You talk about things that “corrode the soul,” so does that mean you believe in souls?

Probably not like you mean it. I don’t believe in any supernatural notions of the soul, nor do I subscribe to philosophical dualism, but it’s almost impossible to discuss the mysteries of the universe (both inner and outer) without falling back on spiritually loaded language.

I use the word “soul” to poetically represent a mind generated non-corporeal self model. It’s not something that lives on after death. There’s nothing mystical or divine about it, but that doesn’t make the concept of a soul any less potent or beautiful.

Quite frankly, C.S Lewis was right when he said, “You don’t have a Soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” He was just wrong about the semantics.

What is this website? Why isn’t there an easy-to-find introduction?

This is an advice column. Boom. You’ve been introduced.

If you’re a little confused, it’s probably because you’ve spent your life being hand-held and spoon-fed in a world filled with picture menus, warning labels, and easy payments of $19.95. That’s fine, but it’s not what I do here.

Please, by all means, stay and read for a while. It shouldn’t take long before you can answer your own questions. It may not be easy, but it’s always better to find them yourself.

That’s the point, really.

Dear Coquette,

How the hell can you NOT hate someone who abused you for 18 years?

If you can’t imagine yourself not hating someone, that means you’ve allowed that hate to become a part of your identity. You believe the hate you feel is an integral and inseparable part of you, but I promise, it’s not. You think it defines who you are, but all it does is corrode your soul.

It really is as simple as letting go of the hate. It may take some time to process all of your emotions, but that’s perfectly okay. The moment you realize that you don’t have to hold onto all that anger and resentment, you’re on a path to forgiveness.

And yes, forgiveness is your eventual goal. Not for your abuser’s sake — for yours. Forgiveness is not the same thing as absolution. It doesn’t mean your abuser is free from the consequences of his or her behavior just because you’ve let go of your anger and resentment. All it means is that you are free from the consequences of their behavior.

Remember, as long as you hate someone, that person still has the power to bring chaos into your life, but by letting go of the hate, you take away that power forever.

What does “I’m emotionally unavailable” even mean? I’m getting too much of that phrase from the guy I’m seeing. Could it also be the reason why we are termed “seeing each other” and not “in a proper relationship”?

In the context of a romantic relationship, the phrase “I’m emotionally unavailable” is a catch-all excuse used by selfish people to rationalize patterns of behavior ranging from garden-variety lack of character to downright malignant narcissism.

If the dude you’re seeing says he’s emotionally unavailable, believe him. It means that not only does he not love you, but he’s not capable of loving you, most likely because he’s too busy loving someone else. No, not another woman. Himself.

If he’s been saying it from the beginning of the relationship, you’re an idiot for not taking the hint and moving on. If he started tossing around the phrase only after sleeping with you, run for the hills. He’s bad news.

Of course, if you’re a love-stoned glutton for punishment, feel free to ignore the obvious and immerse yourself in an unhealthy, imbalanced relationship with a guy who’s neither willing nor able to make a meaningful connection with you.

I hooked up with a girl who goes to my college. Now she is starting to act like my girlfriend. I don’t want to date her, but I would like to be friends with her. Is there a good way to go about that without seeming like a jerk?

Quit worrying about seeming like a jerk, and just don’t be one. Tell her flat out that you don’t want to date her. Be honest, straightforward and compassionate. Don’t string her along, and don’t hook up with her again.

How can you speak so genuinely on forgiveness, yet when it comes down to your own mortal enemy, you still ignite into an angry woman wanting to duke it out with her? I am very, very sorry if I sound cynical or judging. I am honestly wondering on “how” you are able to do so. I am truly curious on this subject since I am struggling with forgiveness and have read through a lot of your insight on the subject.

I didn’t want to duke it out with that bitch. That’s why I turned the car around and went home.

My BFF called to warn me that she was at the party, drunk, and talking shit about the fact that I was coming. For me to have shown up to the party anyway would have been a deliberate choice to allow chaos and drama into my world. No, thank you. That’s not how I roll.

As for my blood boiling, well hell, what can I say? I’m only human. I hadn’t thought about that back-stabber in over two years. She was a mortal enemy for a hot minute in 2009. Big deal. I didn’t know that suddenly hearing about her would cause a flood of negative emotions.

I thought I had forgiven her. Certainly I’d moved on. I dunno, maybe I was just pissed that she leveraged some shit talk into fucking with my night.

Whatever. She’s the one who betrayed me. She’s the one who couldn’t even get my ex to fuck her, and she’s the one who’s so self-hating that she’s still acting out over shit that happened in another decade.

I guess the moral of the story is that just because I forgave her, it doesn’t make her any less of a hollow, damaged cunt.

Thought of you while I was getting laid. Cheers, from the inside of my friend’s girlfriend.

Go fuck yourself.

Not to be touchy, but someone trying to change how I dress is likely to set off a ton of red flags in my book. Not saying the guy isn’t a slob and couldn’t do better, but he is who he is.

“He is who he is” isn’t an excuse to be a slob any more than it’s an excuse to be a serial killer. If a man has a distinct style, and a woman comes along and tries to change it, that’s definitely worthy of a red flag, but dressing like a slob isn’t a style. It’s a lack of style.

If a grown man deliberately cultivates the look of a high-school stoner, then yes, that would technically be his style, but that’s not what’s going on here. (If it is, that’s a whole different set of issues.) What’s going on here is apathy. That’s what this woman means when she says her man dresses like a high-school stoner. The dude just doesn’t care.

That’s not acceptable to her, and the only thing she can do is try and get him to start caring about his appearance. Maybe he’ll start giving a shit. Maybe he’ll tell her to go fuck herself. Either way, she’ll learn something about the content of his character.

I have no idea whatsoever how to read the audited financial statement of Invisible Children. I’m trying to educate myself more on them and Kony 2012 but I just don’t understand what’s bad and good about the statement.

Care to point anything out?

In fiscal year 2011, Invisible Children, Inc. took in a total of 13.7 million dollars in support and revenue, and spent 2.8 million dollars on direct services.

That’s really all you need to know.

In charity-speak, “direct services” is exactly what you think it is. It’s the money directly spent on actual charitable services. Everything else is administration, fundraising, and marketing. (In this case, documentary filmmaking.)

In 2011, Invisible Children doled out 2.8 million dollars in furtherance of “building an early warning radio network,” “educating local communities,” and “deploying search and rescue teams.” That’s noble work. So is raising awareness about Joseph Kony.

However, Invisible Children also spent 1.7 million dollars paying it’s employees, 1.2 million on film and production expenses, and another million on travel and transportation. It owns 1.2 million dollars of hard assets (computers and film equipment), it spent almost four hundred thousand dollars leasing office space, and it has 6 million dollars in cash just lying around.

None of this is good or bad. This isn’t about a value judgment. Nothing in the report is shady or duplicitous, and no one is lying to you about any of it.

This is all just useful information. I’m no expert, and you should do your own homework, but to me, the statement of functional expenses for 2011 reads like an operating statement of a production company, not a charity.

That’s the point, though. Like I said before, this is all just a big media-driven anti-Kony marketing campaign. It says so right on the box. That’s fine, and I hope it works.

My ultimate point is that before you buy in to something, you should know what you’re buying. That’s all.

Reading your thoughts on Kony 2012 is interesting, so do you think it would be a good idea to donate?

No, I don’t. I took the time to read the organization’s audited financial statement, and I didn’t like what I saw. These guys aren’t hardened in-the-shit organizers. They’re essentially a well-funded production company that makes slick documentaries. Noble intentions aside, they aren’t doing charity so much as they’re playing charity.

Then of course, there’s the project founder, Jason Russell. Read this interview where he says, “If Oprah, Steven Spielberg and Bono had a baby, I would be that baby.”

Yeah, those really are his own words. His middle name is Radical. His kid’s middle name is Danger. Yikes. The guy just doesn’t sit right with me. I’d say he was a narcissist with a savior complex, but it’s hard to tell through the fog of trust fund entitlement.

To be clear, I’m not saying that Russell is a bad guy, or that Invisible Children is corrupt in any way. He’s righteous, and it’s definitely a worthy cause. Still, you should know that if you donate your money to Kony 2012, you’re donating to little more than a marketing campaign.

That’s fine. Kony really is one of the most evil fucks on the planet, and he deserves all the attention he gets. If it makes you feel good, spend thirty bucks and wear a bracelet. Whatever.

On the other hand, If you want to donate to charities that actually get shit done, then send your money to Africare or Doctors Without Borders.