What’s the difference between reasons and excuses?
Reasons establish causation. Excuses establish justification.

Do you think Woody did it?
Absolutely.

I can’t sleep unless I’m completely toasted. I know this probably means I’m an alcoholic. I think I’m admitting it for the first time right now. What in sweet hell do I do next?
You might be an alcoholic, but this also sounds like you’re self-medicating a mild but undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Go see a shrink.

What was your favorite Super Bowl commercial?
The Turbo Tax Year of the You ad. I think it really captures the profound sadness of middle-minded American mediocrity.

Why are people so shocked that I’m not mad or upset that my ex boyfriend is now gay?
Because they mistakenly assume you should take something like that personally.

How do I stop fantasizing about my friends? You know, without boning them.
Why do you feel the need to stop? It’s perfectly normal. As long as the fantasies aren’t intrusive, there’s nothing wrong with having them.

I’m a straight girl who likes lesbian porn. I’m in a fabulous relationship with my boyfriend and we have a fantastic sex and communicate about it regularly. Does the lesbian porn mean I’m bi? Need to experiment along with my boyfriend? Is this natural?
It’s perfectly natural. Feel free to experiment if it’s something you want to try, and don’t worry about labeling yourself.

I’m 35 and just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. Do you think I still have time to meet someone and have kids one day?
You can keep hoping for a storybook ending, but this is exactly why Aristotle favored a plausible impossibility over an implausible possibility.

Which Girls character would you be?
I’d be the HBO executive who cancels the show.