Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I have had numerous men tell me in so many words that I’m unlovable. It’s clear they think I’m smart, fun, pretty, etc, but I don’t evoke an emotional response in them. How do I interpret this? How do I not let it (continue to) ruin my self-esteem?
Nope, nope, nope. Unlovable is your word, not theirs. You are not unloveable. You simply have a pattern of picking emotionally unavailable men. Pick better men, and while you’re at it, stop letting their faults inform your self-image.

So what happens if Sanders does win the democratic nomination? I want him be president, but I’m afraid his apparent radicalism would put off people in the middle who could be influenced to sway and we’d end up with Trump or Bush.
Jesus Fuckstick Christ, BERNIE SANDERS IS NOT A RADICAL. He’s just a good ol’ fashioned liberal with a populist agenda. Hell, he’s not even politically to the left of FDR, and he still gets labeled a bleeding heart socialist because he gives a shit about the working class and can’t be bought with corporate money. (And there is no middle anymore. There’s just a vast swath of insufferably ill-informed undecided half-wits who are too apathetic to even bother voting against their own economic interest.)

How do you find the courage to ask for therapy? I know I need it but I hate the idea of someone else knowing that.
I understand how vulnerable it makes you feel to ask, but please know that everyone needs therapy. Everyone. It doesn’t make you weak, sick, or broken in any way. Go ahead. Take the next step. You can do this.

Can someone change leagues through exercising, diet, promotions in their field of work, surgery, reading more books and improving their intellect?
Sure, you can change leagues, but try not to lose sight of what game you’re playing.

Why do I fantasize about having sex with his friends?
Partly because it’s forbidden. Partly because they’re within easy reach for fantasizing. Mostly because it turns you on. (Hey, that’s what fantasies are for.)

Does cultural appropriation exist on Halloween?
Of course it does. Halloween is cultural appropriation’s biggest night where a bunch of ignorant white people dress up as racists without ever realizing it.

What’s the difference between having a short-term crush and needing to get a dick?
Are you more interested in the dick, or the human being attached to it?

Coke, which e-commerce platform did you use for your jewelry/handbag business?
Big Cartel. I highly recommend them for small online stores.

Favorite nic cage movie? (Please say the wicker man, please say the wicker man)
Raising Arizona


21 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Raising Arizona really is the best Nick Cage movie. He’s a hilariously quirky character actor. He was never really meant to play blandly handsome leading men.

    Plus, you gotta love that his stage name is a reference to Luke Cage.

  2. Unloved says:

    Hi CT,

    I think your answer is partly right, but I still think there is more to it. When men who are perfectly happy to commit to other women treat me differently, I have to conclude the answer is not entirely about the men. Add to my question the fact that I had a guy once tell me that I was the only woman he ever dated that he didn’t consider to be a girlfriend, or when asking a group of male friends why I never got asked out that the answer was: “I can’t explain it, it’s just part what of what makes you you.”

    Anyway, CT, thanks for responding and for all the great reads. If anyone else finds themselves dating a string of commitment-phobes, the book “He’s Scared, She’s Scared” was a useful book for me. I haven’t yet found a book that sheds light on the subject of my question, so I would be greatful for any pointers.

    • Kelly says:

      I found myself feeling similarly. I really liked “It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single” by Sara Eckel.

      PS I’m marrying a great guy in October. Good luck!

    • RocketGrunt says:

      Being emotionally unavailable isn’t a permanent state (for most people, at least). Maybe when you start dating a guy he’s emotionally unavailable, but after the breakup and some self-evaluation he’s able to commit to the next woman he dates.
      Also, maybe you’re trying to hard to find proof that you’re “unlovable”. I think it’s a little odd to be asking a group of guys why you don’t get asked out instead of figuring yourself out (or asking guys out yourself). It could be that “it’s just part what of what makes you you” really means “it’s because you keep asking guys to tell you something’s wrong with you.”

      • Unloved says:

        Nope, they were the first ones I ever asked. You are way off base. My confidence at that time was very high, much lower now unfortunately. But thanks for your supportive words, sure you are a great friend to those who are feeling down and suicidal!

        • Chi says:

          He/she gave you sound advice and expressed their opinion. Somehow,you turned it into something else. Sensitive much? Stop looking to a bunch of men for validation,lady! It’s sound advice: figure out why the fuck you can’t seem to find someone to date,change whatever behaviour you keep repeating and try something else. That’s the advice a true friend would give you. You’re obviously looking for someone to either coddle you or sit around and listen to you yammer and overanalyse shit.That’s what trained therapists are for: to separate the bullshit from the underlying issue. If you’re unhappy about something, change it! Since you know you’re suicidal, figure out why, do more socialising(without the express intent of finding a man), find a therapist and talk it out. Also, please for the sake of any future boyfriends, don’t get into a relationship without sorting out your emotional and self esteem issues.
          I have attempted suicide 3 times and I have bouts of depression. I figured out my issue because My family didn’t want to deal with my shit so they packed me off to therapy in a psych ward. Does that make them unsupportive? It’s never a good idea to seek validation from someone else unless it’s work (good job,here’s a promotion). Seriously, if you live in a city with money (think NYC or LA), look for free mental health services and see if you can talk to a therapist.

          • Unloved says:

            Look, I went to to therapists, I took all the meds, I asked friends very honestly about myself. I posted here asking whether anyone knew of a book that had additional insights, and I don’t need to be attacked like I’m some whiny fucking bitch. To the people who know me, I mostly come off like a ray of fucking sunshine. I may have asked a stranger for advice, but it wasn’t you, so please fuck off.

          • Unloved says:

            I will not be responding to further comments like this. If anyone has something constructive or helpful to say, I would appreciate any book suggestions as per the above or other insights from people who actually understand how I feel and aren’t just looking to take a cheap shot at someone who is already feeling vulnerable.

          • Margo says:

            Agree with unloved here: this comment was unkind and unnecessary, and so was the previous one. You chose to offer your unkind opinion when she didn’t ask for it, and why? literally no justification for these comments other than your personal desire to be unkind to a stranger on the internet.

    • Coquette says:

      Fuck the self-help books. You keep insisting that the behavior of these boys is somehow about you. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. That’s your single biggest problem here, thinking that other people’s behavior is a reflection of some self-imagined unlovability.

      Yes, you are a common thread between these guys, but you are cherry picking anecdotal evidence to support your flimsy theory that there’s something wrong with you. There isn’t.

      If you want a damn book to read, I highly suggest you pick up a copy of The Four Agreements. It’s back-to-the-basics for you. Specifically, you need to internalize agreements 2 and 3: “don’t take anything personally,” and “don’t make assumptions.”

      Go. Read. Internalize.

      Your problem isn’t that you’re unlovable. Your problem is that you’re wallowing in the idea that you’re unlovable because you make assumptions and take shit personally.

      • Unloved says:

        Thanks, I agree with you that is a large part of the issue. I will grab this book and see what it has to say. Best wishes, and thanks again for responding.

        • compagno says:

          I have neither advice nor book recommendations. Experience has taught me that love is a lottery; there is no divine justice, no logic, just luck.

  3. empty says:

    It took me over a year to get therapy after I wrote that. Back in the therapy game again, thought about this post. You responded to two of my submissions and I always felt very lucky. This one even ended up in your book. I have it dog-eared. Feels like a hundred years ago. Hope you’re safe and well.

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