call you “pathetic and ignorant”. You should respect others opinions and not be so vile when their opinions are different than your own. I supported Chick-Fil-A not because of any hard stance on gay marriage (I personally believe there are much bigger things to worry about) I supported them because this is America and I believe you still have a right to express your own opinion. He made his comment while being interviewed and it was in answer to a question he was asked. He’s not radical in his opposition but he is opposed. Chill out with the name calling. It just make gays look angry and mean. Your cause will advance much quicker if you’re recognized as the normal, kind and giving people you (for the most part) really are.

Oh, I’m sorry. Was I getting too uppity? Thanks for your condescending note to chill out. You’re right, that’s definitely the best way to advance the cause.

Now please go fuck yourself.


In regards to your response to the gay southern gentleman, I was a chick filet “stand in liner” and I hope that history sees us, not in support for the chick filet ‘statement’ but in support of the ability to state any of our opinions and beliefs without fear of retribution of government or fear of groups wanting to bankrupt me.  I agree with you that your writer shouldn’t take it personally, the stand that was taken was certainly NOT because he or anyone else is gay, but solely about the freedom of speech and expression that this country was founded on.  In a country so diverse, I believe that all speech and beliefs should be respected and defended, not just the speech we happen to agree with. Thank you for allowing me to set the record straight.

You’re welcome. Too bad you’re just plain wrong. All speech should not be respected. All beliefs should not be defended. Quit confusing the First Amendment for a license that justifies having ignorant ass opinions.

Better yet, just go fuck yourself.


Your full of shit, people could receive better advice from a magic 8 Ball.

It’s “you’re full of shit,” not “your full of shit.”

Also, go fuck yourself — preferably in the ear with a pair of scissors.

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