Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why is sex with older men so hot?
Because the shift in power dynamics amplifies the experience.

How do you approach a work crush?
From behind with a net.

Should I shave my head?
If you feel that’s what you need to move on, then sure. Go ahead. Just be self-aware enough to know why you’re doing it.

Am I allowed to check up on a dude I dumped yesterday after we had dated for a month. He was really torn by the situation and I got worried (tears and all). Is a “how are you text?” wrong to send? I am concerned.
Unless your concern is one of safety that rises to a level that would necessitate calling 911, leave him the fuck alone. You dumped him. Have the strength of character to let him stay dumped. It’s not fair for you to give him glimmers of false hope just to make yourself feel better.

After a long night of sex and snorting cocaine off his massive dick, he looked at me squarely and said, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” I’ve heard some coke talk in my time, but this line was a killer. Is this blow talk or real talk?
If there was visible sunlight in the room at the time he said it, it was probably real talk. If the shades were drawn or it was still dark outside, it was probably coke talk.

What font are you? What font am I?
At the moment, I’m feeling a little Baskerville Roman, which means you’re Baskerville Bold Italics.

i’ve always imagined you to look like michelle pfeiffer circa scarface/batman returns. like, that’s the image i have of you in my head. if ever a coquette biopic happens, she should play you.
Are you unfamiliar with the human aging process? Michelle Pfeiffer is gorgeous, but she is older than my mother.

Sorry the sell-out comments are getting under your skin. People will buy your book. You are fun to read. The promotion is getting annoying though.
I don’t care. I’m super excited about my book, and no one’s cynicism is gonna get in the way of my fun. I’ll promote it all I want, and you can just soak in it until your fingers get all pruney.

Would you be mad if I waited until the paperback comes out? :/
I won’t be mad, but just so you know, you won’t be able to buy the paperback as cheaply as you can pre-order the hardcover today.

I wish you would blog about your life more.
Okay. That dude from my pros and cons list is in LA on business. The other day he got into an UberPool with one of my very best girlfriends from back in the day. He was like “I’m from such-and-such city” and she was like “Oh, do you know so-and-so” and he was like “Holy shit, yes, we’re fucking” and they ended up talking about me for the whole ride. They both texted me as soon as they got dropped off, and this world is too fucking small for words.


63 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Snob. says:

    Girl, how old is your mother. Michelle Pfeiffer is only 58. I’m estimating that you’re between six and eight years older than me (I’m 28, so 34-36). This means your mother was under 23 when she had you.

    I guess that’s not so crazy. Not as crazy as it sounded when I first read it. But when you say it like that it’s very strange to hear.

    • Rose says:

      I did a double-take on that too, but then I realized it’s because I’m 25 and both my parents are older than Michelle Pfeiffer (actually, mom’s the same age). The average age of giving birth has been around 22-26 for decades, so it’s really not strange at all (although I’m still personally freaked out that so many people younger than me have children).

      • Chris says:

        Coke is from the south, so having kids when you’re younger is more the norm. I recently moved to the northeast and we are the youngest parents – in fact most of my new friends (because we have kids the same age) are 5-10 years younger than my mom.

        It’s not so strange to be 35 with a 15 year old, a nice house, and a good career. The misconception is that if you don’t go to college before banging until a kid comes out, you’ll never have nice things, but for me having a bunch of kids made me go out and do all that stuff.

        • JC says:

          That was my thought also.

          Given how she’s described herself (“super cute”) I can see Michelle’s face fitting the description. Somehow, I do not picture that coke is a blonde, though. I could be wrong, because of course I know fuck all about what she really looks like, but I picture a brunette, like Mila Kunis plus insane levels of intelligence and wisdom.

  2. Daniel says:

    I can imagen Scarlett Johansson playin you.. Cause she’s both gorgeous and can play a badass.. Otherwise I think Britney Spears should play you! She might be able to pull it off if she snaps out of it and drops the kid-voice! She would probably WANT that part if the movie would happen. Like you say: Hell, Everybody is gonna want that leading roll!

  3. VeryOff says:

    Baskerville! Is it because you’re body has settled in as tradition but your flourish is still in transition? Or are you just feeling classy about your book?

        • WhoAmI says:

          I dunno, long and large isn’t that hard to stumble across. It’s a tad overrated too.
          A cock is always gonna end up being underwhelming. It’s attached to a man, after all.

          • unicornsrpeople2 says:

            Agreed, size is important up to a certain point, but then how they use it is way more important. I’ve had way better sex with average-sized guys generally than the monster dick ones. Guys with huge dicks usually think they don’t need to put as much effort in/the only thing they need to do is jackhammer away. Which is fun for a while, but then it’s like, hey, there’s more going on down there than a bottomless pit for you to fuck into. I blame porn lol

          • WhoAmI says:

            I believe it’s more about extreme sizes amplifying any underlying lack of experience rather than guys with big dicks being less skilled than the others. After a certain number of inches is reached (in both directions), you do need a good amount of skill just to make it work.
            Blame porn yes, but blame it for making you believe big dicks are the best for everyone, and that anyone can handle one up theirs.

          • unicornsrpeople2 says:

            I mean more that those are the guys (in their early 20s anyway) who don’t put as much effort into foreplay/generally getting ladies off in any fashion that doesn’t involve mimicking all the boring jackhammer porno out there. So I didn’t mean it in regards to my own expectations, but rather the general lack of sexual technique displayed by a generation of young men raised on free internet porn. But I get what you’re saying.

        • Snob. says:

          Porn cocks aren’t the norm. If you’re disappointed by a normal dick then maybe you need to adjust your expectations.

          • VeryOff says:

            It is…but if we were to be honest about the average and consider some stereotypes…I think we might agree that they are in fact disgusting.

            The clearly abused: flesh stretched thin below the head, sometimes healed from being torn

            The artificial girther: this looks more like a club that you would beat someone with

            The eyeful slug: uncircumcised dangler that never reaches full erection and seems alive somehow

            Captains hook: an unholy bend in a direction that seems like it’s trying to fuck in a dimension we cannot comprehend

            Venous flytrap: more veins than penis

            It really isn’t much of a stretch to say that all genitalia could be seen as ugly…and that’s why we have to hold intimacy sacred. How could anyone be proud to be a sack of flesh propped up by bones? I could totally be persuaded that nobody should be allowed to procreate.

          • WhoAmI says:

            Yeah, a penis is an ugly thing. But like with belgian beer, people can develop an acquired taste.

          • unicornsrpeople2 says:

            Agreed, the average vagina cannot encompass that much cock, it is simply gratuitous 😛

    • JC says:

      Do you like somewhat beefy guys? I have found that lankier dudes seem to have lankier dicks. There are always exceptions of course, but for example it’s well-known that beefing up with steroids will cause shrinkage. Naturally beefy guys likely make more male hormones than skinny dudes, or it least that is my theory about it.

    • Chris says:

      Glad I could reply to someone else on this instead of having to say it first.

      What the fuck, people? I just spent the past month reading 6 years of excellent content that made me see the world differently for free, and now, because of the demand we’ve proven is out there, you’re pissed off she mentions her new book more than once?

      Let me get this straight: we’ll send Coke the same Q 20 times until she answers it, and personally consider her a friend on some level, but the thanks she gets from us after all the gifts we’ve received from her is, “Ugh, you’re mentioning your book more than once? What a whore.”

      For anyone who says or thinks like that, feel free to go fuck yourself, and I mean that literally. The next time you’re fucking yourself, take a moment and say, ‘I’ve earned this.’

  4. CS says:

    Everyone complaining about her promotion can shut the fuck up, Coke deserves every pre-order. She’s done an awesome thing. xoxo

  5. Angie says:

    To the work crush questioner:

    Wait til an office happy hour, have a good drink or two, then tell them “it would be fun to get drinks just the two of us, without all theeeese people ” then smile flirtatiously.

    If you don’t happy hour on the regular, a net is as good as anything.

      • coskel says:

        Seriously, be very very careful, or at the very least, pick someone in a different department so that when it goes tits up
        (and it will unless you:
        get married
        or one of you quits)

        you can salvage yourself somewhat by not having to see that person.

        If its a client relationship, just NO. No one wants to have to tell their boss that the client cancelled their account because you cried too much before/during/after sex and they decided to distance from the crazy.

        Hypothetical there, but you know where I’m going with this.
        PS – I’m a boss, and yes, this type of conversation has happened in my office before.

  6. unicornsrpeople2 says:

    Seriously, considering all Coke provides for us for FREE y’all can suck it up and read a post or two about her book. Or just ignore it. It’s really that easy. I already pre-ordered one for myself, but now I’m seriously considering stocking up. If I had enough money I would give a copy to everyone I know and like, more people could use her wisdom.

  7. unicornsrpeople2 says:

    Also sex with older men is also hot cause they usually have better technique and know how to take their time 😀

    • WhoAmI says:

      They have more experience, which means they have more preconceptions, antiquated ideas and are less open to novelty (which also brings about a vibe of unrequited dom more often than not). Experience handling genitals isn’t something that needs years to develop.
      They are more comfortable with being dirty in the bedroom though, I’ll give them that.

      • Quinn says:

        Those are some pretty sweeping generalizations. I’d say, if anything, more experience leaves you with fewer preconceptions. The more people you fuck, the more you realize how much variation there is out there. I was once someone’s second fuck, the first being a long-term girlfriend, and he just couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that I didn’t like exactly what she liked. Never had that problem with anyone else.

        • WhoAmI says:

          Clearly unicornspeople2 was talking from experience more than well studied nation-wide statistics, and I chimed in on the same note, so the “sweeping generalization” part is, like, duh.
          With every new experience you’re gonna grow preconceptions. You can minimize it but that’s about it, that shit is like entropy.
          On the other hand you only need to sleep with one person to realize that every sex encounter is different and so is every person you’ll meet and so and so.
          I find the optimum in young men who’ve been fooling around for some time, with older men being near the bottom along with men who just bailed out of a long monogamous relationship.

          • unicornsrpeople2 says:

            I don’t know of any nation-wide statistics, but I would be very curious to read them if they exist 😀 My statement is purely anecdotal, based on personal experience and chatting with friends about their experiences. Also this which I learned about in a TED talk, but I had also formed this opinion based on personal experience before I ever saw the talk. This really ties back into my comments above relating to porn 😛 (Also, I am not anti-porn, just anti-unrealistic depictions of sex serving as the primary sex ed for our generation)

  8. Rachel says:

    What happened to the recommended reading link? I was at the library today trying to figure out what to read and I remembered that link, but it’s gone:(

  9. Chris says:

    Is this dude the Republican one you mentioned a little while back? I’m assuming it’s a different guy since “Republican” wasn’t in the cons, but I was curious.

  10. KC says:

    I’m so excited to hold your works in my hands. It will be the gospel I brandish in the post-apocalyptic expanse of our imaginations. And also, right here after September.

  11. Nat says:

    Aww, the Michelle Pfeiffer comment steps on a stupid little theory I had that coke was 40, and that she changed her tagline to “embrace the fucking change” on her birthday.

    I thought 40 was too high, but I ignored that because I liked it.

    New guess: 36.

  12. G says:

    Sent this in as a question but that was stupid because I forgot the comments section is right here:
    “you can just soak in it until your fingers get all pruney”
    Is that a French Kiss reference? Because I freaking love that cheesy silly movie. So quotable.

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