Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

How do I gain the strength to not let the suffering of others affect my happiness? I’m not saying I want to forget that people suffer, but how can I come to terms with having food and a place to live and chances to succeed when there are people out there who unfairly do not have these things or who live a hellish life.
Live your life, but do what you can to alleviate suffering. Volunteer. Donate to charity. Give back. Actually do something.

I’ve always been fairly liberal, but lately I feel like more of my beliefs fall under the umbrella of libertarianism. Is there any way to go about being a libertarian without being a cock about it?

Why date your best friend only once??????????? I ask because I have dreams about telling him that I’m not over it, even though he’s just started seeing someone else.
Ladies and gentlemen, this looming disaster right here is why you only get one shot at dating your best friend.

I’m trapped in bed. I subconsciously engineered this weekend so there would be no reason to get up. Fortunately I don’t think holding my breath and hoping to die counts as a suicide attempt.
No, you consciously trapped yourself in bed. Subconsciously, you’re keeping a painful reality from your awareness. It’s called denial, and it won’t work. Get out of bed right now, go take a shower, and you’ll suddenly understand what I’m talking about.

You talk about having sex with women, finding them attractive, enjoying passionate connections with them in threesome situations etc, but have you ever been in a romantic relationship with a woman?
Yes. She broke my heart before I could break hers. I still miss her.

Do you stick with the kind, funny but absolutely vanilla guy who adores you and so refuses to have an open relationship, or do you call it quits and take a risk dating the older, hot, kinky guy?
Third option. It’s not up to vanilla guy whether your relationship is open. Be honest about your needs, and tell him you’re gonna have a quick fling with older hot kinky guy. Maybe vanilla guy sticks around. Maybe he doesn’t. Either way, it becomes his decision rather than his ultimatum.

People who believe in heaven: why are they sad when anyone dies?
Because death is real and heaven isn’t.

talk to me about first loves. am I naive to think that this could be my only love? is every first meaningful connection destined to fail? I can’t imagine ever feeling this way about anyone else in the future. our relationship isn’t easy or simple, but we are loyal and respectful, and want the same things in life and love. are we wrong to think that it can last forever?
You’re not naive to think this could be your only love. You’re naive to think it’s never going to change. It won’t always feel like this. Enjoy being in love, but know that nothing lasts forever, and just because a relationship ends, that doesn’t mean it failed.


72 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Nerdlinger says:

    You could opt for bleeding heart libertarian (if people are going to think you’re a cock anyway, you might as well pick up the theoretical grounding):
    Also combo it with volunteer work for a cause that’s both libertarian and liberal (prison reform, soft drug legislation campaigning) to counter the fuck-you-got-mine image.

  2. Strangely Rational says:

    “how can I come to terms with having food and a place to live and chances to succeed when there are people out there who unfairly do not have these things or who live a hellish life.”

    Well, you can start by recognizing the fact that you’re not the one with the fucking problem, so quit making it about you.

    Someone poor and ill who doesn’t give a shit about your privileged-ass guilt

    • Anon says:

      I agree with your point, but would you rather the privileged not give a shit at all? Aren’t you angrier about all of the privileged assholes who don’t have guilt?

      • Strangely Rational says:

        It’s not the guilt itself that’s the problem. It’s the question, “how can I deal with my feelings about other people’s problems?”

        BTW, I have read the OP’s reply below and am now fairly mystified.

      • respectful says:

        I agree with you Rollertrain. And Strangely Rational, how did you not realize they did acknowledge they weren’t the one with the problem? Hence the guilt over the “privileges” (read: basic fucking human rights) of having food and a place to live? Do you have those basic privileges, Strangely Rational? What gives you the right to judge someone’s compassion for others who don’t have access to such essential provisions? Your moniker is inappropriate.

        • Strangely Rational says:

          “how did you not realize they did acknowledge they weren’t the one with the problem?”

          No, the OP is specifically writing about their problem: guilt.

          I’m not quite sure how you missed that.

      • Strangely Rational says:

        And don’t you sound nice yourself?

        Is it so difficult to consider that someone who is ill and poor might be just a wee bit touchy when reading about someone whose “problem” is feeling guilty that other people are poor? I’ve heard too many things like that from privileged people who needed a huge amount of perspective or were looking for pats on the back for caring about the poor.

        I’ve now seen the OP’s response, and if it’s true, then there were things left out of that letter that were highly relevant – namely, that the OP is too poor him/herself to afford necessary medication. That changes this from a “needs a kick in the ass” situation to a “honey, you need to take care of yourself first!” one.

    • Hmmm says:

      I’m the asker of the question.

      Now, normally I would just let this comment slide off my back, but since I can’t afford my medication this month and I’m going through hellish withdrawals my levels of irritability are through the fucking roof and I need to vent even if it’s something as petty as this.

      I know damn well it’s not about me, but you’re really going to be an asshole because I feel guilty for having food to eat and a roof over my head? I scanned the comments section of a few other posts to get an idea of what sort of person you are and in one you mentioned you’re on several medications. Now, if you have access to medication than I’LL take the liberty of assuming that you also have access to food and shelter. And let’s not forget you also have access to Internet and a device to access said Internet. Hmmm.

      Maybe I did make it about me, but so fucking what. I volunteer. I donate whenever I’m able to. I give food or money to homeless people whenever I have something to spare. Yeah, I know it’s not about me and I don’t deserve an award for doing what everyone should be doing, but I think I should be able to ask a question about how to deal with my guilt at having a somewhat decent life when others don’t have that luxury and how to not let that guilt and sadness affect my own damn life.

      You have to give me credit for at least partially having my head out of my own ass.

      • Strangely Rational says:

        “you’re really going to be an asshole because I feel guilty for having food to eat and a roof over my head?”

        No. I was being an “asshole” because your post appeared to lack perspective. I’ve seen it way too much coming from privileged assholes – talking about someone who’s really suffering and then complaining about how hard it is for THEM to deal with it in the next breath.

        As for the rest of your post, I’ll just say this. If you are having that much trouble and are donating money instead of saving it for your own meds (seriously, what?), then I don’t understand where the guilt comes from. Don’t get all huffy because I assumed that you were better off than you are. I’ve simply never encountered someone as poor as you who felt guilty about having a life in which they can’t even cover their own needs.

        Which by the way, I am genuinely sorry to hear. That’s some pretty misplaced guilt. You need to take care of your needs first before you can help other people.

        • Hmmm says:

          I see where you’re coming from now and your initial response makes sense.

          And to clarify, I’m not donating money instead of paying for my meds. I know that I need to take care of myself first in that respect.

          Thanks for the reply. All the best.

          • Strangely Rational says:

            Okay, that’s good. I’m really sorry for jumping to conclusions. I’m having a really bad last few days myself – which, coincidentally enough, would be easier to handle if I weren’t being undermedicated for anxiety myself – so I let some shit fly that I shouldn’t have. I hope it hasn’t caused too much distress.

  3. Strangely Rational says:

    It’s not so much about whether your love wants “the same things in life and love” as you do now. It’s about whether your future self will. (Hint: it won’t.)

  4. coskel says:

    re: dating your best friend.
    I waited 25 years to do this, and it broke both our hearts after one date, because we both realized that we should have taken that chance 25 years ago.
    it also ruined the friendship.

  5. Perspectivator says:

    Two cents on giving. It’s about the moment and logistics. If there’s something within reach that you can do that will alleviate suffering without causing more suffering, then it behooves you. Can you keep someone from dying of starvation in africa right this moment? No. So you can’t hold your self image responsible. You don’t have to “give until it hurts” you have to give until it doesn’t make sense. And just as a simple test of what you can do, next time you’re at the store pick up as many tuna quick lunches as you can. They’re cheap as fuck. Keep em in your car and give them to every homeless person you see. Cheap, efficient and convenient effort that is guaranteed to help. Do that shit and see how you feel. Too lazy to actually interact? Donate fifty bucks to something good. If you can’t find a way to help; you’re probably stupid. I started by making sure my pedestrian skills were immaculate. Don’t cross when the hand is red, you’re just holding up traffic. I’ve given thousands of things to people in various states of need or want. Those are the two axis. How much do they need it, and how much do they want it. That’s on their side of the equation. The shit on your side is how much effort, and how much reward. Ideally you would give them something that was no effort, and infinite reward that was both needed and wanted. How you find the ideal point of giving is the definition of who you are and where you’re at. Good luck.

    74% chance that if the boyfriend does stick around after the fling he’ll be unable to get over it and she’ll end up being the “badguy” when she has to break it off because he’s become intolerable. Just speaking from personal experience.

    The shower only gets me so far. I have to find something else to do that forces me into the world. Otherwise it turns into “just a little nap now that i’m clean and relaxed.”

    • Hmmm says:

      Thank you for the advice.

      The problem that I have is that even when I do volunteer or donate or whatever, it never feels like enough (because it isn’t). I just don’t know how to accept the fact that life is unfair and that some people are dealt shitty fucking hands and how to not let that affect my own well being. I haven’t found a way to live my life as Coke said, without feeling shitty about having things and experiences and chances others don’t.

  6. Thrillhou says:

    “She broke my heart before I could break hers. I still miss her.”

    Ugh. I usually read for the critical commentary and insights on shit, but this answer was exactly what I needed to read without realising it. But I thought I’d grasped the process of moving on and now I think I haven’t. I’m going to go write some things down.

  7. Don't Stop Believing says:

    On first loves – hold on to that feeling. And Coquette is right, things will change. Your relationship might remain, it might not. But the love you feel and the love you express and the love you experience is never wasted. TBH, I haven’t talked to my first love in six years. And I’m married to someone else now. But I still wish him all the best that this life can give him. Does he still have a little piece of my heart? Probably. But we have both gone on to love someone else, thereby multiplying the amount of love in the universe.

    Love with all of your heart. It might get broken. But your love will not be wasted. And perhaps, if your first love is not your forever love, you will learn how to love a bit more authentically, generously, and freely.

  8. Heartache is brutal, CQ. And this sure ain’t your first rodeo. On to the next. 2016 will be a special year for you. I got my sources. Besides, any man who prefers another over you is plain dumb. My grandma used to call that — the porch light’s on, but no one’s home. I need a drink.

  9. PolicyChick says:

    “just because a relationship ends, that doesn’t mean it failed.”
    Thank you for this. The default belief that if you’re not together forever then the relationship ‘failed’ irritates the hell out of me. Everything ends, everything dies eventually. Maybe it dies because you grow apart, maybe one of you gets hit by a bus. I remember when the Gores divorced and there was much rending of garments over, how could their marriage have failed? From my viewpoint it was far from a failure – they were happy for a long time, had successful careers, raised great kids….I mean what more do you want? It thrived for a long time, and then it died. It happens to everything and everyone.

  10. Jessie Coke says:

    Hey Coke, I adopted your maiden name. I’d like to request you add a function where we can upload photos onto your questions section. This way we can share screenshots and images that provoke us. Love, Jessie.

  11. respectful says:

    Am I the only one who read Coke’s response to vanilla/kinky guys sitch and was mentally shouting “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO THIS IS NOT AN OPTION”? Honestly expected to see a comment about that Q/A first. Obviously vanilla guy might not be meeting every sexual desire they have but that really doesn’t equate to their needs not being met– on the contrary, telling your monogamous partner you are going to have a fling is a serious violation of partner’s stated boundaries. THAT fails to meet your partner’s needs. Coke frames this as a decision for the partner to make, but it is cruel and unfair to tell a monogamous partner you are going to deliberately cross their boundry, knowing it will make them uncomfortable. The partner now will have an ultimatum of accepting an open relationship and harboring hurt and conflict over the scenario or will feel pushed to terminate a relationship with someone that deliberatelyand excitedly crossed their boundries. Either are so sad and unhealthy for the partner.

    Look, it is one thing to discuss this desire for sexual nonmonogamy with your partner but it is not their obligation to indulge you if it makes them uncomfortable. And it seems you have had that discussion already. I can guarantee if you choose Coke’s nonsensical third option, you will lose your kind, funny, and adoring partner.

    Unlike what Coke proposed, it is not YOUR choice whether your relationship is open. It is not your partner’s either. It is your choice to make together. You don’t have the right to force your partner’s hand. If you disagree, which it appears you definitely do, then I would recommend you ask yourself if this is really what you need from a relationship, try some kinks out with your partner, see if maybe they are interested in swinging if his nonmonogamy issues are tied to you having sex without him present. No matter what you decide, this guy adores you and you owe it to him to be honest and break it off if he can’t give you what you want.

    A last piece of advice, if you follow through with this manipulation and your partner stays with you harboring contempt, you will be manipulating your relationship into something different as well.

    • Lex says:

      100% agree. Being honest about your sexual and emotional needs is one thing, cheating on your current partner is another. (And yes, fucking someone else without your current partner’s knowledge AND consent is *always* cheating.)

      • Rose says:

        “Be honest about your needs, and tell him you’re gonna have a quick fling with older hot kinky guy.”

        How is telling your partner you want to have a fling “cheating”?

        • Blueb says:

          No, telling your partner you want to have a fling is not cheating, but I think you missed Lex’s point. Fucking someone else without your partner’s knowledge or without your partner’s consent is cheating.

          And the advice wasn’t, “Tell him you wanna have a quick fling.” No, the advice was, “Tell him you’re gonna have a quick fling.” There’s a difference. Vanilla wants an exclusive relationship. OP doesn’t have his consent to fuck someone else. Coke suggested, in other words, “Tell him you’re going to fuck someone else anyway,” which, according to the above definition, would be cheating.

          • Rose says:

            It’s not cheating if you tell someone you’re going to do a thing… and then you do the thing. Potentially relationship terminating, yes, but not cheating. She’s giving him the option to either stick around for an open relationship or to leave. Coke could have said “you could stick with Vanilla and not fuck the other guy,” but that’s obviously what OP was doing at the moment they typed this, and not very helpful advice.

          • WhoAmI says:

            no, the advice was “tell clearly vanilla guy your terms of the relationship, then he can still leave it (become a fuckbuddy or whatever), or stick around”

            the whole point is that it’s not up to vanilla guy to force the relationship into a monogamous one, that the asker does NOT need his written agreement to be in an open relationship (spoiler alert : a relationship is always different for the two people who compose it), but it is up to the asker to stand for herself and be honest with him

          • Lin says:

            If you tell someone you’re going to cheat on them, and then cheat on them, that doesn’t mean you haven’t cheated on them.

          • Strangely Rational says:

            If someone you’re in a relationship with tells you that they’re going to have sex with someone else, that is your opportunity to terminate the relationship.

            If you choose to end it, there’s no cheating. If you choose not to end it, you’ve just accepted it.

    • Lin says:

      Me too, man. This is one my biggest disagreements with Coke. She’s given this advice before and it’s so misguided. If Vanilla Guy has made it clear that he’s not okay with an open relationship then he’s entitled to that boundry. Telling him “I’m going to disrespect you concerning our relationship and if you have a problem with that you can leave” is borderline manipulation and just downright cruel.

      • The Coquette says:

        Excuse me, but he’s the one telling her “I’m going to disrespect you concerning our relationship and if you have a problem with that you can leave.” If he can make a unilateral decision about the status of the relationship, she is perfectly entitled to make a unilateral decision in disagreement. They are both entitled to their boundaries, and if those boundaries conflict, they can either compromise or end the relationship. Whatever happens, the point is that they should both be open and honest. She is obligated to tell him what her needs are and what she plans on doing to satisfy those needs. She’s only wrong if she acts in a willfully deceptive manner.

        • CynicalGrey says:

          OP: “I want an open relationship.”
          VG: “I do not want an open relationship.”
          Together now: “It looks like the relationship is not compatible. We should move on.”

          Pretty simple when someone isn’t saying “oh, hey, I have needs and I am going to have a fling.” There’s really no reason to bring up hot kinkster dude. The “I’m going to have a fling” really isn’t necessary which is what everyone is getting hung up on. And it’s the least important aspect of the conversation. What the boundary looks like matters little when the boundary is needing to be defined.

          That said, I’d be pretty pissed if my open partner suddenly decided that his needs was to go without a condom or one of our other agreed boundaries. I’d not want to date anyone that thinks they can make unilateral decisions after an agreement has been made. There’s something hot about collaboration.

  12. WhoAmI says:

    Is it me, or are more people reacting to coquette’s advice by truncating it and by overall engaging less brainpower in it since she is less of a “raging bitch” ? was the crude tone fending off the trolls and scaring people with half-formed ideas out of actually posting them ?

          • Perspectivator says:

            I actually agonized over affect vs effect but because I had a migraine starting up I decided not to make an effort. Still haven’t.

          • Blueb says:

            I’m just giving you shit. You’re clearly articulate, so I figured you were either being ironic or it was simply a mistake. Either way, the grammar Nazi in me couldn’t resist.

            Also, sorry to hear about your noggin. Migraines are awful.

          • Perspectivator says:

            There was just a tiny voice saying, “effect reading comprehension would mean exactly the opposite of what people are expecting…maybe they’ll look at your avatar…which is neither silly nor cute.” Brain turned into an echo chamber of pain…hit return.

  13. JC says:

    I give the guy a tiny bit of awareness points for understanding that libertarians are cocks. If he can come to understand that his inclinations are really just the manifestation of the feelings of selfishness that we all do battle with, there’s still hope for him.

  14. Lin says:

    “Willfully participating or conspiring to participate in an act of intimacy with the foreknowledge that your partner would reasonably consider that act to be a breach of the mutually understood and agreed upon terms of the relationship.”

    Coke, how does your advice about forcing an open relationship not contradict your own definition of cheating?

    • PolicyChick says:

      Because you are leaving out the part of Coke’s advice regarding the writer tell Vanilla Guy she is going to have a fling with Kinky Guy. TELLING someone your intended actions is neither conspiratorial nor deceptive.

      If the writer wants to change the relationship from closed to open (while presumably staying emotionally committed/primary partners), and is honest of her intentions to do so, it is up to Vanilla to either stay or go.

      • give me a break says:

        Telling someone you’ll violate the terms of your relationship isn’t deceptive but it is willfull participation in an intimate act, something you ommitted.

        Again, where is this presumption that OP was in need of an open relationship/nonmonogamy or kinkier sex to the extent of giving the partner (who she’s already had this discussion with) an ultimatum that is violating his stated boundaries coming from? It is clear from the OP that they were intending to either commit to their current partner or move on for the greener grass, not act in an emotionally manipulative way (thanks Coke).

        What happens after she tells him she’s going to have a fling? Will she like it so much that now frequent, not simply one experience of, nonmonogamy is now a term of the relationship? “I’m gonna have a fling every Friday.” Is it up to Vanilla guy to leave then, or is it still her who is pushing her partner’s boundaries? I’m seriously concerned for how you people handle your personal relationships.

      • give me a break says:

        And how the fuck would you know that?

        Did she say she “needed” kinky sex explicitly with someone else? That nonmonogamy was an essential relationship boundary for her? That’s not what I read but you, Coke, inferred that it must be a “need”. Even if it was, was this boundary communicated to her boyfriend in the beginning of the relationship? At all? If so I understand your point, however she clearly implied their relationship was nonmonogamous by stating her boyfriend didn’t want to open it up, which would infact mean that the terms of this relationship are well understood to both parties, and, until your horrid advice, agreed to. You assummed that her desire to have an open relationship and/or some kinky sex with an old guy was such an important need you advised she allienate her boyfriend with an ultimatum to stay with an emotionally neglectful at best, abusive at worst, partner or make the decision to end things. All of the burden is now on him and that is royally fucked up when his girlfriend is clearly the one with the desire to change the existing terms of the relationship. It should be her responsibility to end things if the relationship can no longer meet her needs, and not through an act of cheating.

        It’s really sad that she came to you asking which of two healthy, respectful and responsible choices she intended to make and you offered her advice that was so disrespectful. This is not normal behavior in a relationship. Who hurt you?

        • Lin says:

          Exactly this. Thank you. If she can no longer tolerate the relationship as is, and Vanilla is unwilling to modify terms, then it’s on her to be a fucking adult and end it.

        • The Coquette says:

          I know I’m not going to convince you of anything, but you think I’m making assumptions when I’m not. She specifically used the word “refuses” in her question, which more than implies the very conversation you seem to be ignoring. Clearly, they talked about opening up the relationship. As she put it, he refused. At that point, the terms of the relationship were no longer mutually understood and agreed upon.

          You can hate this advice all day long, but I stand firmly behind my larger point that her right to refuse is equal to his right to refuse. No one person gets to define the terms of the relationship.

          Also, I keep stressing the importance of honesty and integrity, and yet again, you keep ignoring it and insist on using words like “cheating.” Please. You’re smarter than that. You know damn well that I don’t endorse any kind of cheating. That isn’t you misinterpreting what I’m saying. That’s you deliberately misrepresenting what I’m saying.

          It’s perfectly legitimate for a person in a relationship (especially after having been directly refused a need) to say, “I’m sorry, but this is what I need, and this is what I’m going to do. I don’t want to lose you, but I also understand if you’re not willing to accept it. You can stay or you can go. It’s entirely up to you.”

          I get how shit like that terrifies you so you have to keep calling it disrespectful, but just because you find it destabilizing, that doesn’t make it abnormal relationship behavior.

          • give me a break says:

            You are seriously deluding yourself if you think you’re stressing the importance of honesty and integrity in your advice. And this is cheating, because she would be doing it without the consent of her partner. Crossing my fingers this poor girl just broke up with him like her first option in her Q describes, instead of taking your horrible advice to kill her relationship slowly and without trust from her partner.

          • Strangely Rational says:

            “And this is cheating, because she would be doing it without the consent of her partner.”

            Unless vanilla dude has a certificate of ownership*, she doesn’t need his fucking consent to do whatever she wants with HER body.

            We don’t know how casual or serious this relationship is. But either way, the most she owes him – or anyone else owes anyone – is honesty.

            She doesn’t need his permission. She just needs to inform him of her decision, at which point he can be a big boy and make his own decision about whether he wants to keep seeing her under those conditions.

            *And I don’t mean a marriage certificate either.

      • Lin says:

        But they are? At least that’s what I inferred from the question. She brought up the prospect of an open relationship with her partner. Partners says, “No, I need monogamy, hard limit.” The asker, apparently, agrees and continues participating in the relationship.

        Now if she’s bored with her sex life, well, the ball’s in her fucking court. Leave the guy. Date whoever. If she’s that unfulfilled by her relationship then she can make that call. If she decides that she has the lust for a million cocks that only older kinky guys can satisfy, then she’s free to go to town.

        But that’s not your advice. Your advice is, “tell him the terms of the relationships have now changed, and if he is at all betrayed or upset, he can take a hike.” Maybe honest, but very much lacking in integrity.

        The fact you label limits and boundaries as “ultimatums” is telling.

        • WhoAmI says:

          she’s advising OP to not leave “vanila guy” but to insist on her needs instead because OP clearly still care about “vanilla guy” a lot, duh.
          relationships evolve with time, and it’s all about working on it for both partners to be at their happiest andfor most of their needs to be met
          OP would be most pleased with an open relationship AND with a relationship with vanilla guy, coquette just advises her to stand for herself to get to that intersection of both
          vanilla guy really has nothing to lose in the deal, except his cheapest ticket to jealousy-town
          then again, your views on open couples do sound very insecure and misinformed, monogamy mary

          • Lin says:

            Oh please. You haven’t got the faintest fucking idea about my experiences with open relationships or polyamory so take your condescending nicknames and shitty punctuation and shove them right back up your ass.

            Monogamy is not the same thing as jealousy and shame on your dumb ass for implying such. Fucking multiple partners doesn’t make you some enlightened guru. Please.

            People have their needs in all interpersonal relationships. If the asker needs an open relationship to be fulfilled and her current partner is unwilling to be open then yes, she should leave him.

            She has her needs. She shouldn’t apologize for them. The partner had his needs. He also shouldn’t apologize for them. You are right about something. Relationships change. They evolve. They end. It’s fine if this one ends. Hopefully if it does they can part ways amicably. But knowingly crossing a partner’s boundary to provoke them is sleezy and cruel and if you knew anything about open relationships, you would know that.

          • WhoAmI says:

            well now that you got a little personnal it actually makes sense where your previous comments come from
            i still stand by my last remark and my shitty punctuation tho

            (as a side note I said misinformed, not inexperienced. I might have been clearer on that part)

          • Lin says:

            Personal? Again, dude, you have no fucking idea. And the fact that you would rather question my personal dating history rather than refute the argument is enough indication that you concede the point.

          • give me a break says:

            Is this serious? I suppose it’s telling that when you lose an argument you simply name call.

            Why are you assumming anyone advocating for honest (not manipulative) communication on this thread is monogamous? I am not. But I also would never have forced my partner’s hand into agreeing to this open relationship. It is so, so different to simply talk about nonmonogamy as something you desire than the advice given: do it anyways, with the full knowledge it will hurt your partner. Trust is foundational in nonmonogamgy so why is it all of you are advocating so hard to make this person into someone her partner cannot trust? I understand that Coke thinks this is an issue of unequal footing in a relationship, and perhaps in her own personal relationships she’s retalliated in the way she advices, but this is not the way to create a lasting nonmonogamous bond with a primary partner. That shit involves so much open communication, honesty in regard to action, and SUPPORT. I would also like to say while Coke originally said “Tell him you’re gonna have a fling,” she revised that to a compassionate version of this conversation that included “I’m sorry,” and “I’m going to do this,” both conversations are manipulative. Nonmonogamy isn’t about forcing and pushing people’s boundaries so they become uncomfortable and simply tolerate it. Also, so much of this approach reads as your primary partner isn’t as important as your sex drive, and this ultimatum will make him feel just that. It is really cruel to force a partner to a type of relationship they don’t want, especially as a means to get them to break up with you because you won’t, Coke.

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