Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Favorite, realistic replacement for Scalia?
Kamala Harris

Do you find it difficult to be bombarded with so many people’s pain, ignorance and confusion?
No way. Are you kidding? I have a magical vault of a hundred thousand secrets.

You have great taste and an eye for quality, so I’m super curious: what sex toys would you recommend?
The ones that make you cum.

My little sister (17) is going through her first breakup and is devastated. Can you give me a pearl of wisdom to pass on?
Tell her to enjoy the devastation. She’ll never get to feel this kind of pain for the first time ever again. This is a special moment in her life. It’s important, and she should savor it. I’m almost envious of her. Not even joking.

He told me that fucking me was like fucking an animal.
I mean sure, that sort of a compliment, but you might wanna ask what animals he’s been fucking. Either that or just politely teach him the word “animalistic.”

I’m a girl who’s being desensitized by the porn I watch. I can’t really have an orgasm without it. Can I fix that by not watching porn anymore? Please, just some quick advice.
Yes. You have to totally abstain from all porn. That’s the only way to fix it. It takes time, and it will be incredibly frustrating, but if you want the ability to orgasm with an actual human being totally unaided by porn, that’s what you gotta do.

How do you get over a hardcore crush that is at least 85% projection and born of loneliness and boredom? I KNOW that’s why I have these feelings but it doesn’t make them any less intense and I want them to go away. This is really fucking with me.
Find something else to do with your time. I’m not being trite. That’s really what has to happen.

Jesus was way more radical than Bernie Sanders.
Yeah, but Bernie Sanders actually exists.


7 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Rainbowpony says:

    Jesus walked by slaves and didn’t bat an eye. If he was magically transported to the present day, you’d be amazed at how archaic his views are (were? I don’t know how to use verbs in a sentence with time travel).

    • Plagarism says:

      It’s “would be” (present perfect conditional).

      I think if Jesus came back and commented on the startling state of inequality in America he’d be called an elitist liberal and everyone would find a new religion of ignorant, hateful intolerance (or just modify the existing one).

        • M11E says:

          Jesus was fundamentally more radical than a knee-jerk antichristian can imagine. If he didn’t concern himself with concrete political realities, it was because he thought that spiritual liberation through love affected those realities more profoundly than political action. It’s called metaphysics.

    • says:

      I always learned that you use “were” with if statements, but I don’t have any citations to back that up. (I assume that was the verb you were asking about.)

        • J Lynn says:

          Yep on “were” for this sentence. Once you see how “were” works to communicate a conditional status, the phrase “as it were” makes more sense. Roughly translated (from English to English lol) it means something like “as it would be.”

          If you’ve ever studied Spanish (my only other language, but this could be true of others too especially the Romance ones), you may remember learning the subjunctive forms of verbs. The “if he were” usage is the closest thing that I know of to a subjunctive conjugation in modern English.

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