On cats.

I have two siamese cats. I love them to death- especially the way they pull books out of my bookshelf at night- but I also have a somewhat drastic allergy to them. They shed so much between the two of them that every article of clothing I own is covered in cat hair and, subsequently, cat dander. When I sit in class, people think I’m crying because my own shirt makes my eyes water and itch like I poured a jug of blow into them. Please advise me, oh cracked one.

You won’t listen to your own body, but you’ll ask me for advice?

Every fiber of your physical being is screaming for you to get rid of those horrid little creatures, and yet you insist on letting them skulk around your apartment, scratching and shitting and wreaking nocturnal havoc on your bookshelves. Ugh. What the fuck are you thinking?

I’m not saying you have to drown them in a bucket or anything, but come on. Pay attention to your own immune system. Evict those evil little gremlins.

I know there are legions of crazy cat people out there who will curse my name and tell you to just start shoveling your face full of Zyrtec, but fuck that noise. Just because I don’t like cats, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

For your own health, just find them a new home.

Oh, and if you insist on keeping pets in the future, try finding a species that’s both hypoallergenic and not a miniature killing machine constantly plotting your death while you sleep.


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