Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I’m single this year. What should I get into on Valentine’s Day? I was thinking wine and budgeting, do you have any other suggestions?
One of the greatest parts about being single is not even having to acknowledge that ridiculous Hallmark holiday. I suggest you spend your weekend doing whatever the fuck you want.

Regarding the question about the guy who signed the card “always,” what does it mean when he signs it “much love”?
Oh, Valentines Day. You bring me so many sad and desperate questions. Okay, listen up. This answer applies to anyone asking about how he signed your stupid card: Any word other than “Love” means “Not Love.” Any word that mitigates “Love,” including “Much” or “With” means “Not Quite Love.” Any words that amplify “Love,” including “With Deepest,” “All My,” or “And Affection” means he’s either cheating on you or he’s a douche. (You all deserve this for participating in such a stupid ritual.)

Kasich, huh? Well you did call it. Do you think the sane outnumber the crazies in the GOP or has one of the two major political parties in this county completely lost its mind?
The crazies are only a vocal minority of the GOP, and when it comes to actually pulling the lever, GOP voters don’t fuck around. Trump was never going to get more than 25% of the lunatic fringe, everyone hates Cruz, Rubio is a child, Bush is a chump, and Kasich has been low-key presidential this whole time. Now that the primaries are here, Kasich is gonna pop. I said it last year, and I still stand by it.

Why do I want to know what celebrities’ vaginas look like?
It serves two purposes. One, it sexually arouses you. Two, in a culture that worships celebrity, it humanizes them in your eyes. (That’s me being gracious. I could also say it degrades them in your eyes, in which case you would be a creepy creeping creep. I’ll let you decide that for yourself.)

Do I need to talk to my boyfriend about my impossible crush on one of his best friends or should I just keep that shit to myself and wait for it to go away?
If you tell him, the triangle that forms will detonate your relationship, which was most likely your subconscious plan all along. You’re asking me whether to push the self-destruct button on your relationship, and that’s not my decision. It’s yours, but you should at least know what it is that you’re really doing.

Can you explain more about EMDR? My doctor suggested it could help me, and everything she said sounded a little freaky-deaky, tbh.
It sounds a little freaky-deaky because the human brain is, in fact, a little freaky-deaky. Google that shit. It’s real science. It really works.

Why am I attracted to older men who are in positions of power over me? Is it because my dad is super old?
It’s not just because your dad is super old. It’s also because your mom is much younger. That’s the dynamic you learned. That’s the pattern you’re repeating.

Why does everyone suddenly hate feminism? Do we need to find a better word to describe ourselves?
I don’t accept the premise of your first question, and the answer to your second question is fuck no.

people need to learn 50% of lifestyle is attitude. (the rest is opportunity.)
Preach. (But opportunity is privilege. Never forget that.)


18 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. pwinks says:

    Worth noting that while he has been demure thus far and doesn’t spout crazy, Kasich is way the fuck out there on the right and would be just as much a disaster as the rest of those mopes.

    • The Coquette says:

      It’s not seriously contested. It’s just not fully understood, and that doesn’t at all change the legitimacy of its effectiveness. (Hell, there are plenty of drugs out there where the specific mechanism of action relevant to their therapeutic effects is unknown. That doesn’t change the fact that they work.)

      • Gaybeard says:

        I wrote that in a more provocative way than I meant. Really my second sentence is what I mean. Studies on bilateral eye movement have been inconclusive as an important aspect of the therapy.

        mechanism of action – yeah you’re totally right on that.

  2. Anna says:

    I was thinking “that’s not true!” to the Valentine theory, but then I realized it’s probably true for a person that would actually ask that question.
    Don’t celebrate Valentine’s, people, it’s cheesy, and not in a good way.

  3. Amanda says:

    On Feminism : There is an incredible, oh so powerful book called Cunt: A Declaration of Independence that is a true keystone to finding clarity as a female our a Patriarchal society. It brings light and conciousness to the existant negative flow of anti-woman energy, and calls for women to honor our magnicently connected and intuitive bodies.
    It’s not about ‘Feminism’ as a word, its about Freedom.

  4. V says:

    What if I’ve subconsciously engineered the detonation of several relationships in the past in a similar way? Where does this come from? And does this mean I’m just using my partners to repeat my unhealthy relationship patterns?

  5. GOAT says:

    There was an interesting study conducted at Duke about adaptive valuation of primates. Male Rhesus monkeys actually “paid” to see photographs of the hind quarters of higher-status “celebrity” monkeys, but not for subordinate (non-“celebrity”) monkeys. I’m inclined to think it’s subconscious use of degradation as a self-defense mechanism to avoid feeling threatened by someone of a higher class or stature, but I could be wrong and I do still have a lot of questions.

  6. Strangely Rational says:

    Coquette, I’m not trying to contradict you at all about the effectiveness of EMDR, but when it comes to PTSD, there isn’t any one best way for everyone.

    My husband has complex PTSD. It’s a more extreme form that results from long-term trauma, in his case many years of brutal childhood abuse. He is so fucked up from it that it causes episodes of psychosis (to the point that for a very long time, his doctors thought he had schizophrenia).

    People in this sort of condition require incredible care – it is a far different situation when you’re processing one or a few traumatic incidents vs. hundreds. In the hands of the wrong therapist, it can be a complete disaster.

    Back in August, my husband’s new therapist, with whom he had previously had one introductory appointment, decided that she’d use the “gold standard” exposure therapy with him (I realize it’s not the same as EMDR, but bear with me here). Except that she didn’t know what the fuck she was doing. She didn’t build any trust first, she didn’t properly assess him, and she plunged in full force on the very first discussion about the trauma.

    This bitch shoved my husband back into the moments of trauma and made him describe – in detail – what was happening. How he felt emotionally. How much it hurt physically.

    He came out of that appointment completely re-traumatized. The next month was a fucking nightmare, and the next few not much better. Every last bit of his previous therapy – over years! – has been undone. It’s a miracle we survived at all, but serious damage has been done to our relationship. At this point, six months later, I can’t even say for sure if we’ll make it. I have my own mental illness, and it set me back quite a bit too.

    Now, from what I know about EMDR, it doesn’t involve anything like the level of detail of exposure therapy. It might have been better. But his preceding therapist, who was amazing and unfortunately retired, had suggested that he was not ready to deal with it at all, in any way, until he developed better coping mechanisms. (Her notes, apparently, were ignored by the new therapist.)

    So even EMDR wouldn’t have been a great idea. In some extreme situations, supportive therapy might be the only good option, at least in the short term.

    When he’s ready, EMDR is going to be one of the things we look into more closely. I’m definitely not knocking it. I’m not even knocking exposure therapy (which does work for many, when done properly), although we’ll never try it again.

    I guess what I’m getting at is that the first step really needs to be building trust with a good therapist and being evaluated to see if a particular method would be better tolerated than another. With PTSD, it’s too easy to make things worse – and the results can be too devastating – to make a quick decision on what method to try.

    • Datdamwuf says:

      Just to give you some assurance. EMDR is not like exposure therapy, make sure any therapist you see is properly certified. My EMDR therapist built trust and taught me how to cope with the extreme stuff that I won’t go into here, in other words we first worked on coping mechanisms. She did not do the actual processing sessions until I was capable of dealing with the memories and it was hard, it was worth it. No one is saying that any particular thing will work for everyone. It worked for me, it may not work for your husband

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