Best-Of Advice

On an asshole

I’m lonely.  I’m in my mid-twenties and I’m surrounded by very positive feedback.  I’ve earned it, since I’m a workaholic, I seek perfection in every aspect of my life, from diet and exercise to my wardrobe.  I’m working on a novel and two screenplays, and I have three jobs.

I know I have the tendency to be a control freak, but I’m a very supportive person, and people always lean on me for advice or positive reinforcement.  I’m tired of always being the one to initiate social situations, however.  I ask people to do things all the time, but half the time they’re busy, or else I just wind up alone on weekends.

I don’t want to compromise my goals and dreams, but why do I feel so alone?  I was popular in college – what happened?

This may be tough to swallow, but your real problem isn’t that you’re lonely. It’s that you simply haven’t realized yet that you’re an asshole.

Yes, that’s right. You are a magnificent asshole. You self-identify as a “workaholic” — asshole. You say things like “I’m surrounded by very positive feedback” and “I seek perfection in every aspect of my life” without the slightest trace of irony — asshole. You brag about how many jobs you’re holding down and the number of projects you’re currently writing — asshole, asshole, asshole. I mean, come on. That was just your opening paragraph.

Don’t worry. Being an asshole is fairly common for people your age, especially overachievers who enjoyed popularity in college. The good news is that you don’t have to keep being an asshole.

All you have to do is chill the fuck out. Learn to be a serious person without taking yourself so damned seriously. Start recognizing when you’re coming off as persnickety, and stop being a control freak.

Nobody is asking you to compromise your goals and dreams. In fact, you should start reminding yourself that nobody gives a fuck about your goals and dreams. Most of the time, people don’t even give a fuck about what you say. All they really care about is how you make them feel.

So, how do you make the people in your life feel? The truth is, even though they know you’re a good person, you kind of annoy them. That’s why they only want to deal with you in small doses.

If you relax, pull the stick out of your ass, and quit treating life like it’s one big job interview, you’ll soon find that people will enjoy being around you more.


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