Alright, Coquette. I’ve written to you before, and every time it feels like the end of the world, but something has happened that has me feeling closer to the abyss than ever.
I’m a gay guy. Fucked around with this gorgeous dude in a sex-on-premises venue the other night while drunk. He put it in without protection, but didn’t finish (to my knowledge) and was frankly, quite flaccid throughout the experience. I asked him if he knew his status, as I wasn’t expecting nor prepared for what happened – it happened quite quickly – and needed to know what road I should go down. He told me he was HIV-negative, that I was fine, that it was all good. I weighed my options and risks, and went, fuck it, I’ll move on with my life.
I discovered a profile on a gay “dating” website two days later – some dude, advertising his home address and his desire to be penetrated by anyone with any disease, and penetrate others to spread his. That not only was he HIV-positive, but he had other stuff as well. The photos looked a lot like the guy I saw that morning. I thought to myself, surely not. But my anxiety prevailed, so I sent him a message asking his whereabouts on Friday morning.
At which point he made it abundantly clear through his response, that not only was it him who fucked me, but he enjoyed “pozzing” me. He loved breeding me with his positive load. I’m not even fucking joking. He literally bragged to me about how happy he was that he’d no doubt infected me with HIV.
I got onto the stop-you-getting-HIV meds in time, but I’m fucking distraught. I should know better than to do this shit, but sometimes you fuck up, you know? I could have avoided the situation, but I don’t expect every guy I have “whoopsie” unprotected sex with to respond with “I fucking pozzed you”.
I’ve been lying in bed for two whole days, just trying to process what’s happened. I don’t know how else to describe this, but I feel like I’ve been raped. Like I’m still stuck on ‘Did that happen?’ – and like I’ve been hollowed out.
How the fuck do I handle this ?
I am so sorry this happened to you.
What this piece of shit did to you is a serious crime, and I strongly suggest that you report him to the police as soon as possible.
Normally I’d tell you to process this in your own way, but this is obviously not an isolated incident. Clearly he does this regularly and will do it again, and since other people’s safety is at risk, I hope you feel some sense of obligation to try and stop him.
I recognize how deeply you’ve been violated here. This is a big deal, and I’m glad you had the wherewithal to get the post-exposure prophylaxis. You’ll probably be okay, but stay on top of your status, and understand that this is gonna fuck with your head for a while.
Whenever you’re ready, you should definitely seek out some counseling. The feeling that you’ve been raped is perfectly valid. You were sexually violated, and this is sexual trauma. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you experienced some PTSD-like symptoms as a result of this incident, so the sooner you start seeing a therapist, the better.
Keep taking care of yourself, and please keep me updated as you report this man to the authorities.