Best-Of Advice

On why you even bother

First, I’m going to say what everyone says: you’re great and I need an honest opinion, no holds barred. I was in a very long term relationship that ended a couple years ago. I’ve never been much of a dater – I’m one of those annoying people who just sort of fell into relationships when I was younger. However, I’ve been trying my best to get myself out there and meet guys, which seems so fucking impossible in New York (totally cliche, I know, but it’s true).

My real problem is that I’ve met a few guys that I’ve had a good few months with and then they start the disappearing act. You know, less frequent phone calls/texts, distancing themselves, and behaving badly. In some cases, they’ve ended it, in others I have, but always because of their actions. They’ve all been fairly normal, good guys. I’m a smart, fun, good-looking laid-back woman and I don’t see what the deal is.

For the sake of full disclosure (because I want the most honest opinion from you), I’ve slept with all of these guys within the first couple weeks (which I don’t think is a bad thing) and I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. If a guy shows a serious interest in me and I like him, I don’t play hard-to-get. I’m usually very up-front and I don’t like game playing to get the “upper-hand.”Is this bad? Are these guys thinking I’m too available?

Am I just having a run of bad luck? Should I re-evaluate my judgment on the men I’m choosing? Or should I just stop “giving away the milk for free?”

D. None of the above.

Your real problem is that you think you have a problem. You’re not experiencing bad luck, you don’t need to re-evaluate your judgment, and you’re not a fucking dairy cow.

Perhaps you should start questioning the underlying notion that you exist in a binary state of either couplehood or singlehood, and that the former is somehow superior to the latter.

After all, you’re the type who “just sort of falls into relationships.” It seems like you’re long past due for some introspection into why you even bother.

Why are you looking for a man? Do you need a man to feel safe? Happy? Fulfilled? Do you want a best friend? A partner in crime? Someone to pay the bills? Do you want kids? Come on, why are you even out there dating? Let me guess, because that’s just what you’re supposed to do.

You have no idea why you’re out there engaging in the courtship ritual. All you’ve got is some nebulous set of external relationship guidelines that you’ve pulled from popular culture and whatever your mother taught you. None of it is relevant to your core self, because you haven’t take the time to reflect on what it is you want out of a relationship.

Now is as good a time as any to start figuring it out. The cool thing is, there’s no wrong answer here. Just be honest with yourself. What do you want?

Not to get all Cheshire Cat up in this bitch, but until you know where you want to go, you’re wasting your time wondering why you’re lost.


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