How do I ease my emotional pain without: drinking, doing drugs, overeating, or buying shit I don’t need?
Exercise, meditation, therapy, or any number of overt acts of self-care.
Why is it so easy to make painfully stupid decisions when it comes to love and relationships, even for people who generally display decent judgment elsewhere?
Because drugs impair judgment, and love is one helluva drug.
What do you do when you get offered an interview but can’t afford to get there?
Arrange for a Skype interview. (And don’t take no for an answer.)
Why are some men so afraid of requiring enthusiastic consent before they have sex with a woman.
Anyone objecting to an obligation of enthusiastic sexual consent is a weak, entitled piece of shit who should be called out as a potential rapist.
I’ve gained weight and I absolutely hate the way I look. I feel like I hate myself more and more every day. Besides getting therapy, what can I do?
Either lose the fucking weight, or lose the negative self-image you’ve attached to having gained it. Neither way is easy, but they’re both better than a whiny pile of self-loathing.
I cut my hair for the first time in 5 years, and various acquaintances react with the simple line “oh, you cut your hair.” I’ve made a huge mistake, haven’t I?
Not a huge mistake. At most, you’ve made a temporary one.
How should I (24/f) respond to people when they say “but you’re so young!” when they find out I’m getting married?
Tell them your fiancé has a twelve inch penis. (If they’re going to make you uncomfortable, the least you could do is return the favor.)
Ever feel like a mess?
Hot and constantly.
14 thoughts on “On more fun-sized advice”
With regards to enthusiastic consent: when dudes hear it, they think of the stupid campaign spots that feature the dude asking “yes” at every turn while her body language is already saying so, consent forms and army-esque one drop rules. Combine this with the dude getting framed as a pussy if he shows hesitation at any moment during the act in pop culture, and you know the source of the reluctance.
If you frame it as clear communication, a broader concept of sex than simply PIV pounding and other such angles, I doubt all but the most sleazy of bros would object.
In the comment section of an article I read that explained affirmative consent clearly and framed it as basic communication, there were tons of guys whining about how it’s “so hard” not to rape someone under those laws and they might as well not have sex because it’s so hard to have sex without raping (this popped up in my Facebook newsfeed as well). When girls explained it and gave examples of times they’d been raped and how affirmative consent would have prevented that, guys attacked their credibility. One guy mansplained to me that affirmative consent is infantilizing to women. Another said that, if my story was actually true, my case was exceptional and expecting affirmative consent treats all men like rapists. Another just attacked me for not having gone to the police.
tl;dr Waaay too many guys get angry when you frame enthusiastic consent as clear communication, and part of me worries that most men are rapists.
I should write Coquette’s response in big red letters and put it above my bed. Potential rapists will immediately identify themselves and I can kick them out before they interpret my breathing or blinking as consent.
Wonderful idea, I might actually print out that response and hang it in my living room, thanks!
Huh, different filter bubbles, then. The laws make it hard to proof that it wasn’t rape in a he-said-she-said scenario with post-penetration rape still being a possibility after all the checkbox steps at a glance, but that’s only on paper and it could go either way completely in a such a scenario depending on the local culture, which might range from overzealous college tribunals to must-protect-our-star-athletes police departments.
Infantilizing would be on part of the dude not being able to accept the dudette’s yes. Calling cases rare is meaningless if he didn’t mash together statistics such as Lisak’s research on serial predators, how often it’s stranger danger and frequency of when it takes place in the survivor’s own home, etcetera(he probably would have come out wrong no matter what your experience was), and even then laws should aim to cover every scenario. The person attacking you for not going to the police has not ever consulted succesful prosecution statistics, it seems.
I mean, I can understand where their fears are coming from, and there probably are dudettes out there who would kick the dude from the bed for coming across as waffly or awkward due to trying to do the enthusiastic consent steps, but that just means you miss out on shitty sex anyway. Sex-dependent self-esteem will be a problem regardless of how much one gets.
“How should I (24/f) respond to people when they say “but you’re so young!” when they find out I’m getting married?
Tell them your fiancé has a twelve inch penis. (If they’re going to make you uncomfortable, the least you could do is return the favor.)”
this is excellent advice 😀
as for the affirmative consent, if your girl isn’t enthusiastic about fucking you, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. stop immediately, listen to what she wants, and if she gives you future opportunity to redeem yourself (which she likely wont because she’s just not that into you and/or is creeped out by your too strong come on), try harder at making her want you. and if she doesn’t want you, oh well suck it up and move on. she doesn’t owe you shit.
Thank you for every advice you have ever given. I think each and every single one of them has benefitted me in some way, regardless of how unrelated I may be to the topic. I asked earlier about your blog and previous blog entries, now noticing that your blog “only” stretches back to 2010. Will the earlier posts be put back up? Your blog is equally inspiring, bitchslapping, funny and interesting, but I can’t help but miss the sultry, refined, hardcoreness of that earlier period.
From practically all of us to you, thank you for everything.
The Wayback Machine has it all!
But no, I was thinking of Coke Talk, I tried typing in thecoquette.net in the search field of that page you linked, but only resulting in september 2011 being the earliest entry. Well.. Sadface.
Thank you, but it’s the personal blog I’m thinking of.
I’ll eventually re-post all of the original blog. It’s a brutal cut-and-paste job I have to do manually, so it’s gonna take some time.
Thank you, whenever it’ll be back up again is awesome. Goodness the impact some things have..
On gaining weight…
Two years ago, I lost 60 pounds. I found them all again. I also got divorced, discovered my polyamorous and kinky sides, and have what my kids jokingly refer to as a bevy of boys who think I’m hot. I found my attitude about the weight changed significantly when I started thinking of myself as a goddess who wraps her flesh around herself and gives others a soft place to land. I’m not saying I love my body, but most days, I think I’m hot, and I’m ok with that.