My boyfriend has gained some weight and I feel like a shit person for being less attracted to him now.
Yeah, being shallow sucks. Sorry your boyfriend is gross.

Rihanna’s ‘Pour it Up’ made me think of you.
Thanks, but I’m not gonna start critiquing music videos just because you say they make you think of me.

Bonnie McKee’s “American Girl” video makes me think of you.
Okay, now you’re just being silly.

Sinead vs. Miley. Care to weigh in?
Sinead’s open letter was condescending and misguided, but her heart was in the right place. She’s wrong about Miley being exploited, though. Miley is the one doing the exploiting.

Haven’t you obtained a potentially-ostentatious amount of wealth by working hard?
Ha! No.

If I won’t receive material wealth and happiness through hard work, what is the point of living? Terrible question. I’ll think about this. Thanks.
I’ve said it before, there is no point. Work hard if you can. Attain material wealth if you can. Be happy if you can. Whatever. There’s still no point.

I don’t want to get old. Please make it stop.
Growing old is a privilege reserved for the lucky and the strong, so quit your fucking whining and accept the fact that the human condition is a death march of futility and decay.

Is rose wine tacky? Or for grandmas? Damnit I like it.
That shit is fucking delicious. Just don’t ever bring around a bottle of white zinfandel acting like it’s rosé.

Do you think sex is overrated?
What’s being sold to you as sex is overrated.

What’s the difference between snark and sass?
Proximity.

Will you be my mom?
Hell no.