On how to beat an xbox

How does a girl compete with the XBox 360?

My boyfriend ignores me all the time. We get home from work and he immediately heads for the couch and stays on it long after I go to bed.

We had a daughter about 2 years ago, so in the beginning my libido was none existent, but that’s changed. I’m back in my size 2 jeans, you can barley see any stretch marks and I’m not ugly.

I try to initiate sex, I try to get him off the XBox and his response is “Babe! Your making me die” Seriously WTF is that?! Mastubating is not as good as the real deal. So what’s a girl to do?

Stretch marks and an Xbox addicted babydaddy? You are living my nightmare.

Listen, you picked this guy. Normally I’d tell you to suck it up and deal with the consequences of your stupid life choices, but for the sake of your daughter, I’m gonna ignore my bitchier instincts and throw you a bone here.

In situations like this one, your daughter is what’s known as “leverage.” As long as your boyfriend wants to be a part of her life, you have positional advantage to affect his behavior. I suggest you use it.

For your daughter’s sake, for his sake, really, for America’s sake, I want you to take that Xbox out to an empty field and smash it with a fucking baseball bat. Remember the fax machine scene from Office Space? Yeah. Do that. Go crazy.

Your child will not be raised in a house with video games. It’s as simple as that. Never forget, you are well within your rights and duties as the mother of the house to lay down the motherfucking law.

Sure, he’ll be pissed. He’ll be furious, but what’s he gonna do? Not fuck you? Right. You’re already used to that. Let him throw a tantrum like the child he obviously is. Too bad. It’s time for him to grow the fuck up.

And don’t listen to any of his man-of-the-house bullshit about “after a long, hard day at work…” He’s not out grabbing a beer with the guys to blow off a little steam. He’s a lazy sack of shit parked on the sofa playing video games instead of spending time with his family.

If he wants to be the man of the house, then he needs to put away childish things, and you know what? Now that he’s a father, he’s obligated to grow up.

That’s how you compete with an Xbox, sweetie. You don’t even allow it a place in your home.


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