Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I did it. I finally did it. I’ve been reading you for six years, hoping for it, and I finally experienced ego death. Everything makes so much more sense now. I’m so happy. How do I keep this going?
It’s not something you keep going. It’s something that’s always there (or more accurately, not there.) Thing is, you can’t chase it. It has to return to you (or more accurately, not you.) I’d say you’ll see, but you won’t, because there is no you. There never was and there never will be. That’s kind of the whole point.

When you move do you pack and take all your books with you? We’re moving pretty far and we have a ton of books. Of course I want to take them all with us. I love seeing them on the shelves and being surrounded by books I liked even though I won’t read most of them a second time. But a lot of people are telling me moving them is stupid. What do you do?
Of course I take all my books. I’d leave furniture behind before I’d leave my books, but that’s me. I’m a book person. Sounds like you are too, and that’s great. Just be prepared for the additional labor and expense, even though it’s obviously worth it.

How do sugar babies pay their taxes?
The same as everyone else. They report whatever income is on their W-2s and 1099s, take whatever deductions they can, and call it a day. (Gifts aren’t considered income. Sugar relationships may be transactional, but technically sugar babies aren’t being paid for services rendered. They’re merely receiving gifts like any other girlfriend would from a boyfriend. It’s a fine line, but that’s the whole point of sugaring. Of course, certain arrangements may not stand up to IRS scrutiny, but then again, the IRS can fuck with anybody if they really want to.)

I have a significant amount of disposable income for the first time in my life (I’m 25 and have pretty much always been poor). My bills are paid, and I have a couple thousand in savings. I’m getting paid next week, and I still have $2000 in my bank. What should I blow it on first?
No. No, no, no. You do not have a significant amount of disposable income. Put the $2000 into your savings account. Pretend like you don’t have it. Trust me on this. You will thank me later.

I just wanted to let you know that I was laying in bed with a new guy who seems amazing in every possible way. He opened a new tab on his computer and, sure enough, Dear Coquette was one of the suggested sites. Seemed like a really, really great sign.
Fuck his brains out and tell him why.

Are you watching States of Undress on Viceland? I would say it is the closest tv show equivalent to the way your blog makes me feel. It’s absolutely superb, especially the episode about Palestine.
Love the show. Love Hailey. Honored by the comparison.

Coke, you are such a white feminist.
If my intersectionality isn’t up to your standards, feel free to offer constructive criticism in the comments section. Until then, you’re just another asshole who’s found a way to use the word feminist as a pejorative, and for that you can fuck right off.

In all seriousness, though. Did Jay Z cheat on Beyoncé?
In all seriousness, though. It ain’t none of my goddamn business.

Favorite word?

What is your purpose?


145 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

    • VeryOff says:

      get caught picking your nose by your deepest crush as they ask you out anyway?
      Difficulty 11.

      hand a homeless person a backpack full of necessities including food at the same time you realize they could be either you or your most hated enemy
      Difficulty 4.

      watch a video about the scale of the universe, then go outside and try to push the earth out of orbit
      Difficulty 2.

      hear your mom cry when she realizes not only her mortality, but yours
      Difficulty 0.

        • VeryOff says:

          How difficult it is to contrive and experience.
          Granted…the one about mom might be more difficult for some people. But it might be that they just need to be patient.

          • Strangely Rational says:

            The problem is that your mother realized that when you were still a baby. If not before you were even born.

          • VeryOff says:

            You seem to be arguing that you can only realize something once. And that a mother thinks about her own death in its entirety and most dire weight during or shortly after giving birth. Regardless, all that would do is raise the difficulty level. 🙂

          • Strangely Rational says:

            I was coming from the perspective of someone who, once she realizes something of that magnitude, doesn’t forget it. And, as someone who went through “natural childbirth” (not recommended), I definitely did think deeply about my death then, as well as my baby’s.

            But I see what you’re saying. I’m probably not typical, as I have a sort of obsessive problem with death and a vivid imagination, so I’m always thinking about my kids’ mortality.

    • Daniel says:

      You don’t have to kill your ego. Seriously people. You got to stop reading Eckhart Tolle! He’s the biggest fake there is! I recommend reading Barbara Brennan’s Light Emerging! Great book!

      I see it like this:

      You just have to realise that you are just as small /big/important/unimportant/signifigant/unsignifigant an anyone else or anything else.. Your not entitled to anything special and your only purpose on this earth is to experience the highest form of your being. You can do that with a partner, familymember or anyone else really. You can only experience yourself in the purest form if there is someone else to mirror it.

      Well you can also read a book called Conversation with God! I like that one.. it’s an easy read and a great book to start your spiritual journey on. It’s also funny and you get alot of AHA moments! .. Good luck.

      • Strangely Rational says:

        That’s interesting, because I just had a discussion with my husband earlier about my biggest AHA moment about all my conversations with God. It’s when I realized that all the strength and comfort I’d found through prayer was really just my own voice all along. And that meant that I wasn’t as weak and helpless as I’d thought.

      • VeryOff says:

        Ego destruction clearly has some branding issues. Only accept true enlightenment if it has the right logo.

        Let’s do a blind taste test between Eckhart Tollehouse cookies and Barbara Brennan’s Light Biscuits of Perfection. This might not be fair because those biscuits can’t truly be appreciated without some gravy of ego dissolution or at least a cuppa Ayahuasca.
        But let’s give it a whirl.

        These cookies taste like…a lack of judgement and valuation of other peoples worth and a recognition of what it means to be a part of a solitary cookie on a vast cosmic plate.
        These biscuits remind me of…deeply intimate moments. It’s the crispy brown edges of non conformity that taste best!

        I can’t make up my mind!

    • Kristi Walker says:

      I’m still not convinced you actually CAN kill the ego. Not fully, anyway. It’s kind of like humility. The second you jump up and say, “Hey! Look at me being all humble and stuff”, you lose it. If you know (or even feel the need to acknowledge) you’re “killing it”, then you aren’t.

  1. ken says:

    For the person with the money in the bank and a good income; make a budget and stick to it! A real budget – what you spend on food, gas, etc. Maybe it will keep you from going crazy with your money. Although, yes, go a little crazy from time to time. Once you know how much you spend each month, and you have a few months of income saved up, your job will become amazing. It’s a wonderful feeling knowing that if things go south, you can simply leave your job and live off savings while you find the next one. If you can avoid debt, DO IT!

  2. Livvid says:

    Been poor for most of my childhood, too. I know that $2,000 feels sweet and luxurious and decadent and there are so many things you could get with that and not have to think twice about it, but trust CQ on this: put that AWAY. If you’re a frugal person, continue to be a frugal person. One day something is going to present itself and you’ll just have to drop the money on it and you’ll be so glad about it.

    That extra cash becomes so important for when you need to put down a deposit on the perfect apartment, or to go a short while without income because you’re in a shitty situation. There are so many situations where that money will buy you freedom, stability, safety and comfort.

    I highly recommend reading “The Fuck Off Fund” on Medium. The author is speaking specifically about women in situations where they are being abused or mistreated, but the sentiment can apply to anyone. Not having money perpetuates poverty. It’s fucked up, but with your extra few grand you bought yourself a little bit of your future.

    Disclaimer that I know this won’t apply to people in dire situations who need to spend money right away. But I’m speaking specifically about the reader who has extra money lying around and doesn’t know what to do with it.

    • Gaybeard says:

      I saved my whole life until I had a war chest of more than $20,000 and it still wasn’t enough to get me through an unexpected, 3 year rough patch.

      You never know when things will go pear shaped.

    • Anna says:

      I feel like 2000 dollars is so insignificant anyways that if OP wants to blow it on a vacation or whatever why not ? There are loads of ppl who never get to fly to another continent, and I think ppl deserve that experience.
      I’d use the 2000 to travel to West Africa, or South Asia, or Oceania (go to all the interesting islands).
      My only advice would be to mitigate the value of that money with time. If OP can take time off, then he/she should go for cheap travel options and make the best of it.

      • Leile says:

        I hope you continue to be lucky enough to find $2000 “so insignificant”. That idea is completely mindblowing to me.

        • Anna says:

          I work in the healthcare system, and I know that one of the hardest blows to US citizens is when they need expensive medical procedures.
          This is not the case in the EU, at least not at the same scale.
          All this to say, when shit hits the fan, there isn’t much one can do in a set of precarious circumstances.
          However enjoying one’s life doesn’t have a price, and several thousand in savings vs 2 thousand in expenses seems more or less OK.

        • Strangely Rational says:

          Yeah, it’s not so insignificant when you’re poor and your air conditioner suddenly goes out at the beginning of one of the hottest summers on record, and you live in a mobile home that turns into an oven.

          Had to put up with that for a couple of long, sweaty months until my husband received some proceeds from his mother’s estate. Go on a trip with it? Hell, no!

          Another time, my car’s clutch went out and it cost $1600 to replace. I was so thankful we had most of the money to pay for it, with just a small loan from a friend (which we paid back ASAP).

          It’s amazing how quickly you can be hit with expenses in the couple-of-grand range.

          • The Derpy Bear says:

            I am slowly learning this. A couple of years ago I sold a festival ticket because I got into school. I was lucky I did not go (would have been a total of $1000 including ticket/travel/food) because I ended up losing my job and had to survive off student loans and the little savings that I had :/

    • jdavrie says:

      It appears to have been hurled at Coquette as an ad hominem attack and nothing more. It’s using “feminist” as if it were a name to be called. In this sense, it’s no different than conservatives doing the same.

      Without further contextualization, “you are such a ___” is pretty much always going to be interpreted as an insult, and filling the blank with “white feminist” is forcing the label into that role. Again, it would be different if a more substantive criticism had been included. Context is key.

      Note: this is my interpretation of what Coquette meant. I’m not trying to put words in her mouth.

      • Livvid says:

        I thought the pejorative was over “white” and not feminist. As in the scope of said feminism was limited. The implied alternative would be intersectional feminist, someone whose feminism entailed an understanding of how women’s issues are affected by race.

        I do agree any label like that should be accompanied by constructive criticism.

        • JC says:

          Coquette seems pretty well versed on issues of race. Some of her comments suggest she’s not white, or at least not totally white. It’s pretty clear she’s a feminist. Anyone who would phrase their remark to her in this way is making a lot of assumptions about who she is and where she comes from, so yeah, fuck them.

          • Nerdlinger says:

            Things that get labeled as white feminism that could be the cause of the insult:
            -Coquette does not feel the Bern enough.
            -Coquette not putting on the kid gloves whenever a dudette writing for advice is myopic (alternatively, being sensitive and delicate also gets one labelled as a white feminist).
            -Coquette has problematic faves (Beyoncé once did a concert for Qaddafi, ergo she is tainted forever).
            -Coquette has opinions on questions about identity groups she isn’t part of.
            -Coquette’s opinions on sex workers cater to the patriarchy and puts her in the camp of funfems.
            -Coquette’s solutions to problems are often about changing what you can and learning to live with what you can’t, which supports The System.
            It could be none of these or all of these, but white feminist has gone the way of the hipster in that nobody’s sure what it even means anymore.

          • JC says:

            Um, whatever. Hey, guess what, plenty of people have opinions about my identity group that aren’t in my identity group. Since I’m a white female, that comes from men and non-white people. Both of these things.

            As to some of your other comments, Coquette pretty rarely says to accept societal realities that one cannot change (dating as a post-40 woman being one of the few examples I can think of.) Her deal is personal growth, changing what you can change about yourself and your life as an individual, accepting what you cannot change.

            I would go on, but it’s not even worth it. Anyone who uses the word myopic instead of shortsighted to describe a person is not worth wading through the arrogance to debate.

          • Nerdlinger says:

            You seem to conflate the explanation of reasons why people use white feminist as an insult with opinions I’m supposedly holding. Which probably means I was not quite sarcastic enough in my description of them (I mean, the Bey one should have given it away).

            In case of your example, of course Coquette has given advice to buck social realities when those realities are based on false beliefs (in this case, post-40 is hard but possible). In this imagined example (and do correct me if the construct of CQ I have in my mind is wrong), what would get her labeled as a “white feminist” to some would be her telling the lady in question to seek out a community or venues with good quality post-40 singles in it as opposed to a long observation on Hollywood, the stupidity of biotruths and men being afraid of dudettes who take less shit because of their age. Which would be nice, but not practical at all for the asker.

            Final point, is myopic really blowhard level language? Not a native speaker here, so some of the finer cues might be missing here.

          • AlligatorO says:

            Myopic is a pretty word. Throughout primary school I was teased by other kids for my vocabulary and stubbornly began to use it against them deliberately to belittle or fend off. Then in my Jr. High experience we had the Bush election and I perceived for the first time a broader societal trend of anti-intellect. Why shouldn’t we use whatever words we like?

          • JC says:

            Yeah, internet is bad that way. Sorry if I unfairly insulted you. I def did not get sarcasm in your response. I thought you were throwing shit at white feminist viewpoints.

          • VeryOff says:

            In one of your later responses you ask if myopic is really “blowhard level.”
            My opinion is definitely not. But so many other things in your response seem to lean that way.
            Not that this is the only thing, but maybe you’ll see why I feel this way.

            “Coquette’s opinions on sex workers cater to the patriarchy and puts her in the camp of funfems”

            That’s a broad generalization followed by a pejorative label. Ironically, it’s pejorative at the same level as the OP posting the admonition “white feminist” as though there’s a right or wrong way to be either or both. Leading to…


            That’s disgusting in so many ways. It takes away with acid what it delivers as self righteousness. Even if there is some grain of truth to the premise that some people are not “deadly serious professional feminists” it’s still robbing them of their individuality.

            “…learning to live with what you can’t, which supports The System.”

            Just because you can’t change something doesn’t mean you are supporting it. Not everything is within the reach of all individuals or even groups. And without a specific example, it’s not your place to cast that judgement.

            The words, “The System” should probably never be seen without a description. i.e. The education system. It leads to unsupportable generalizations. But maybe I’m wrong, we’d have to have a case to point to.

          • Nerdlinger says:

            You read the bottom part but not the top part of that comment:
            “You seem to conflate the explanation of reasons why people use white feminist as an insult with opinions I’m supposedly holding. Which probably means I was not quite sarcastic enough in my description of them (I mean, the Bey one should have given it away).” I do not endorse those opinions. I am summing up reasons that get one on the receiving end of the sneer, which are almost uniformly terrible arguments, as you point out (on the example you picked: funfems, or more politely lipstick feminists, aren’t even all pro-porn and pro-SW rights, often celebrating sexuality only in bougie-approved form).

          • VeryOff says:

            I think I get you. There are two places that sarcasm doesn’t read. The south, and internet text.

        • VeryOff says:

          It’s funny you point this out because I was thinking it’s impossible to tell where the emphasis is and that that is the fault of the writer.

      • Anna says:

        I feel like white shouldn’t be used as an insult either. There is nothing inherently wrong about being white (of course it’s wrong to float through life being a bigot unaware of one’s privileges).

  3. Brian says:

    “I did it. “I” finally did it” – in regards to ego death, lol… for real though some of your readers are…. I swear.

    I just picture this fucking bubblehead crying in the middle of Coachella feeling so proud of herself, missing the whole entire point/mislabeling her experience. Yeah I said HER. No guy I’ve ever met in my life would state “I did it. I finally did it.” – that’s clueless and such a female proclamation, especially in this context

    • FU says:

      What the actual fuck? Yes, alright, the OP came across as incredibly clueless but no need to be a misogynistic shithead. You sounded just as stupid, if not worse, with that last statement. “Female proclamation.” Fuck off.

      • Brian says:

        I’d bet my savings on it. Tons of people are dumb, and both genders are dumb. But dumb men don’t bother posting to Coquette about their ego death, and if they do it won’t read like that. You know I’m right.

        What’s most hilarious is, I know if we had access to which gender originally wrote that, you wouldn’t take the bet. Now, fuck off.

        • FU says:

          If I were to guess the OP’s gender, I’d definitely say female. But that’s not the point. Your comment was downright misogynistic.

          This isn’t about having guessed the OP’s gender right. You know it’s not.

        • Strangely Rational says:

          What makes you an asshole is not that you assumed the OP’s gender is female, by using the word “her.”

          What makes you an asshole is that you felt the need to hammer in your point that the OP is female, starting with the confrontational part where you say, “Yeah I said HER.”

          This isn’t about making a guess about gender; it’s about trying to make gender relevant in a situation in which it has no bearing. So really, the only conclusion to draw here is that you get off on finding opportunities to bash “clueless” women.

    • Livvid says:

      “That’s such a female proclamation”

      I mean are you at least gonna unpack why the post came across that way or are you gonna puff out your chest and tell people “You know I’m right” and to “Fuck off”?

      • Brian says:

        Negative, the meaningless flesh sack typing these comments gets it. Both intellectually and as a profound sensation.

        I identify what’s what through life experiences; ducks quack, cows moo, and certain dummies who say certain dummy things are probably certain genders. Simple as that.

        • FU says:

          You keep repeating the same thing. “I guessed the gender right! You all know girls tend to talk like that! You know I’m right!”

          You seem to be under the impression that the rest of us don’t get WHY you made that assumption. Yes, we do. You’re obviously relying on a stereotypical pattern of speech associated with different genders. Nobody fucking cares.

          Again, that’s not the fucking point. The OP might possibly be female. Great. But is that relevant? No it’s not. You trying to somehow make that relevant is what makes you a misogynistic asshole.

          Now go sit in a corner and figure out why no one likes you.

        • FU says:

          Quite an impressive collection of life experiences you’ve got there. Ducks quack, cows moo, certain genders tend to talk in a certain way. Truly convincing.

          • VeryOff says:

            My favorite moments are when he affects the robot alien voice.
            “nerp nerp, negative human water bag, your flesh does not compute the ramifications. My quantum locked penis has determined not only gender but level intelligence. Let the record show that the stereotypes are enough evidence for my conclusions. blort.

            I am totally self aware…completely self aware! I know this because I took my ego out behind the shed and beat it with my fathers wrench until I felt like the perfection of my desired gender.

            Now I will make a funny.”

          • Brooke says:

            Stupidity is isn’t worth the effort. He clearly doesn’t understand why he’s wrong even though it’s been spelled out for him 10 times over. I’d rather argue with someone who has a brain.

        • PD says:

          Yeah, I mean, if you weren’t so simple you’d get why everyone’s pointing out you’re a stupid fucksack but. That’s not your experience so it must not exist, right? Which is hilariously: a typical male proclamation.

    • VeryOff says:

      Do you sleep on a pillow stuffed full of your self importance?

      “I finally had good cake! Oh my god it was good!”
      You:”lolz seriously, oh my, some readers idea of cake…I had this picture of some inferiorite…seriously, amirite? Gender indication!”

    • Mil says:

      *eats popcorn* I’m such a sucker for threads like this. Even on

      I almost want to thank Brian for instigating.

      • Brooke says:

        It *still* baffles me that there are mysoginistic asshole idiots out there in this day and age. When will it end?!

  4. Chops says:

    2 grand? Homie, your transmission could fall out tomorrow. You could fall down your stairs and fracture your arm. Your job could straight up decide to downsize.

    2 grand is a lot to owe and not much to have. And being poor should have taught you that. Put that shit in a savings account and pretend it doesnt exist.

    • Richard says:

      Being poor actually does the exact opposite, it teaches you to NEVER sit on money. When you’re poor there’s always another bill to pay, another necessity to buy, and what’s left you can put towards whatever tiny luxury you can scrape together for your shitty life. A poor person would never ever just leave $2000 lying around in a savings account. That’s why financial coaching for even common sense things is so important to breaking the cycle of poverty.

        • coskel says:

          the US educational system would everyone a damn favor by teaching:

          Basic finance, such as savings (how to), interest, (how it works) and things like balancing a checkbook and basic investing.

          I also think every student should have to wait to get their HS diploma until they have successfully worked 6 months in retail and another 6 months in food service, at the SAME job, not job hopping when you get bored.

          • VeryOff says:

            Home economics was actually a highschool course for quite a while. It died a particularly misogynistic death as guys who took it were ridiculed. And girls who smelled patriarchy lost interest. It used to include accounting but turned into baking and sewing.

      • Strangely Rational says:

        “Being poor actually does the exact opposite, it teaches you to NEVER sit on money.”

        It doesn’t teach you not to sit on money. It prevents you from sitting on money.

        But even that’s not a sure thing. When you’re poor, you have to be careful not to spend too much money on not-strictly-necessary things, so that you can stick it away for emergencies later – if you don’t and your only car breaks down, you’re fucked.

        My family is below poverty level and on assistance (two disabled adults, but only one “approved” by the SSA). The programs we’re in do not allow us to have savings beyond $2-3K. Thankfully they do allow that, because we’ve been able to save for some emergencies during months when I’ve been especially frugal and there have been no unusual expenses. It’s really saved my ass on a number of occasions.

      • Chops says:

        I love when not poor people tell me what being poor is like. I live well below the poverty line and have for about a decade now (the crash was pretty rough on me).

        I also put my about 2k tax return in the bank every year and just sit on it. Why? because being poor has taught me that survival depends on having “oh shit” money available. A tire is gonna blow, a freak hail storm is gonna crack my windshield, my laptop (upon which my income depends) could crash.

        Maybe some folks just blow through money like crazy but saying a poor person would never ever just sit on 2k is ludicrous. sitting on 2k is the only reason my car still functions and my fridge is still full.

          • Strangely Rational says:

            You’re sitting on it until/in case you need it, rather than blowing it immediately.

            You said, “A poor person would never ever just leave $2000 lying around in a savings account.” That’s simply not true. There are many degrees of poverty, and whether or not you have a family or are single makes an enormous difference. There are plenty of situations in which someone can be poor and still be able to maintain a little cushion.

            “Poor” does not always equal “in serious debt.” That can be true – or not – at every income level.

  5. Grim says:

    Don’t casually mention how you’ve always been poor and then ask for suggestions on how to blow your life’s savings.

    Remember that you traded a part of your life for that money. You’ll never get that time back.

    My unsolicited advice would be to save that money and invest it, to buy your freedom from wage slavery. At the very least, don’t waste it.

      • Anna says:

        As if it’s the poor ppls fault for staying poor …
        I’ve been raised in this middle class Anglo-Saxon/Protestant culture where the idea of savings brings me comfort. But the fact is today in many parts of the world saving money just isn’t logically worth it.

        • Grim says:

          Saving is one of those “more easily said than done” situations. Not saving definitely keeps you poor, but that doesn’t mean it was your fault. Now, if you blow a $2k windfall…you done goofed.

          I don’t get what you mean by “isn’t logically worth it”, like if your wage is at or below your cost of living and there’s nothing you can do about that? At that point I’d say saving simply isn’t possible.

          • Jenna says:

            Very true, but savings are still important to start with. Once you have the emergency fund, then you save enough to put some in the stock market in an index fund or some such. Keep saving, and sock away enough to actually have an investment portfolio.
            But, if you don’t start with a savings account that you can pretend doesn’t exist, then you aren’t going to get there.
            Unless of course your parents started you off with a nest egg, or a trust fund, or a “small loan of a million dollars.”

          • Grim says:

            So? You keep an emergency fund in case your transmission or your kidneys emplode. Unless you’re facing such high inflation that the money will be worthless soon, it should still be worth holding on to it

          • Strangely Rational says:

            It’s best kept as an emergency fund if your income is tight. But the next best thing – if you’re young – would be to put it in an index fund as retirement savings. If you’re not going to touch it for at least a couple of decades, you don’t need to stick with “safe” investments.

            You can make some money off it then, potentially a lot due to compounding interest. Worst-case scenario is if something catastrophic happens and it loses value, which is still better than the guaranteed zero you’ll have in the future by spending it frivolously.

  6. Kimberly says:

    Book person: if you’re moving yourself, consider shipping the books via media mail. I’ve done it several times (including a move from Germany to the US) and it saves a ton of labor while being very affordable.

  7. AlligatorO says:

    I dump mass market paperbacks that are easily replaceable and only hang onto sentimental/rare edition books that I’d have a tough time finding again. Bookscouter is a great website that you can use to check the resale value of your books. I hopped on there during spring cleaning and made $65 off books I’d mostly acquired in free piles.

  8. FlyBy says:

    Two months ago I was in a well-paying job in a very reliable industry. Now I’m looking at a health problem that came out of nowhere and may cost me my career.

    I have a fuck-off fund with enough money to keep me going for a year. I am damn glad to have it. Seriously, keep your self-indulgences small and put at least a year’s worth of money aside before you go blowing it on things.

  9. a grouch says:

    Coquette’s not been ambiguous about this – she’s light-skinned, but not white. So, white-passing, maybe, but that’s really not the same thing. The child of very religious immigrants, grew up in the South… maybe Hispanic? Latina? or, for all we know, Middle-Eastern…

    That’s besides the point. Fuck anyone who uses “feminist” as an insult.

    • Brynn says:

      Right now I’m entertaining the idea of Muslim Indonesian parents, but that has more to do with my need to explain this Bali thing. My real money is on Middle-Eastern, but I haven’t a guess as to which country. I would put some big money in that pool, though.

    • Anna says:

      I like the ambiguity. I ambiguously pass for white too so that may play into it. But I’m enamoured with the idea of a coquette nation where anonymity makes personal ideas more important than personal situations. (I’m also very French-immigrant-but-totally-French, very republican -not the US definition, the political science definition- and I live in a part of the historic center of Paris, where most of the population is not white, so my favourable opinion of cultural admixture may be biased.)

  10. Alicia says:

    To the person who met a guy who reads Coke Talk regularly — god, I’d seriously use a dating site only for people who read Coke Talk. That sounds like the best filter possible.

    • Anna says:

      I wouldn’t fuck half the commenters here based on first textual impressions alone. I don’t think reading coquette is a good gage of compatibility (but then again I’ve only ever recommended coquette to my angsty teenage sister).

      • Alicia says:

        I dunno, I feel like most of the commenters here tend to be pretty chill and intelligent, aside from people like that misogynist fuckweasel Brian in this post. But if the dating site existed, people like that would find ways to make their shittiness apparent at a glance, just like on any other dating site. Not everyone would be compatible, but I think it’s a great jumping-off point and probably a pretty good sign of character for most.

  11. Anna says:

    I left my parents’ home almost a year ago and letting go of some of my hundreds of books was one of the most difficult and cathartic things I’ve ever done.
    I kept some, those I miss I will download from the ether.
    I still have way too many books for my small apartment, I couldn’t of possibly kept all of them.
    However I still gave away in one manner or another 80-90% of them, and it was a true lesson in letting go.

  12. ken says:

    I LOVE books! (and pens but that’s a different topic) But I’m blessed to have an excellent library system in my area. So, seriously, I keep all my books at the library. Between our library system, World Cat, and inter library loans, I can get just about any book I want to read. When the kids were young, we would take a laundry basket to the library and check out 25 children’s books (or more) at a time. There was no way we could afford to buy them or have a place to store all those books. That said, every member of my family has a small bookcase for books we simply cant part with. If you have a library, I would encourage you to use it!

  13. easygoingmister says:

    I’m pretty sure I’m in the throes of ego death (among other things) right now. Oh, and, I’m a HIM in the classical western civ sense in case anyone needs to know in order to base their value judgement on my situation and vocalization of such.

  14. Yana says:

    Not op but honestly cokey you posted a while ago about “just singing the damn song” if it had the n word in it when person in question was not black and that still doesn’t sit right with me

      • VeryOff says:

        I’ve read this several times now and while I project you meant the poster to reflect on why you said “sing the damn song.” But the alternative interpretation is that you’re asking her why “it doesn’t sit right.”

  15. salamandurrr says:

    To the people claiming Coke’s white: How are you gonna authoritatively comment like there’s no chance of you being wrong? Ya some of us have seen the bikini pic- but that was just of her body. Why are you ruling out the possibility she’s mixed-race? Or Arab? Or Latina? It’s really annoying and y’all should stop and at least entertain the notion that you could be wrong.

    • R says:

      It was a while ago and I can’t find it but there was a post where she wrote something along the lines of, “Racism is basically over because it’s no longer socially acceptable to be explicitly racist,” which really seems like something only a white person would say. I could be wrong, but come on. (To be fair, her more recent writing comes across as way more aware.)

    • Moira says:

      I can say, as a POC who was very, very white ‘inside’ for several years while dark-skinned on the ‘outside’, that it’s entirely possible. Just having skin that’s a different shade or even some of the experiences that come with it are no guarantee that you understand the complexity of how race intersects with the rest of your identity, especially if you have other forms of privilege that lets you be blind to it.
      The change began to happen for me after I happened to attend a meeting organized by several hundred black people who were boycotting Occupy, and listening to them speak, and their reasoning. And it’s been a few painful fucking years of figuring out things after that.

      • VeryOff says:

        You know what I find fascinating? The “white voice.” I’ve had friends that could turn it on and off and it was sort of frightening for a while. Eventually I came to understand that when they switched to “black voice” it was purely the voice of prejudice, and discrimination speaking in my head. Now it’s become a flag for really understanding empathetic communication. When you wrap your message in the cloth of their tribe, be they any color, it is inherently more acceptable. The reason it’s more acceptable is an obstacle we must overcome on the path to equality.

  16. Moira says:

    From google, I have:
    I’m concerned about saying the n-word in rap songs. I like to rap along with Weezy and Jay-Z, but as a white girl, I feel like I shouldn’t be saying the n-word even when it’s just part of a song. Censoring myself or saying something else instead just feels stupid. I know it would be better to ask a person of color (I assume you’re white? Correct me if I’m wrong) but I’m too embarrassed. What should I do?

    Sing the fucking song, you hypersensitive twit.

    Why do you feel so comfortable saying the n word so freely? Your racism makes me sick.

    You are a small and ridiculous person.

    What do you think of “the N word” being edited out of Huckleberry Finn?

    The word is nigger. You can’t even type it? Fucking pussy.

  17. Sam says:

    Oh and remember when she wrote in support of FEMEN and their “topless jihad” because “they’re trying to provoke a response through disruptive activism, and they’re doing a damn good job.”?????? A group of white women who were picked out by a white man based on how pretty they were, who also called them weak, and displays the most outrageous misrepresentations of Islam and Muslim women?

  18. Joe S says:

    I was just thinking to myself “there is no such thing as me” which prompted me to check for new content on and lo and behold the first answer in the new post. Seriously, CT, I’m still on your vibe, six years and counting.

  19. ct says:

    This person with $2000 has all their current bills paid, and I assume their immediate survival needs met (food in the fridge, gas in the tank, whatever), otherwise they wouldn’t be asking what to blow it on. It sounds like they maybe recently got a new, better job or an awesome raise, given the $2000 in the bank with another paycheck on the way. SO my advice would be set up an automatic monthly transfer from your checking to your savings. That way saving becomes just like another bill to pay; you don’t even have to think about it, and it keeps you from having a huge, tempting amount of money at your disposal.

    That said, I think it’s okay to make room in your day-to-day budget (after you’ve accounted for your monthly savings transfer) for a few small upgrades. Dinner out once a week, an affordable gym membership, nicer shampoo, I don’t know, whatever the fuck will give you a small but satisfying feeling of being less poor. Little things can go a long way for morale and still be part of a reasonable budget.

  20. Soooooooooooo says:

    I was sitting here wondering why a sugar baby would pay taxes. I’m like am I doing something wrong? Did I miss something? Lmao

  21. Soooooooooooo says:

    And I don’t think coke is “white.” I think she may appear white in race, but as far as nationality, ethnicity, and whatever else you intelligent assholes try to nitpick out of my post when you already know what I mean, she’s not completely white.

    But, I don’t care at all.

  22. Nicole says:

    my friend, I am not sure you can call it ego death if your realization precedes a braggy submission containing the words “I finally did it”.

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