Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice.

Dear Coquette,

Why are you alive? What’s your reason? What do you worship?
Human potential.

Who was your favorite character on Seinfeld?


Is being manipulative a good or a bad thing?

Manipulation is value-neutral without context.

I’m 16, he’s 32. Legal where I live, but what are your thoughts?

One day, when you’re an actual adult, you’ll look back and realize how creepy it was for this dude to be having sex with you at 16.

How do I get over my raging cynicism?

Find the nearest puppy.

Why is Kreayshawn a thing?

To distract you from the fact that Michele Bachmann is also a thing.

What is your advice to a girl heading off to her first year of college?

Sleep more than you study. Study more than you party. Party as much as you possibly can.

Do you believe in signs? Like, I saw an apple-shaped cloud and he’s a teacher so we should date?

Don’t be an idiot. The weather doesn’t give a damn about your love life.

How do you deal with an atrociously competitive best friend?

Refuse to compete.

Yes, I’m attracted to other women. No, I will never act upon it. Is that wrong?

It’s not wrong, but don’t let your sexual repression negatively affect others.

If I am unhappy in my relationship, why do I feel more miserable over the prospect of ending it?

Because you mistakenly think that ending it is failure.

What do you do when you’ve found out that your friend is gay and is in love with you?

Help your friend fall out of love.

I have a lot of issues, including that I think I have a mental illness. I have thoughts that I am literally too ashamed of to even tell a therapist. What the hell should I do?

Tell a therapist. Get it out. Shine a light on that dark sticky place in your soul.


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