My boyfriend of three years hasn’t initiated sex with me in nine months. When I finally asked him why, he said that I “make [him] feel like a failure” because I’ve never had an orgasm, so he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I. . . Don’t really have a question, I just want to know what you think about this.
First of all, I am immediately wary of anyone who uses the phrase “you make me feel.” That’s a red flag for me. It’s evidence that a person isn’t accepting responsibility for their own emotions. Whenever I’m in a conversation with someone who says I “make them feel” a certain way I immediately correct them with, “I don’t make you feel anything.”
If instead your boyfriend had said “I feel like a failure,” that would have been an entirely different starting point for the conversation. Still, he would have ended the sentence with, “because you’ve never had an orgasm,” and that’s an awfully deep pile of shit to step in regardless of how he phrases it.
Now, it may be true that you’ve never had an orgasm (which is perfectly okay and nothing to be ashamed of), and it may also be true that your boyfriend has been wallowing in sexual insecurity for a good chunk of your relationship, but I assure you, that only scratches the surface of why he doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Maybe he’s emotionally checked-out of the relationship. Maybe he watches too much internet porn. Maybe he’s fucking other people. I dunno. Whatever it is, he’s not telling you the whole truth, and it’s a real punk-ass move for him to try and blame any part of it on you or your sexuality.
There are much larger forces at play here, and while I can’t be 100% sure what his underlying reasons are without knowing more about you both, I can guarantee you that the orgasm thing is nothing but douchebaggery and misdirection on his part.
It’s one thing to patiently work out some sexual dysfunction with a long term relationship partner. It’s an entirely different thing to put up with the glaring character flaws of a partner too pathetic to accept responsibility for his own feelings of inadequacy.