Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I keep getting this fleeting empty feeling inside my chest. I’m not even sure if it’s emptiness or dread. It feels like when a coke comedown hits although I haven’t done hard drugs in years. It lasts a few seconds each time and it’s happening more frequently. What is going on with me?
That’s what’s known as a limited symptom panic attack, but since technically you’re describing mild chest pain with increasing frequency, I’m supposed to tell you to go see your doctor. If you do, make the trip worthwhile and ask for some Xanax.

Sex is disappointing. I am still attracted to him. What now?
The term “disappointing” is vague, but it implies room for improvement and a willingness on your part to give out gold stars. If you’re into him and you’ve got the patience, then you know what they say. Practice makes perfect.

Can someone have a legitimate relationship with a person whose identity they fetishize? (Legitimate in this circumstance is defined as loving, long term, and egalitarian.)
Sure. I know plenty of Jewish guys in loving, long-term, and egalitarian relationships with Asian girls.

Why does him not wanting to fuck me anymore hurt even though I’m in love with someone else?
Because even when it’s appropriate, rejection is still rejection.

He’s an arrogant, asshole, condescending lawyer, but I’m so into him. Why am I so into him?
Because you haven’t learned your lesson. (Yet.)

Are all talented artists insecure, hypocritical, high-maintenance and generally toxic? Or is it just that I’ve been exposed to an unfortunate select few who were actually human garbage?
I mean, not all of them are, but yeah, you’ve stumbled into reliable territory with your characterization.

Supreme Court nominees aside, don’t you think Cruz would be marginally better in terms of how other countries view America?
Set the balance of the Supreme Court aside because you’re concerned how other countries might view America? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s like setting aside the cure for cancer because you’re concerned what other people might think if your hair falls out.

It doesn’t bother you that Megan Kelly is racist?
Dude, she’s a Fox News anchor. I don’t wanna date the woman. The fantasy was a hot older lesbian hate fuck. The fact that she’s racist kinda makes it hotter.

Why do people care so much about your age?
People want to know my age so they can triangulate my wisdom.

I miss your long-format personal writing. Please tell me something good.


15 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. grills trip says:

    I care (a little, not too much) about your age, because recently I’ve realized you must have been as old as I am now when you started this. Which upsets me, because I’m still pretty lame.

  2. Kiwi says:

    Cruz will definitely not do any favours for other countries opinion of America. Any republican will push your reputation past the point of no return

        • Strangely Rational says:

          Indeed. They’ve been getting increasingly insane for years, but it’s gone far beyond batshit in this election cycle.

          There are still so many people in denial here who think the US is the greatest country on earth because Freedom. Of course, that only means freedom for them, not anyone else who wants to live differently.

      • Bruce says:

        So outside the US, people generally find Republicans to be batshit? That’s strangely reassuring, since the sides are so severely incompatible over here you start to wonder if maybe you’re the one that’s crazy.

  3. Kalip says:

    The person with increasing feelings of dread inside their chest should see a doctor and get their iron levels checked. It’s a common enough symptom of anemia – it’s worth getting taking a look at.

    • dorn says:

      huh–I’ve had something similar to what the poster described ever since I was a kid, and am being treated for anxiety, but I do have anemia as well. I’ll mention it to my therapist &/ GP.

    • WhoAmI says:

      if the poster is a woman, a feeling of impeding doom or dread like that can also be a sign the poster is more prone to having a heart attack than average

    • Strangely Rational says:

      I have something that I’d describe that way, but having an anxiety disorder, I recognize it as a sudden, sharp hit of anxiety that doesn’t necessarily have any trigger. I’m not anemic, but I did ask my husband (who is) if he’d experienced that and he said yes. Of course, he also has an anxiety disorder, so who knows?

      He also told me that when he was in rehab for his drug use, someone he was in with mentioned that it was a long-term side effect from past coke use. (That needs to be taken with an extra grain of salt for being second-hand anecdotal.)

      So I don’t know, I guess it could be a lot of things! Definitely a good idea to have it checked out.

  4. Strangely Rational says:

    Disappointing sex: Have you ever told him, explicitly, what you want?

    Maybe you have (in which case, ignore this), but I’ve encountered so many people (mostly women) who just assume their partner should know how to please them or feel like they don’t deserve it, so they give no or vague instructions. My husband has told me that I am literally the first woman who ever told him anything about what I wanted and how to do it. He was 35 at the time.

    Even so, I’ve had to learn to become a lot more specific – some of the words I thought were crystal clear were being misunderstood. Generally it means having to show him.

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