Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

What do you think about Stoya’s accusation that James Deen raped her?
I absolutely believe her, and I’m not the least bit surprised.

The guy I’ve been casually been sleeping with was sexually abused as a child. We’re not a couple, but I have strong opinions on some of his self-destructive behavior that stems from the abuse. Where is the line of “not my place to comment” in this situation?
The sexual abuse is immaterial to your question, as are your strong opinions. What matters is the extent to which his self-destructive behavior negatively affects you. If you’re having to deal with the consequences if his behavior, that’s when it becomes your business.

Why is there such a stigma surrounding age differences in relationships? I’m currently dating a man 8 years older than me and my family and friends constantly give me looks of disdain or question the legitimacy of our relationship. What gives?
Well, it kinda depends on whether you’re 17 or 30. Assuming you’re somewhere in the middle, you can safely ignore any disdain as long as the age difference isn’t causing a power imbalance in the relationship. (Then again, you have to be mature enough to know whether it does.)

I just met this guy. I like him and we had great conversation both times we were out (for hours) but he sucks on text and doesn’t get back to me promptly. We had plans to see each other today but it’s 4pm and I still haven’t heard back from him. What’s up with that?
He’s a flake. The world’s full of ’em. (As a general rule, don’t keep flakes around. People in your life should be reliable.)

He told me he likes me. I feel the same way…now what?
Spend some time together.

Is love supposed to feel like an anxiety attack?

Working in a job you hate to get that first year of experience in the field- do it right?
Yep, and if you only have to do it for a year, consider yourself lucky.

Why does your twitter annoy me, while I read and reread all of your blog posts religiously?
Because twitter is cliquish and my off-the-cuff remarks make you feel excluded, whereas my blog is more thoughtful and the intimacy of it makes you feel included.


54 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

    • rollertrain says:

      Deen is known for his overly aggressive performances, and many female performers have put him on their “No” list because of it. If you watch his more recent stuff (he started off pretty tame), you’ll see. Trigger warning though.

  1. Judge Thredd says:

    I think she’s not surprised about James Deen because he’s a sociopath. At least, that’s the impression I’ve always gotten from him. Maybe it’s the same for Coquette.

    • Bruce says:

      I was a little surprised as well. Coquette once answered a question on James Deen’s appeal in pretty positive tones. But then, she was talking about the guy’s appeal, not what she figured his character might be. I would hope she’s not figuring a guy who does BDSM scenes is likely to be a real-life rapist.

      …wait, has Coquette met James Deen?

      • Judge Thredd says:

        Yeah I remember that post as well. She also referred to him as “a nice Jewish boy” before. I was honestly more surprised that Coquette wasn’t surprised than I was that James Deen was accused of rape. But maybe she was just being her snappy, tuned-in, pop cultured self that time, who knows.

        I very much doubt she has an ignorant opinion about BDSM.

        • E says:

          Now, I would have to go back and look through all the dates, but I think before Stoya revealed what happened, James Deen made a rape joke on his twitter (something along the lines of “it’s not rape if you yell surprise first” in response to a comment someone made) hence why Coke may not be surprised that he’s a rapist.

          I also believe that James Deen made these jokes AFTER Coke wrote the post explaining his appeal, hence her opinion could have changed after seeing the things he said.

        • People are Strange says:

          Right it’s totally a real fetish where the woman is subservient to the man. That’s just my fetish, it’s not based on centuries of men subjugating women and trying to control their sexuality. It’s my fetish!!11

          I hope your domestic abuse excusing ass winds up in jail.

          • The Coquette says:

            Yo, People Are Strange. If you’ve got an axe to grind against BDSM because of your shitty ex, feel free to ask me a direct question about it and I’ll give you my thoughts. Don’t take your issues out on the other commenters. Based on your statements thus far, it sounds like you were the victim of physical and emotional abuse under the guise of non-consensual BDSM from an actual sadist as opposed to a respectful dom. I’m really sorry that happened to you, but it’s no one here’s fault. (And it’s especially not your fault.) I wish you well, and I hope to hear from you soon.

          • Judge Thredd says:

            Uhhhh…was that directed at me?

            You can speculate all day about BDSM having some of its psychological roots in historical subjugation, that’s fine. It’s also an interesting perspective. I don’t know why you think a link between subjugation and BDSM would mean that people should not deal with that psychological need (tension?) by acting it out in a safe, sane, and consensual way. Acting out BDSM fantasy doesn’t make it domestic abuse.

            I’m also confused why you want me in jail. First, I’m personally not really into BDSM play. Second, I also believe Stoya’s accusations. So…what’s the issue here?

          • Brynn says:

            Even more interesting when you throw in the fact there are a shit ton of male subs and female doms out there. I certainly believe that interest in BDSM is, on some level, a response to gendered power dynamics; I just haven’t seen the harm in safe, informed, and consensual exploration of those power dynamics. I’ve actually seen a lot of positive gain for people who previously repressed their sexuality out of ignorance, believing that their kinks could only bring harm or judgement. I’ve seen that kind of repression leak out in unhealthy ways… If that person had ever met someone who’s serious about BDSM, or even took 5 minutes to type it into google with a halfway open mind, I doubt they’d be talking shit.

          • People are Strange says:

            My ex was into BDSM and I wasn’t. When the relationship ended he fucking beat me up.

            Now go to your “no true Scotsman” bullshit. You fucking piece of shit.

            “Wahhh it’s so ignorant that people won’t let me whale on my sex partners to my heart’s content. Fucking unfair of the whole world!!!1” You’re both pieces of shit.

          • Perspectivator says:

            People Are Strange,
            I don’t think anyone is defending domestic abuse.
            Anyone here with even half a heart is sorry to hear your trust was violated and well being was attacked.
            You’re completely right to have the feelings you do.

          • Lilac says:

            People Are Strange, you have support here. I’m so sorry you were abused, and in the name of something that is anything but cruel. I hope you find peace and healing.

          • Skylar says:

            People are strange, you absolutely do not deserve the treatment you’ve received and we all wish you the rest but blaming kinky people for the behavior of one asshole is not really fair. Your ex is clearly a scumbag and deserves all the blame for his actions, but none of the rest of us are responsible and it’s not really fair to lump us all in with one douchebag.

        • Margo says:

          I would guess it’s more that there’s no reason to be surprised when any man turns out to be a rapist, especially if he is charismatic, entitled, powerful, and pleased with himself. I mean it hinges on the word surprised – if she meant “I thought he might be” or if she meant “this is in no way an unreasonable case scenario” – I’m suggesting the latter.

  2. Aud says:

    Is love supposed to feel like an anxiety attack?

    ^fuck, I needed to read that more than any piece of advice you’ve ever posted.

  3. Camille says:

    I was seeing a man who was sexually abused by his mother from age 8 to 13 and physically abused by his father and grandfather after he confided in them about it. He self-medicated with alcohol and heroin, refused to go to therapy, was emotionally abusive towards me. If you care about them it becomes your problem too. I left after a year became clear he wasn’t going to seek help and I wasn’t naive to think my love could fix him and I couldn’t take the strain of walking on eggshells 50% of the time.

    • My husband went through something very similar. We were initially together and engaged in college. That’s when he was in his self-medication phase, same thing with the alcohol and heroin. Our relationship was unsustainable, even though we were otherwise eerily compatible and very much in love. I was in my early 20s and idealistic about what love could do. Eventually for my own safety and sanity, I had to break it off.

      Fortunately, this one has a happier ending, because we reconnected 15 years later when my first marriage was at its end. He’d undergone extensive mental treatment and was sober and back to his sweet self. I can’t say it’s been easy or that there haven’t been slips along the way with alcohol and pills (fortunately, he’s been off heroin for over a decade), but he’s really made a huge effort and has been improving over time. I don’t know that I’ve ever met someone more committed to conquering both the trauma and substance abuse.

      I think that’s when you have something to work with. If someone isn’t getting help, if they’re either stagnating for a long time or going downhill, then staying is just prolonging the inevitable. But even with someone highly motivated to improve, it’s still tough, and it’s not for everyone.

  4. germangirl says:

    She isn’t shocked because people in the industry have whispered about Deen’s sociopathic tendencies for years. Stoya just blew the lid off and is too popular and well-respected to be ignored.

  5. Darryll says:

    This website feels a little pandering lately. I suspect the author may have grown out of her own website but refuses to abandon a successful internet project.

    She did at some point mention meditation. It’s amazing how fast a quick peek into the void can dismantle the integrity of one’s passion projects. Being a “raging bitch” and being the entire universe simultaneously seems like confusing territory.

    Throwing red meat to a trigger happy fan base probably isn’t difficult for her (now that her target demographic has been established) but I bet it feels like work.

  6. Nerdlinger says:

    BDSM has conditions in which some abusers flourish, news at eleven. The same can be said for any club that’s a tad fringe and exclusive in which a dude can silence a lady by how it would reflect on her/the club if she spoke up about the abuse. I’d say given how widespread sexual abuse is, the kink scene might actually be safer than the average party place in the same way sex workers have a lower chance of having an STI than the general populace.

    • BB says:

      How dare they demand fair trial for their peers?! Clearly no one ever benefits from heavily publicized character assignation via defamatory statement. Especially when the issue is emotionally charged and/or current. Conviction without evidence is the ONLY ethical approach to justice in this tabloid utopia.

      • Margo says:

        oh shut up. innocent until proven guilty is a legal concept, as is “fair trial”. This is a court of opinion, and there are probably lots of reasons that are Stoya’s business why Deen isn’t being tried in a legal court. A judge doesn’t have to decide someone is despicable for it to be true, and if you’re pretending you can’t have an opinion on an issue until the american legal system tells you it’s ok, you’re a fucking liar.

        Here: people who say “innocent until proven guilty” in rape cases think they’re Switzerland but when your version of diplomacy is kissing Hitler’s ass, fuck you. Or to quote Desmond Tutu, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”

        Also the fact that you consider rapists your peers is a sign you should take a hard look at yourself and decide if what you see is good enough.

        • Margo says:

          My name is Margo also! I love our name <3 I love reading your comments. You have a sharp wit and a lot of incite on the issues being discussed. Have you considered starting your own blog? Maybe we could start one together! We could call it Margo squared or something cute like that 😉

        • Please do not use words if you don’t understand their definition.

          1: one that is of equal standing with another : equal; especially : one belonging to the same societal group especially based on age, grade, or status
          2 archaic : companion
          3a : a member of one of the five ranks (as duke, marquess, earl, viscount, or baron) of the British peerage
          b : noble 1

          There is nothing in that definition that involves having to exhibit the same attitudes or behaviors.

          If you think that none of your peers are rapists or criminals of some other variety, you are sadly mistaken.

          • Margo says:

            … why are you aggressively nitpicking me here and jacking my framework in another comment?

            I’m perfectly aware of the meaning of the word peer, and I absolutely do not consider myself equal to or otherwise in community with rapists. While there are obviously rapists who are the same age as I am or rapists who have the same occupation, this is a technical interpretation of the word peer and is not appropriate (and kind of creepy to apply) to this use case, which implies identification with either James Deen or hypothetical and therefore not relationally situated rapists. Since I doubt BB or whatever strawmen they were referring to are porn stars, peer here indicates some other calculation of fraternité.

            so we’re clear:
            I use the french spelling of fraternity here to pinpoint my intended meaning of that word as brotherhood; community; fellowship.
            I use the term relationally situated here to mean interpersonally or socially located; positioned via relations of age, or occupation, or whatever (see Haraway, Donna or feminist anthropology).

            How about you don’t use words if you’re not capable of a nuanced analysis of meaning and intention in language?

          • Strangely Rational says:

            It’s not nitpicking. It’s in response to your aggressively shitty comment to BB in which you imply that he/she may have rapist tendencies based on your personal definition of “peer.” You ignored the sense in which BB was using it, which happens to be not only the dictionary definition but how the vast majority of us use it.

            It means that you belong to the same societal group based on things such as age, occupation, class, etc. In the specific case of juries, it means a group that represents a cross-section of your community.

            Are you suggesting that in selecting juries, we ought to use your definition of “peer”? So if someone is on trial for rape, the jury needs to consist of other rapists and rape sympathizers?

            My understanding of semantics comes from a long history of study and practice. I’m not the tiniest bit threatened by an accusation of not understanding nuance by someone who can’t even recognize someone else’s perfectly correct usage.

          • Margo says:

            honestly, I didn’t imply that BB might have rapist tendencies, I said that they were identifying with rapists by using the word peer in this case and that that was indicative of larger issues. I was being “aggressively shitty” towards the position of default defense of the accused (rapist) rather than the accuser (victim) implied by the glib invocation of “innocent until proven guilty” and BB’s smug derision of the political position of default solidarity with victims. The whole point of my original analysis was that there is no such thing as neutrality in oppression politics.

            “Jury of your peers” is again, a legal concept and therefore a very technical use case. I don’t agree with your assertion that “most of us” use the word peer in this way.

            Either way, my interpretation of BB’s use of peer was incidental, it was just a turn of phrase to say that their politics suck and their politics reflect on them as a person. Unless this struck a personal chord with you I don’t know why my interpretation of someone else’s use of a word would put such a bee in your bonnet. I’m also not interested: this debate is gross and I’m annoyed with myself for entertaining it.

          • Perspectivator says:

            Margo, I read it the same way. Within this context, to say that someone is a peer means that you’re accusing them of either being rapists, or having a high level of rapey tendencies. Or did you mean that they are also a porn star? And if anyone is being aggressive here, it’s you.

            “…if you’re pretending you can’t have an opinion on an issue until the american legal system tells you it’s ok…”

            Basically your premise seems to be that it’s okay to be quick to judge. A lot of people recognize that they don’t know the situation and are looking to a court to give them the authority to have an opinion.

            You quote Desmond Tutu in the face of people who are basically saying they don’t know if the situation is unjust.

            And for fucks sake please don’t think I’m defending a rapist. I’m just trying to point out how your gears are grinding.

            But here’s the thing I object to the most. After associating some poster with rapists you continue, “take a hard look at yourself and decide if what you see is good enough.” This is a passive aggressive insult. It has nothing to do with … the real issues at hand. You’re getting personal in your attack.

            I would suggest you heed your own advice regarding mirrors, but it seems to be a forgone conclusion that you’re quite happy with your reflection.

      • Margo says:

        So this, this is exactly how I would have answered this question. Why does the opinion of bunch of women not valid to you? Do you just assume we are all liars? That’s unfair.

  7. D.T. says:

    I used to do porn half a decade ago. The one time I was in a “straight” gangbang scene, James Dean was one of the other men involved. It was with a BDSM site and the girl who was subbing was on her third shoot in three days. She told everyone ahead of time to go easy on one of her “parts.” Everyone seemed to get the memo except for Dean who had no problem targeting the spot she said was sore. I also distinctly remember the sub shedding tears after he called her a whore and lightly slapped her in the face after the camera had stopped rolling. He apologized after he saw tears but it didn’t seem very sincere.

    Fuck that guy. I believe every accusation.

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