I’m having trouble committing to the guy who wants forever with me because I can’t stop thinking about the “almost but not quite a relationship” I had before. I want some space but I’m 90% sure the forever guy won’t wait for me to figure my shit out, and I don’t particularly blame him.
Am I going to be in limbo forever? Am I just being selfish? Help?
I know your type. The guy who wants forever is probably gonna end up being your next “almost but not quite.” If six months from now you wake up and suddenly feel that, please remember this post, recognize this is a pattern, and know the problem is you.
Meanwhile, if you need some space, you need some space, but if forever guy won’t wait a hot minute for you to get your shit together, then you probably should stop calling him forever guy.
And while I’m smacking you with a little truth, lemme get one more in so you feel it. The reason you’re having trouble committing isn’t because you can’t stop thinking about the “almost but not quite” guy. You’ve got it backwards. The reason you can’t stop thinking about the “almost but not quite” guy is because you’re having trouble committing.
This is just your particular flavor of self-destruct button. Watch. You’ll stop thinking about him the moment you detonate this current relationship.
2 thoughts on “On almost but not quite”
I think you need to figure out if you really want to commit but are afraid to vs. not wanting to commit but feeling like you “should.” Social norms and expectations can often trick us into believing that they’re our ideas when they’re really not.
Maybe you don’t really want commitment at all. Maybe you just don’t want it with this particular guy. Either way, it’s better to err on the side of not committing until you’re certain it’s what you want. And being “in limbo” is not the best way to put it because it implies that there’s no value in having non- or more loosely committed relationships. There can be, as long as you seek them out with people who have similar attitudes. Many of them are going to be “almost but not quite.” Doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them and learn from them. Some people never 100% commit to someone. Is that really so bad? (You have to bear in mind that the majority who do will break that commitment anyway.)
It’s true that anyone could characterize a person’s wants or needs as being literally “selfish,” but there’s a negativity attached to it that isn’t appropriate here. Unless you’re being dishonest and stringing this guy along, you’re well within your rights to delay commitment for however long you like. And he of course is within his rights to decide that he’s waited long enough. None of that means you’ve done anything wrong.
One of the very few instances where a comment is much more thoughtful than Coquette’s.