Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

My life is a painful cycle of ups and downs with him, but I feel dead inside without him. What do I do?
Stop making it about him. This is about you and how you allow yourself to be emotionally dependent on another person. Stop doing that. Individuate. Take responsibility for your own emotional states and don’t give other people the power to define your life. This goes for everyone you know — friends, family members, and all your future boyfriends. (Yes. Future boyfriends. Your current relationship is going to end. The sooner the better.)

I love my girlfriend of three years but I don’t want to fuck her anymore. We have a really nice life together. What now?
“What now?” is the wrong question. Instead, ask yourself, “Why now?” I couldn’t possibly have an answer for you, but that’s what you should be working to figure out for yourself.

Does the fact that I secretly hope my father (whom I resent and have a fraught relationship with) isn’t around (read: alive) for my wedding (whenever the fuck that is) make me a terrible person?
Do you see what you’ve done here? Dead or alive, you’ve given your father the power to ruin your future wedding. Stop giving him that kind of power. Come to terms with his limitations. Accept him. (That doesn’t mean involve him in your life. It just means accept that he’ll never be who you need him to be and let that shit go.)

Where is the line between being on her side and being an enabler?
The line is crossed the moment your actions begin to reinforce her maladaptive patterns of behavior.

I’m in love with my cheating ex – what to do?
Are you sure it’s him you’re in love with? I mean him. Who he really is right now as a human being — not his potential, not who he was when you met, not the idea of him you have in your head — him. Be honest.

I’m a poet, he’s a songwriter. Most of my poems are about him, none of his songs are about me. I have no doubt that he loves me, but why doesn’t he show it in his art?
I honestly don’t know how he tolerates you.

Do you regret telling the two exes about your secret identity?
Not at all. Loyalty and trust can extend beyond relationships, and those are two ride or die motherfuckers, the kind I wouldn’t hesitate to call if I needed help getting rid of a body. Besides, none of this ridiculousness would have been possible without them.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone religious?
Nope. I’ve made sinners out of several, but nothing close to love. (That’s an odd detail to pull out of me. Why do you ask?)

Don’t let the sycophantic comments section get to your head, love.
Please. You needn’t worry about the sycophants, darling. The hate mail is my source of pride.


32 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Sat says:

    “not his potential, not who he was when you met, not the idea of him you have in your head”
    This is so useful right now. I’m not the OP, but this makes so much sense. I’m working on getting over the “him” whom I used to love.

    • RocketGrunt says:

      I know that feel. The first time I fell in love, I idealized the guy so much that my version of him had nothing to do with reality. I think it made falling out of love harder because I had to accept the fact that the guy I loved just didn’t exist. It might have made it easier to leave once I did accept it, though.
      Also, one of my friends said that in her first relationship, she fell in love with the idea of being in love rather than the person she was dating. I think that happens to a lot of people.

  2. A says:

    “That’s an odd detail to pull out of me. Why do you ask?”

    Why do you think that is an odd detail? Seeing how much you dislike organized religion, I was genuinely curious if that is even possible. CAN you fall in love with someone religious? I agree with everything you have to say on the topic of religion, and at this point it seems increasingly difficult for me to look past idiotic convictions before trying to connect with someone on an intimate level.

    (I just realized. Do I sound like a New Atheist with a superiority complex?)

    • C says:

      I’m an atheist, but my fiance is a Catholic. He’s not a hard core bible thumper though, so that helps a lot. He’s not a bigot. Disclaimer though, I fell in love in him when I was still a believer. But we never minded that we don’t believe in the same things anymore.

    • Brian says:

      Probably because a worthwhile poet producing profound poetry is rare as fuck.

      Also, I don’t know how the songwriter tolerates her either. She sounds like a nightmare. For someone to ask that question, and have that expectation…christ. I was reminded of Augusten Burroughs mother from his memoir ‘Running With Scissors’; melodramatic egocentric psycho, and a very unsuccessful poet.

    • Chris says:

      When I was trying to get a manuscript of poetry published last year I opened my query letter with “Poetry is like wine and classical music. Most of it sucks.”

      Wouldn’t you know I got more than 1 response from an agent or publisher chastising me for saying that “about [them].”

      Honestly, it was hilarious. And, honestly, poetry usually sucks.

      Don’t feel bad about having an instinct about people who call themselves poets. Most wrote a poem or two once upon a time, and the rest haven’t earned your respect and admiration, and likely never will.

  3. RE: the unfuckable girlfriend says:

    I feel like this could be me (the unfuckable girlfriend). Probably not, just in a similar situation. Re: why now? A mutual disinterest in sex and a common interest in masturbation. I am submissive and have found the ‘closer’ we became connected emotionally, the further we were physically. Our intense and beautiful physical connection eroded over the course of attachment (i could unpack this) in favor of emotional contentment and commitment. I know as long as I tell myself it’s just a phase (not having sex), nothing will ever change. I want to be fuckable again, but as a submissive it seems like that is a much bigger issue than just saying I want to fuck and suck you right now… Which I do. But I have never been able to initiate. I know I’m the variable but I’m not sure how I can change. Help? Slap me, somebody.

    • Eliza says:

      I’m a submissive in a BDSM focused relationship and I’ve had similar problems and thoughts in the past.
      Your submissive roll in sex doesn’t mean that you are required to be submissive in a relationship. Your wants and needs get to be communicated too, in fact they MUST be. BDSM plays a dangerous (but exciting) game with power so it’s extra important to talk about what you need.
      If you haven’t read it please look up “The New Bottoming Book” by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. It was an important turning point for me and creating a happy relationship + canes.

  4. Strangely Rational says:

    If most of your poems are about some guy, you’re not much of a poet. At least he seems to have some artistic integrity.

    The quickest way to get what you want is to write some lyrics about yourself, ask him to set them to music, and hope that he humors you. I’m not even joking.

    • Mrs. says:

      A ton great poetry was written about “some guy” (some girl). Love is a strong emotion. That is why a lot of artistic pieces reference it in someway.

      • Chris says:

        The OP reminded me of a poem by Bukowski where he was living with some woman with kids. They’d be writing and the kids would come in. She’d get all pissed off because she’s a poet and he’d be like, ‘hey, let’s play.’ They broke up and she comes back saying, ‘you were my muse.’ He says to us, “going back doesn’t mesh well with moving forward.”

        He wasn’t her muse. He was her sitter. He was also regularly published, and she hoped it would help her. Now that reminds me of someone from an older post here where the “artist” didn’t want her boyfriend with the good business anymore, but wanted advice on how to maintain a professional relationship since she couldn’t live in L.A. without the work he provided.

  5. AlligatorO says:

    Poetry is on oxygen in an abandoned medical wing. Eventually the tank will run out but for now, if you listen closely, you can hear it wheezing far away.

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