Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

When did you first become passionate about writing? What led to your interest?
Oxygen and orgasms, my friend. When it comes to writing, you might as well be asking about breathing or fucking.


Why do you think it’s getting colder as we go higher up in the atmosphere even though we are getting closer to the sun!?

Well, Violent J, that’s an excellent question — for a fifth grader. Maybe if you didn’t use lead-based face paint, these kinds of things wouldn’t confuse you. Good luck with those fucking magnets.


Ugh I’m such a fucking procrastinator. Advice?

Not right now.


Is dating your supervisor wrong?

If it’s a job requirement.

Any advice for maintaining a long-distance relationship?
Shorten the distance.


Yeah you are oozing with privilege. Fuck you.

Yeah. Fuck me. That’s the way to handle it.

Do you think girls and guys can be friends?
Of course they can, and the underlying premise of this all-too-common question and the infantile assumptions it makes about gender, interpersonal relationships, and human sexuality well and truly break my fucking heart.


What would you do if all recreational drugs, including alcohol, disappeared off the face of the earth tomorrow?

Ridiculously stupid thought experiments like this only demonstrate your gross misunderstanding of chemistry, biology, and human nature. The fucking tragedy is that this kind of retarded thinking has been shaping US drug policy for years.

Reading Atlas Shrugged right now, your thoughts on it?
I consider Rand and her philosophy to be the epistemological equivalent of methadone. A controlled dose of objectivism is a hell of a lot better than the dirty street junk most people shoot into their arms, but it’s still no way to live.

Am I a bad feminist because I used to be anorexic?
Absolutely not. You’re a bad feminist for hating women. Well, one woman actually. Yourself. Quit it. You haven’t done anything wrong, girl. You are never your disease. Ever. Stop beating yourself up. Love yourself instead.

I’ve been working my ass off for years trying to get where I want to be in life. It’s not working, and it’s starting to seem like it never will start working. When do I throw in the towel and settle for mediocrity?
Mediocrity isn’t a measure of your title or your tax bracket, fucko. It’s a measure of your state of mind. Never settle for mediocrity.

What are your thoughts on using coke to lose weight?
Please don’t do stupid shit like this. You will build up an addiction, fuck up your brain chemistry, and wreak havoc on your cardiovascular system ten times over before the appetite suppressing effects of cocaine will aid you in losing any actual weight.

How do you feel about trying to seduced engaged men? Engaged isn’t married right?
Marital status is immaterial. It’s not okay to willfully inflict chaos on other people’s relationships. Come on, this is basic fucking golden rule integrity. Would you want selfish cunts seducing your fiance? No? Then don’t be a selfish cunt.

Do you participate in the Black Friday madness?
If by participate, you mean run an annual death pool on the number of shopping related fatalities (including miscarriages), then yes, I suppose I do participate.

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