Advice

On getting “pozzed”

Alright, Coquette. I’ve written to you before, and every time it feels like the end of the world, but something has happened that has me feeling closer to the abyss than ever.

I’m a gay guy. Fucked around with this gorgeous dude in a sex-on-premises venue the other night while drunk. He put it in without protection, but didn’t finish (to my knowledge) and was frankly, quite flaccid throughout the experience. I asked him if he knew his status, as I wasn’t expecting nor prepared for what happened – it happened quite quickly – and needed to know what road I should go down. He told me he was HIV-negative, that I was fine, that it was all good. I weighed my options and risks, and went, fuck it, I’ll move on with my life.

I discovered a profile on a gay “dating” website two days later – some dude, advertising his home address and his desire to be penetrated by anyone with any disease, and penetrate others to spread his. That not only was he HIV-positive, but he had other stuff as well. The photos looked a lot like the guy I saw that morning. I thought to myself, surely not. But my anxiety prevailed, so I sent him a message asking his whereabouts on Friday morning.

At which point he made it abundantly clear through his response, that not only was it him who fucked me, but he enjoyed “pozzing” me. He loved breeding me with his positive load. I’m not even fucking joking. He literally bragged to me about how happy he was that he’d no doubt infected me with HIV.

I got onto the stop-you-getting-HIV meds in time, but I’m fucking distraught. I should know better than to do this shit, but sometimes you fuck up, you know? I could have avoided the situation, but I don’t expect every guy I have “whoopsie” unprotected sex with to respond with “I fucking pozzed you”.

I’ve been lying in bed for two whole days, just trying to process what’s happened. I don’t know how else to describe this, but I feel like I’ve been raped. Like I’m still stuck on ‘Did that happen?’ – and like I’ve been hollowed out.

How the fuck do I handle this ?

 

I am so sorry this happened to you.

What this piece of shit did to you is a serious crime, and I strongly suggest that you report him to the police as soon as possible.

Normally I’d tell you to process this in your own way, but this is obviously not an isolated incident. Clearly he does this regularly and will do it again, and since other people’s safety is at risk, I hope you feel some sense of obligation to try and stop him.

I recognize how deeply you’ve been violated here. This is a big deal, and I’m glad you had the wherewithal to get the post-exposure prophylaxis. You’ll probably be okay, but stay on top of your status, and understand that this is gonna fuck with your head for a while.

Whenever you’re ready, you should definitely seek out some counseling. The feeling that you’ve been raped is perfectly valid. You were sexually violated, and this is sexual trauma. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you experienced some PTSD-like symptoms as a result of this incident, so the sooner you start seeing a therapist, the better.

Keep taking care of yourself, and please keep me updated as you report this man to the authorities.

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10 thoughts on “On getting “pozzed”

  1. MM says:

    Also, he should make SURE that he keeps that email where this fucker makes the confession of his crime. And if he could get a rape crisis advocate to go with him to report, that may make the experience of reporting less awful. I’m so sorry for him.

    • Kelly says:

      Yes! I am a Medical Advocate for my local YWCA and we accompany people not just to hospitals but also to police stations and (if necessary) courtrooms. Look for a local crisis line and give them a call — they can help with counseling, also.

      I wish you all the best. Coquette was right (no shit). You were absolutely sexually violated. It doesn’t need to define you, but it probably will affect you.

  2. Ellie says:

    Dear fuck. This story started out disturbing already, as he clearly did not respect the consensual sex guidelines… but “pozzing”? This is some next-level psycho shit, please report that guy as soon as possible. And I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Hope you stay well and strong.

  3. Bed says:

    What a horrible violation. In Canada this would be considered a crime exactly the same as rape – as in not legally differentiated at all from it. I happen to think, as do many others, that HIV criminalization of non-disclosure laws are a very counterproductive measure to the actual control of HIV and HIV stigma, but this is the rare rare case where it seems good that someone can throw a book at this guy. He clearly needs the counseling even more than you do, but he’s not here asking for help.

    You also might be interested in, and are already aware of PreP. The daily pill (Truvada, which you’re porbably taking as part of your PeP) which nearly completely eliminates the risk of contracting HIV. I’ve been on it for 6 months and have never felt more agency and liberation, though my sexual habits have changed not at all. Good luck with your other tests.

  4. Margerita says:

    Yeah, this guy’s a total shit and you should report him. Also? You didn’t consent to unprotected sex and have done nothing wrong. I would absolutely call what happened to you rape. You are in no way responsible for this situation by expecting your parter to behave like a decent human being. Just wanted to say that, as it seems like something you maybe needed to hear. Good luck.

  5. Claire says:

    I write because I’m feeling concerned about “on getting pozzed”. I’m an HIV educator and sexual health nurse, and a lot of the work I do aims to decrease HIV stigma, as it’s often the hardest part of living with HIV. HIV criminalization (pressing charges against the person who infected you) is a serious problem that contributes to stigma, and potentially also HIV transmission, as people may avoid knowing their status to avoid criminal responsibility.

    Don’t get me wrong – I’m glad you were able to provide guidance to the guy who wrote in, and validate his experience. The jerk who gets off on “pozzing” definitely needs to be reported (especially, as you said, it seems to be an ongoing pattern), but I’m worried that publishing this experience on your site might portray intentional HIV transmission as common practice. I assure you it’s not. The person most likely to pass on HIV is someone who doesn’t know their status.

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