On crossing the borderline.

Dear Coquette,

My girlfriend was supposed to move in with me a month ago down in Florida. We have been together for almost a year now and she suffers from borderline personality disorder. My reason for being down here is that I had got into some trouble and lied to her for four months about it. She has been great and stuck by my side through everything. Came to visit me every month and was so excited to live with me. The week before coming down she decided not to. I reacted a little inappropriately due to my fear of losing her. Said some things I shouldn’t have and she broke up with me. Said she needed to get her priorities straight. However, due to her BPD she lives in constant fear of losing people closest to her and her constant insecurity about herself has forced her to seek attention from another man. We were so in love. She told me I was different than any guy she had ever been with. Said she wanted to marry me and everything. I have never been so in love with another woman but I just don’t know what to do anymore. My parents don’t want anything to do with her and are telling me she is crazy. I can’t just sit by and watch someone I love keep hurting themselves. She has been in so many horrible relationships, so she says. I just want the love of my life back and I want her to get help for her BPD. Unless she does something she will keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. I have decided to move back to NJ in two weeks. I am still so hurt and angry at the way she handled everything but at the same time it is partially my fault. She doesn’t even think or realize that she is doing anything wrong. Basically what I have been trying to say this whole time is how do I get the love of my life back? Did the distance get to her? People with BPD can turn on the people they love in the blink of an eye. I just want to know if I have a shot at this or is she doomed to this life of failed relationships? How can I get this lost soul to realize that this man cares and loves her unconditionally. I love her for her even with all the craziness she creates around her.

The love of your life? Dude, shut up. You’re in your early 20s at best, armed with the emotional maturity of a drunken teenager. You haven’t made a life yet. All you’ve made is a string of poor life choices.

Your ex-girlfriend isn’t a “lost soul.” She’s a whacked-out bitch who uses an otherwise legitimate diagnosis to absolve herself for wildly inappropriate behavior. Oh, and did you notice what I called her there? That’s right. She’s your ex-girlfriend. Do you know why I called her that? Because she broke up with you.

Do you have any idea how creepy it is when dudes talk about past relationships in the present tense? It makes you sound like a potential stalker. You may have been together for almost a year, but you are not together anymore. Get it through your thick skull that the relationship is over, and quite frankly, it should stay that way.

I really can’t put my advice any more plainly than this: Forget her and move on. One more time for the cheap seats: Forget her and move on. Not that it matters how hard I hammer you with it, because I know damn well that nothing I say can stop you from swooning into another series of horrible decisions with this girl. You’re a lovesick chaos junkie. I might as well tell a crackhead to just quit smoking all that crack.

You’re addicted to the swirling drama she creates in your life. Her borderline personality disorder is your drug, and you keep coming back for more no matter how miserable she makes you. The best thing she ever did for you was kick you to the curb, but you’re still neck deep in your crazy phase without enough self-respect to cut your losses and walk away.

You’re not being romantic. You’re being pathetic. Get it together, man.


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