I know they’re probably not all that good for you, but please tell me you know of a decent cleanse? I don’t care if I lose weight, I just feel bloated and gross and I don’t trust cleanse websites to not lie about results and what to expect. I’ve never done one before and I don’t want to feel shitty for a week. I just want to feel like my body isn’t clogged with poop and toxins.

The BluePrint Cleanse was popular for a hot minute, but that’s only convenient if you’re a New Yorker willing to blow seventy-five bucks a day on what are essentially Jamba Juice boosts.

There’s an argument to be made that spending all that coin on a designer cleanse will at least provide you the extra willpower to see it through to the end.

A bullshit-free approach would be to go to any drug store or GNC and pick up whatever 48 Hour Detox product they have on sale for $14.99. I guarantee you’ll get the same results while saving enough cash for a fucking spa day.

If you want instant gratification and are willing to go hardcore, I highly recommend you let a pro roto-rooter your pooper.

Go get a colonic. No joke. Those things work, and those crazy bitches love to tell you how to rid your body of toxins.