Fun-Sized Advice

On even more fun-sized advice

I’m 33, single, newly unemployed and for the first time in my life able to say “fuck it” and do some extended, no-return-flight-booked traveling. Where would you go?
I could name a bunch of cities, but fuck that. As of tonight, it’s Springtime in the Northern Hemisphere and Autumn in the Southern Hemisphere. You know yourself. Pick your favorite season. Pick a place where you’ve always dreamed of having a love affair, and then just go.

If denial is drinking piss from a golden chalice, is acceptance drinking Dom Perignon from a party cup?
Yeah, okay. I can get behind that metaphor.

How do I accept the inevitable?
By realizing that it doesn’t matter whether you accept it or not.

What are your favorite movies about LA? I’ll be moving there next year and I’d like to imbue myself with the city beforehand.
LA Story, The Big Lebowski, Magnolia, Wonderland, Jackie Brown, Point Break, The Player, Clueless, Beverly Hills Cop, LA Confidential, Drive, Swingers, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and Boogie Nights.

I woke up naked next to my ex. How do I justify this?
It happens. No need for justification. (Just don’t make a habit of it.)

I’m 21 male and bored of sex and not attracted to anyone. HOW DO I GET MY DRIVE BACK?
Stop watching porn. (Give it at least a month. If you don’t notice a difference, hit me up in the comments and we’ll go from there.)

Do people generally submit enough concise questions for you to do a fun-sized advice post, or do you edit the questions to make them fun-sized?
I get a shit-ton of fun-sized questions. After all these years, my readers just kind of know the difference between fun-sized and regular sized, so there’s no need to edit them at all.

Are you addicted to anything?
Nope. Never have been, but with my history of decadence and drug use, it’s not really fair for me to take credit for that. I won the genetic/environmental lottery with regard to addiction. It’s just luck that I’m not predisposed to addictive behavior, and I know that about myself.

How many books do you own?
Dude. That’s kind of like asking how many people I’ve slept with. (I honestly have no idea, but it’s a lot.)


35 thoughts on “On even more fun-sized advice

  1. Chris says:

    I thought drinking piss from a golden chalice was a kinky tinder hookup, but that speaks more to my experience, I guess.

  2. Just Me says:

    Could we get your full movie list because I goddamn love Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and it never gets play. (I’m really hoping you’ve already done this and I’ve just missed it because you’d be cool and link us.)

    Side note, what’s your take on Claire breaking the fourth wall with Francis? It was such a delicious moment but I worry I’m reading too much into it.

    • The Coquette says:

      You want this? (And Claire breaking the fourth wall represents her ascension to Frank’s true equal. It kills me that we’re gonna have to wait until after Hillary becomes President before we see new episodes.)

      • Just Me says:

        Thanks much.

        I have the same read on Clare but wanted to know if I was on the same pages you. At first I was a little disgruntled that Frank didn’t destroy her when she threatened him because that’s just who Frank is. But I love that it’s now a true partnership with equal members, although what you said regarding the dyad is true as well.

      • Emily Rose says:

        Being so greedy here, but any thoughts on Tom Yates’ arc in Season 4? The breakfast scene with Francis and Claire in the White House was far and away my favorite.

  3. Lin says:

    Kiss Kiss Bang Bang will always be my LA movie, man. I just happened to be living there when it came out and I saw it in a nearly empty theatre with my sister over ten years ago.

    I didn’t even like my time in LA, or LA, but I fucking love that film, and it always makes me nostalgic.

  4. Alexander says:

    If these were the stages of grief and we were doing the drinking metaphors, denial is drinking piss from a golden chalice and acceptance is wine from a party cup, what would anger, bargaining, and depression be?

  5. The Derpy Bear says:

    I can’t wait to own that many books! I have lost several books over the years. In the last year I got back into being a reader. Most of what I read right now is for school but now I give myself time for other forms.

    I am reading The Ocean At the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman right now. So many feels.

  6. Humanoid says:

    What about the opposite of the porn problem ? I’m a 20 yo single female with a raging libido and a satisfactory sex life, but for a month or two or three, I haven’t been getting any relief from erotica; I pitifully fall asleep before the characters get to any actual sex. I miss the solitary sexual bliss and the capacity to bring myself to a shattering orgasm.

    • Jen says:

      I was actually going to comment on that question because I think it’s important to note that not watching porn doesn’t mean don’t masturbate. In the past when I felt my libido lacking, or generally getting bored or uninterested in sex, I figured out that getting off to my imagination really helped. Externally I was very uninspired, but would still sometimes get in the mood. When I would, I’d explore whatever it was that got me so without relying on outside influences. It actually helped me know myself a lot better in general as well as be more in control of my libido (or at least feel more in control), and be more aware of what I want sexually.

        • Al says:

          Hey, so I thought I’d hit you up.

          I know it hasn’t been a month since this thread. But it’s certainly been well over a month, maybe even six since I’ve watched porn. Like the comment below, I’ve just never really found it… sexy. In the past year or so (whilst I’ve been single) I haven’t really enjoyed any of my sexual encounters. Prior to this I’ve had loads of fun with ex’s where sex hasn’t really been a serious thing, more fun and lighthearted than passionate or intimate.

          Bar this one girl i’ve been crushing on (she’s in a relationship; nipping this crush in the bud) I’m never really attracted to anyone. I flirt with a lot of people but never really have any chemistry with them, maybe I’m comparing them to a prior crush or girlfriend, thinking that they can never live up to the expectations I have? I feel like I’ve adopted a Holden Caulfield like attitude when it comes to meeting people. I miss enjoying sex, feeling attracted to people and having real fun.

          Any insight on what you think is going on with me would be truly appreciated!

          PS: I still enjoy occasional masturbation, music, coffee, reading, and all the other great things in life.

      • CynicalGrey says:

        I only do this. >.> Porn creeped me out and hentai became too problematic for me to keep at it. My imagination is my best friend though I do get stuck returning to the same fantasies.

  7. J Lynn says:

    LA movies:
    I recommend the fantastic doc Los Angeles Plays Itself. It includes clips from a whole bunch of LA-set films and places them in cultural, historical and geographic context. It was recently streamable on Netflix. Here’s a review from the AV Club:

    For more movie meta and LA/Hollywood backstory, the podcast You Must Remember This is great. I loved her series on “Charles Manson’s Hollywood” and her current series is about the anti-Communist blacklist.

  8. M says:

    How would I ask my boyfriend to take a break from porn for a month – or even two weeks? I don’t think he has a problem but he’s 26 so he’s almost certainly never gone more than a week without porn.

        • Jen says:

          Yes, but the commenter’s question has a different context than the original. She’s asking about her boyfriend (not herself) and says he doesn’t have a problem, so I’m confused as to why she wants to ask him to. How best to ask kind of depends on the reason you’re asking.

  9. becca says:

    As someone who’s done the “no-return-ticket-traveling”, small word of practical advice: a lot of countries won’t let you fly in if you don’t have a ticket out. You don’t have to go home, but you have to have plans to fly out, even if it’s just a cheap ticket to a nearby country. This is a boring comment, but you don’t want to find out at the airport.

    • compagno says:

      Becca, boring does mean bad. Your practical comment was valuable. Now, I’ll add to the boredom by urging the writer to check visa requirements as well; some countries require visits to their consulate well in advance.

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