Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

If New York is just eight million people agreeing to be uncomfortable with each other for the privilege of living in New York. What’s LA?
LA is twenty different cities swirled together, each with half a million people, none of whom are aware that the others exist.

I need something sarcastic and funny and a little bit meaningful until You’re The Worst comes back. What do I watch?
“Love” on Netflix. It’s not nearly as good as “You’re the Worst,” but Gillian Jacobs is amazing and it’ll get you where you need to go.

Okay, so, feel and embrace the raw pain of heartbreak. Feel it all the way to your core. How long do you allow yourself to feel that pain? What if I can’t stop feeling sorry for myself in addition?
Self-pity isn’t an emotion. It’s deliberate misdirection of emotion, a feedback loop that keeps you feeling the same pain over and over again. There are all kinds of reasons people hold on to negative shit, but the point is to feel your pain for as long as necessary in as little time as possible. The whole point is to let it go.

I’m so infatuated I want to cry every time he leaves.
Get your shit together.

Do you still get those moments of terror when you realize that you’ll have to die?
Sure, but now I can sit down next to those moments and smile.

Why do I focus all my energy on trying to keep him while recognizing that the things he does hurt me?
Because your threshold for pain is high enough to compensate for your fear of abandonment.

Isn’t having a “purpose” delusional? Life has no purpose other than what it is.

You’re confusing purpose with meaning.

I have so much going for me. Why do I want him to hate-fuck me?
What does one have to do with the other?

Do you own the DSM?
Of course I do. I consider it bathroom reading material.

Why’d you leave LA/CA?
Because I’d done it, and it was time to do something else.

I’ve been reading your sage advice for a long time, as most of us have. I’ve written to you once or twice, as most of us have. You’ve given pro-bono legal, psychiatric, financial, political, and romantic advice for a long time. Can you at least create a way for us to send you whiskey in return? (Without compromising your identity.)
You’re very thoughtful, and I appreciate the gesture, but how about you just raise a glass to me instead?


60 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Girl who needs to get her shit together says:

    You’re right, and that’s exactly what I was asking you to say, but I think I’m secretly enjoying being such a frivolous mess and I’m going to indulge in this a little while longer.

  2. GOAT says:

    Aww! I’m going to New Orleans this weekend and I absolutely can’t wait to raise a glass to you. I started reading at 18. I’m 23 now. We love you.

      • hm says:

        A dramedy in which the protagonist, antagonist, every side character in every b-plot dies at some point. They all have well rounded lives and people who love them. They all think they’re funny. We’re all routing for ourselves. It’s the human experience, and it’s totally fucking Oscar bait.

    • Gaybeard says:

      It just fades with time. Eventually you start to greet that feeling as an old friend. Like, “oh hey, haven’t seen you in a while, remember when I used to be scared of you?” “yeah, we were so young then, where does the time go?”

      • Ali says:

        It’s kind of like that with all feelings, isn’t it? I never thought I’d greet some feelings like heartbreak, or anxiety, that way, but it’s like the more familiar you become with the feeling the more comfortable you get with handling it. You get to know the person you become when these are your primary feelings. You learn to trust yourself to handle it.

        I’m thankful to be older. Never thought I’d say it, but it comes with so much peace.

    • Lulu says:

      I assure you this is something that you get more comfortable with as you get older. I’m 40 now, and this was absolutely terrifying when I was a kid and young adult. I think about it every night, and I try to use it to appreciate the present.

    • GOAT says:

      This is so interesting. I’m terrified of failure and becoming a bitter, regretful elder person, but never of my own death. I don’t want to die (most of the time), but thinking about the inevitability of it doesn’t faze me. Am I doing something wrong?

    • VeryON says:

      The next time you are full of fear and dread, just find a place to sit quietly. Close your eyes. It only works with your eyes closed. Take stock of what you’re feeling physically. Is there a pain in your foot? Do you hear traffic? Can you see the inside of your eyelids? Then, when you are really getting bored or impatient…hold on a little longer until you cant stand it any more.

      …and seriously ask yourself this question.

      “Am I dead now?”

      …worked for me…mileage may vary.

  3. J says:

    “You’re confusing purpose with meaning.”

    This also means that it doesn’t actually matter whether or not you have a purpose, right? It doesn’t matter, but there are many benefits to having one, and foremost among those benefits is that it makes life *tolerable*.

    • The Coquette says:

      This is where you have to draw the line between the objective and the subjective. Objectively, nothing matters, but subjectively lots of things matter. Your life’s purpose is a subjective concept. The meaning of life is an objective concept. That’s the distinction you’re trying to tease out here.

  4. Chrissy says:

    I understand why “Love” invites a comparison with “You’re the Worst,” but I wouldn’t have thought to compare them if I hadn’t seen it done so many times. Gus is an unabashed insect of a “nice guy” and watching Mickey perform as a stand in for my inner love addict is at once painful and cathartic. “You’re the Worst” plays a little lighter and hammers on the humor more, but “Love” has some guts, man.

    • The Coquette says:

      “You’re the Worst” has guts too, but it also has brains and heart. (To be honest, I hated everything about “Love” except for Gillian as Mickey, but she was reason enough to keep watching.)

      • Chrissy says:

        “Love” has enough of the hallmarks of an Apatow outfit to make it hateable (ugh, fucking Gus) with or without Gillian, but she floated it enough to make it worth a viewing. I will also say that I really dug the storyline around Gretchen’s depression in season 2 of YTW.

  5. J Lynn says:

    For “sarcastic and funny and a little bit meaningful,” if you haven’t seen it already, I loved BoJack Horseman.

    Also, it’s not at all realistic or rom-commie, instead more absurd and over-the-top, but I think Amy Sedaris’ old show “Strangers With Candy” is worth a watch. It co-stars Stephen Colbert before his “Report” days.

      • VeryON says:

        I don’t get Bojack. It seemed really flat and poorly thought out. Is there an episode where you think it’s “really rolling!” that you could point to?

        • J Lynn says:

          It gets good about 1/2 way through the first season. You’re right that the first few episodes are kind of flat, merely jokey, establishing characters etc. After that the main plots start to serialize and it gets dark & emotional (“sad-com” a critic said), which is surreal when accompanied by animal puns and sight gags. I think the first great episode was Ep 4 Zoeys & Zeldas and then by Ep 6 it’s in full swing. Ep 8 The Telescope is great.

          • hanbanjo says:

            Yes! Bojack Horseman took me by surprise with how much soul it had. I loved all the little puns and LA references. It starts off weird as fuck but LA is weird as fuck. It just makes sense. Aaron Paul voices the same bum character he always plays and does it well.

  6. You're the best says:

    I have Apatow fatigue (along with literally anyone who hasn’t yet mastered the art of masturbating while rolling a joint) but I’ll check it out ’cause Gillian Jacobs is my dream girl. I started on House of Cards and ‘Freedom’ by Jonathan Franzen in the interim between submitting and re-reading. It’s poking that little pit of self loathing and kindly reminding me we all have it, in the same way a mother might tell you you’ve put on weight at college.

  7. Plagarism says:

    I’ll probably end up checking out Love at some point, but I will add I can’t stand another white people love story. Like Jesus fucking Christ, you people and your retarded social skills are not interesting or cute. I’ve watched a ton of rom-coms just like every other girl, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen y’all get fingered in your pasty asses even once. What the fuck are y’all doing, honestly? How do y’all even tell yourselves apart from your white Pottery Barn sheets? Are white people sex and relationships really that boring? Do y’all realize no one is interested? When I saw that on Netflix, I had to navigate away fast to avoid dry heaving.

    Alright, well. Time to go watch it.

    • RocketGrunt says:

      I’ve lost many a lover in those white Pottery Barn sheets. The only way I could find the last guy in bed was by following the sound of his voice as he explained his conspiracy theories about interdimensional space aliens.

  8. Jessica Sen says:

    Where are you, Coquette? When you don’t post for a few days I feel worried and sick. I can’t concentrate in school. I can’t kiss my boyfriend. I can’t read my books. I can’t do my laundry.

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