Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Where’s the line between empathy and enmeshment?
Empathy and enmeshment aren’t really on a spectrum, but what I think you’re really asking is, “at what point does my concern for others become an unhealthy level of over-concern.” The answer to that question is the point at which you start allowing your personal boundaries to break down or be violated.

Should I become a psychiatrist or should I become a lawyer? Help, I can’t decide.
Split the difference and become a forensic psychologist.

I have never been in love. I like who I am when I’m with him. But I’ve got this knot in my chest, sometimes I want to cry. Everything about this terrifies me. I’m not ready to share myself.
Yeah. Cupid doesn’t give a fuck whether you’re ready to share yourself. Welcome to being in love.

How do I start to recover from what seems to be PTSD from a rape? It’s been six months and I’m starting to feel it.
I highly recommend EMDR therapy for PTSD. That shit really works.

I’m 24. Just found out he’s 37. First date this week. Is that too old?
Some people will think so, but then again, who gives a fuck what some people think? What do you think? Besides, it’s just a first date. Go. See what it’s like. Maybe you’ll appreciate dating a little older, maybe not, but you won’t know until you try.

We recently shifted to a long distance relationship. Is it unreasonable for me to expect more effort in mental or emotional needs because the physical aren’t being met?
It’s not unreasonable, but that doesn’t mean it’s possible. You’re gonna have to ask your partner for what you want. Be specific.

What makes a spark between two people?

Do you think Republicans are bad people?
Some of them. Mostly, they’re just people with bad ideas.

How can you call yourself a feminist and then sincerely endorse Clinton? Do you hate women, or are you just rich?
Yikes. This level of black and white thinking is kind of a red flag. Is everything okay with you?

How/why did you pick your handle “Dear Coquette”?
I didn’t really pick it. It picked me when I started writing professionally. Coquette is a double entendre and sly nod to my former and less appropriate handle from the early days of Tumblr. If you’re new and don’t know what I’m talking about, stick around for a while. You’ll figure it out.

I’m embarrassed by how much I’ve revealed to you over the years.
Since I can’t reach through my computer and slap you upside the head, please slap yourself upside the head on my behalf. (Do it out of love, though, because you’re being ridiculous.)


14 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Alexandra says:

    I started reading Coke Talk in the first year… I’ve checked at least once a week ever since. It’s part of my life. Love ya!

  2. Mil says:

    To the 24-year-old about to go on a date with the 37-year-old, I’m with CQ, you won’t know what you can handle until you try! One of my best friends was in this EXACT scenario and pushed back for a while, then he persisted and now they are happily married. Not saying that is what either of you want at this point, since the first date might not have even happened yet.

    Regardless, have fun!

    • WilhelminaMildew says:

      I met my husband when I was 37 and he was 22 (granted, he did not look or act that young!)
      We’ve been together almost 12 years now. And I married him because he’s the only man I ever dated that I actually ever even considered it with.

      • WilhelminaMildew says:

        Adding: Not because I dated a bunch of assholes, though certainly there were some. I just didn’t/don’t believe that marriage is necessary to have a committed, long term, (and for me) monogamous relationship.

  3. WilhelminaMildew says:

    If you (general you) have to spill your guts, air your dirty laundry, or expose your deepest, darkest secrets to someone, I’d say Coquette is a damn good someone to pick.
    She is intelligent, wise, empathetic, insightful, straightforward, honest, and trustworthy, to name a few of her qualities. I’m sure the anoymity helps as well, as you can imagine her however you like, in whatever way helps you feel safe to send her your secrets.
    I don’t know any more about Coquette than anyone here does, but damn, I hope her IRL friends value having her in their lives. People like her are priceless in their rarity.

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