On being easy

I was recently sexually assaulted by a guy I had just met that night. I feel like I am handling the situation as best as I can. I contacted the police, the university we attend, am seeing a psychologist, and am working on repairing myself.

The night the incident occurred, I made a horrible decision to call a previous one night stand as emotional support. Surprisingly, he was really great and for the entire first week after spoke to me daily and would check in on me. It was nice.

A week later, however, him and I were texting and I asked him if he thought I was easy. He said yes… and then proceeded to clarify for 20 minutes why he felt that way. I tried to tell him I only asked because it was my biggest fear about if that was why I had been sexually assaulted. He continued to stick to his story and defend his position. Needless to say, I was furious by the end of the conversation.

Since the conversation, he and I have not spoken besides a few short texts. I feel like I should text him and apologize or at least attempt to reach out, but something keeps me from actually doing that. Should I try and talk to him again? Given the situation, I don’t think we would have really spoken after our hook up if I had not called him the night of the incident. What is the best step to take in his and my friendship/relationship from here?

Go ahead and reach out. Forgive the guy for answering your question honestly. You asked him if he thought you were easy, and he flat out told you yes. He could have bullshitted you and told you what he thought you wanted to hear, but he didn’t. Good on him for being honest. Also, good on him for being emotionally available to you in a crisis.

Now, put this dude aside for a second and let’s focus on what’s important. The problem isn’t whether he thinks you’re easy. The problem is that you believe that it’s possible for your sexual availability to be the proximate cause of your sexual assault. It’s not. Really, I can’t stress that enough. You did not cause your own rape.

It’s perfectly normal for you to be asking yourself why it happened. Unfortunately, it’s also normal for you to blame yourself. After all, we live in a culture that makes excuses for the asshole who raped you while at the same time shaming you for enjoying your sexuality.

That’s what’s so fucked up here. Your instinct to blame yourself is born out of an internalized misogyny that makes you feel bad about being easy in the first place. Fuck that shit. There’s nothing wrong with you being easy. You shouldn’t feel the least bit bad about your sexuality or your sexual availability, but you do, and as a result you’ve allowed that sexual shame to turn into guilt even though none of this is your fault.

You weren’t sexually assaulted because you’re easy. You were sexually assaulted because a violent man made a despicable choice to commit a criminal act. No part of you is to blame for what happened. No behavior or choice you made is the reason you were sexually assaulted. The piece of shit who raped you is to blame. It’s entirely his fault. 100%. It’s on him and no one else.

I hope you come to know that soon.


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