A few weeks ago, my close guy friend and I hooked up under very drunken conditions (it was St. Pat’s, sue me). Now we’ve started hooking up on a regular basis and it seems like it might go in a dating direction. He’s nice and sincere and nerdy and considerate and awesome, I mean I’m friends with him for a reason. On top of that, the sex is fun and great. BUT, in the harsh light of day, I just don’t know if I think he’s that attractive. My shallow self thinks I can do better, that I’m cuter than him, etc.

Should I get over my vain self or was it doomed from the start?

Both.

You should definitely get over yourself, but you don’t strike me as the type who’s capable of rising above petty vanity, which is precisely why this shit is doomed in the first place. (I can tell these things. Sue me.)

Go ahead and do your thing for a while. Might as well, ‘cause this ain’t gonna have a happy ending. Now that he’s been elevated to fuck buddy status, he’s not gonna go gently back into the friend zone.

Eventually, you’ll get bored and start acting distant, but since you guys were already close, things will just get sticky and confusing. Eventually, you’ll fuck some random hot guy just to shake things up, and it’ll destroy all trace of your former friendship.

Oh well. Too bad life isn’t a romantic comedy.

Speaking of losing your sense of direction in life, what’s your advice for a 20-something in those shoes?

I’m a successful, extremely fortunate junior in one of the best schools in the country, and I’m hitting rock fucking bottom. I can’t get out of bed, let alone maintain my academic/professional drive. I have no idea what I want, and no idea how to figure it out.

CT, I’ve begged your help before without answer. No complaints, but this is a biggie. How do I get myself back on track?

You’re not hitting rock bottom. You’re just scared. You’ve only got one more year of formal education before some ivory tower shits you out into the real world, and you’re petrified at what everyone around you says it’s like these days.

You’ve swallowed all the doom and gloom without even chewing, and you’re using it to justify a minor pre-life existential crisis.

You fucking crybaby. Get your ass out of bed, take a hot shower, and show up for class, because nobody cares what you want. Nobody gives a good goddamn if you ever figure it out.

Get laid, get your degree, and then get out there and get on with your life. Along the way, you’d better get used to not having answers to life’s big questions, because there aren’t any. There is no track for you to get back on. Never was.

While you’re at it, take whatever stick you’re using to measure your success and break it over your knee. That kind of success is a mirage on the horizon that will ruin your ability to find happiness in the present moment. It’s an illusion, but one you’re terrified of letting go.

You haven’t lost your sense of direction in life any more than that heartbroken high-schooler. You’ve just lost your motivation in college because you’re paralyzed with fear of the real world.

Thing is, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Just let go of the illusion of your success.

Let it go, dude.

I’m currently going through my first heart break. And, christ, does it hurt. I’m 18, about to graduate as valedictorian and recently got accepted to my dream school, NYU. Last week I was living in ecstasy, and this week I can’t think of anything worse than getting out of bed in the morning knowing that there’s a 65% chance of seeing my ex (what a fucking awful term, ‘ex’). I’ve literally studied/worked my whole life to get to where I am now, so why should I be preoccupied by thoughts of sorrow caused by some asshole who thinks he can make do without me?

I shouldn’t,  I know.

But it’s hard, Coke, I loved the shit out of that boy and I’ve never felt so lost and subordinate in my life.

Do you have any tips for a pitiful heartbroken teen who’s lost her sense of direction?

You’re preoccupied by thoughts of sorrow because you’re a batshit teenager. It doesn’t matter if you’re one of the smart ones, that’s just the way it goes.

Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. You haven’t lost your sense of direction. Losing your sense of direction is some shit that happens over time as life wears you down. You’re just a little dazed because you’ve had your ego shattered. At your age, that’s something you can recover from by listening to shitty music for a month.

Not that you want to hear it, but being dumped right now might be the best thing for you. Heartbreak sucks and all, but it’s better to learn what that process feels like now. You have plenty of time to get back up, dust yourself off, and head over to NYU with a bit more emotional maturity under your belt.

Trust me, in New York, having had this experience will be a helluva lot more valuable than the fact that you were valedictorian, so as fucked up as it sounds, congratulations on your first heartbreak.

Do I bluntly tell my persistent, annoying, jackass of an ex-boyfriend of 1 year to fuck off, or do I continue to ignore his confessions of undying love sent via text, internet and late night phone messages? Which would be more effective in preventing me from applying for some kind of restraining order?

Fuck it. Go ahead and apply for the restraining order. Download the form off the internet and fill it out. Don’t bother with the courts, though. If you wanna get shit done for free, just send a copy of the completed application to your ex boyfriend’s mother with a little note attached letting her know you’ll be filing it if her son so much as dials your phone number one more time. I guarantee you’ll never hear from the pathetic douche again.

coketalk i love you. if you made a WWCTD bracelet i would buy the fuck out of it. just wanted to let you know your writing brings me joy. hope your day is peaches!

You asked for it. You got it.

So yeah, check this shit out. I’ve collaborated with NEIVZ to design a special VIP bracelet for all you lovers and fuckers out there who tell me the first thing they say when dealing with drama is, “What Would Coke Talk Do?”

These things are handmade out of purple lambskin and laser etched with the letters WWCTD right here in Los Angeles, and if you want, you can customize them with colored snaps and emergency room charms.

I’ll be wearing mine at Coachella.

My philosophy teacher said if you don’t believe in god but you believe in ghosts, you’re contradicting yourself. I’m pretty sure I’ve had a ghostly encounter but I don’t believe in god. Am I just crazy?

There is no inherent contradiction in believing in ghosts but not god, just like there’s no inherent contradiction in believing in angels but not unicorns. Belief in one supernatural phenomenon doesn’t require belief in all supernatural phenomena, and an afterlife doesn’t necessitate a supreme being any more than a supreme being necessitates an afterlife.

So yeah, your philosophy teacher got it wrong. Of course, just because there’s no inherent contradiction, that doesn’t mean you’re not an idiot for thinking you had a ghostly encounter. For the record, there are no such things as ghosts. Your experience wasn’t supernatural, and there is a rational explanation for whatever happened to you.

Don’t be a schmuck. If you’re ever again in a position where you think the laws of nature are being suspended just for you, trust me, they’re not.

My friend and I are incredibly close, and have been for over six years. We’re both seventeen. She’s a bisexual female and I’m a bicurious female. We had a very bad patch throughout all of last year where we came close to not speaking, but recently we’ve patched everything up and we seem to be better than ever.

Here’s the hard part. We “dated” at one point in our freshman year of high school (dating in quotes because, let’s be serious, we were fourteen) but broke up because the dynamic just wasn’t the same – in a negative way. Fast forward several years to now, when we’re almost completely different people. I feel the urge to try getting physical with her, and I’m pretty sure that I’m getting similar vibes off of her. However, I can’t tell if the desire is rooted in desperation (it’s been a year and a half since I’ve been so much as kissed) or genuine romantic feelings.

I’m also nervous about going for it because, as I said, we just got over a pretty rough spot. I don’t want to push things too far when we’re still healing. So, what do you think? Do I go for it, or reign myself in?

Don’t do it. Get your lovin’ elsewhere. Not to be condescending, but at your age, sex will complicate your relationship beyond your ability to control the outcome. It’s not worth risking a friendship of over six years, especially one that’s a been through some recent static.

If the urges become too much to resist, I highly recommend you talk about it with your friend first. Don’t be afraid of a little intimate pre-game conversation. If the two of you let your rational minds guide your decision to fool around instead of your teenage lust, things are much more likely to have a happy ending.

Good luck.