If unhappiness is the resting state of marriage, what’s the resting state of being single?
Loneliness

What do you think of people that are in happy relationships but break up to “see what else is out there”?
Don’t kid yourself. Those relationships are either shallow to the point of worthlessness, or they aren’t really happy.

Are you shilling for American Express?
No. I don’t shill. I don’t have ads. I don’t take money or favors to promote shit. Ever. Can’t a bitch have a nice thing to say about a product or service without you cynical bastards assuming cash is changing hands?

What is the proper etiquette when discovering a friend of yours on a sex cam website?
Masturbate quietly to yourself as you shut the fuck up about it.

Will my husband ever be happy?
I am not a Magic 8 Ball.

I don’t want to perpetuate the Santa lie.
Relax. Santa isn’t a lie. Santa is just folklore. God is a lie.

You seem particularly aggressive this month.
Tis the season, motherfucker.

First real, long-term, “I love you” relationship; first breakup. General tips and pointers?
Step back and see the relationship as a whole, as something with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Be sad for a minute, learn what you can from it, and then move the fuck on.

What are you currently reading?
“I Forgot To Be Famous” by Almie Rose. I downloaded it to read on my flight and laughed so hard that the man sitting next to me was embarrassed.