I’ve had a really unstable and dramatic life. Raped twice, molested by several family friends, beat by my parents and ex boyfriends, and much much more. I also am extremely bi polar (I’ve been diagnosed several different times by different psychiatrists since I was 6 years old). I’ve tried to get over my issues and just live life, be happy, and leave the bullshit behind. But I can’t help but let these things creep in. It ruined a long-term relationship, every relationship I’ve had since, and every friendship I have. My family hates me because of it and treat me like a monster. I’m afraid to get on medication for it, because I’ve done so much to overcome my past and make something of myself and I know if I get on medication my family will claim that I’m a quitter and take away all credit I’ve earned for what I have accomplished. But it’s really getting out of hand. I see a therapist, I know all the steps, I’ve tried to get over it, around it, through it, under it, and it’s just not working. I can’t continue to live my life a victim to my illness and my past and continuing to have suicide in the back of my mind every day of my life. My therapist recommends medication, and after struggling with self-harm and attempting suicide earlier this week I think she might be right. But I can’t help but feel guilty and like I’m admitting defeat if I get on medication for this.
You’ve already admitted defeat in the way you talk. You’ve given your disease the power to ruin your relationships, and you’ve given your family’s backward way of thinking the power to influence your mental health. Fuck all that.
Are people with brain tumors admitting defeat when they go on chemotherapy? Of course not. They are simply admitting that they have a disease. You are no different.
In your own mind, there should be no distinction between the neurophysiological disease of a brain tumor and the neurochemical disease of bipolar disorder. They are both measurably real. They are both beyond your control, and neither can simply be willed away.
Therapy is vital. No doubt the work you’ve done has helped manage the symptoms, but still, all the psychological tools in the world won’t fix your underlying brain chemistry.
Go on the medication, and don’t let anyone judge you for it. Fuck what your family thinks. You have no reason to feel guilty for taking control of your disease. At the same time, don’t let it define you. Your disease may affect your mood and behavior, but it is not you. Don’t give it the power to ruin your relationships.
You’re not a monster. You’re just a girl who’s been dealt a shitty hand, and you’re doing the best with what you’ve got.
Good luck with the meds. I hope that shit works for you.