Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice.

Dear Coquette,

Do you think college/getting a degree is a waste of time?
Hell no. At worst, it’s a waste of money.

What is the point of living?


Why do I feel the need for constant male attention?

It’s how you validate your sense of self-worth.

I really want to get my nose pierced, but all the naysayers always ask WHY. The truth is, I’m just a 19-year-old who thinks it looks cool with a bit of cash to burn. Do I need a good reason if I want it?

I’m not your mom. Stick whatever the hell you want into your stupid face.

Why are all philosophy professors such douchebags?

Because they spend their lives dealing with philosophy students.

If a guy routinely screws me from behind, does he not respect me?

Only if it’s a metaphor. Also, you’re an idiot.

If the U.S. ends up electing Rick Santorum, what would you do?

Catch a ride on a flying pig all the way to the ski slopes of hell.

Is your (age / 2 + 7) equation just for relationships or all sexual encounters?

My equation for sexual encounters is (age > age of consent) + mutual consent.

You get to change all four heads on Mount Rushmore to any other four heads of people born in America. Who do you choose?

The cast of “Seinfeld.” Now pass me that joint, you hipster doofus.

Why am I hugely suspicious of cops even though they’ve never done anything to me directly?

Because you are heavily influenced by pop culture, and the archetype of the “corrupt cop” is a powerful cultural meme.

How do I make today different from yesterday?


How do I stop gay, middle-aged, “charming and experienced” boyfriend-stealers in their tracks?

I dunno, stop dating dudes with daddy issues?

Is it wrong to feel slightly insulted when your fiancé asks to borrow your computer so he can go “rub one out” in the other room because you have a headache and not enough stamina for sex?

Odds are, it was a dick move. I don’t have enough context to tell you for sure whether his behavior was deliberately passive-aggressive or just a bit thoughtless. Either way, don’t ask my permission to feel your emotions. If you’re insulted, you’re insulted.

How come you have it all figured out?

I don’t. Anyone who says otherwise is full of shit.


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