On jerking it together.

My boyfriend won’t masturbate in front of me. This bothers me. Am I being unreasonable?

I love my boyfriend a lot and, in general, the sex is pretty good (we both have stressful careers, and sex sometimes takes a backseat to work, which can be frustrating for both of us).

I’ve never been able to orgasm from intercourse, so often, after we have sex, I’ll masturbate while my boyfriend watches / helps. I find this highly satisfying, and I know my boyfriend does, too. I’d love to watch my boyfriend jerk off, but the two times I brought it up, he got uncomfortable and said he didn’t want to. I tried to push him a little bit, to find out what made him feel weird about it (especially because I masturbate in front of him all the time), and he didn’t really have a good answer. He basically said that, if he were going to masturbate in front of me, he’d rather just fuck me.

I think what bothers me so much is not the jerking off, per se, but more that this is a sign that he’s not very sexually adventurous. I mean, if you won’t jerk off in front of me, will you ever be okay with all the other fun things I fantasize about doing together?

To be clear, I love him a lot, and we have really hot vanilla sex. But, I’m thinking about marrying this guy, and while I’m okay with vanilla sex most of the time, I can’t imagine ONLY having vanilla sex for the rest of my life.

So – two questions. First, is it strange that he won’t jerk off in front of me? Maybe he has some weird masturbation technique & he’s embarrassed? Or, maybe it’s something else? Second, any tips on how to talk to him about expanding our sexual repertoire? In general, we have really good communication, but this topic is a little awkward for us.

Okay, this is no big deal.

It’s not that it’s too personal for him to share it with you. It’s that it’s too private. Masturbation is his “me time,” and you’re not invited. You might as well have demanded to watch him read a magazine while he takes a shit.

I know it seems silly, but try putting yourself in his tube socks. When your boyfriend jerks off, he’s looking at porn or he’s up in his head fantasizing. If you’re there with him, he can’t really do either. That leaves him stuck being very self-aware in a very vulnerable state, and so naturally he’s not responding to your demands.

Maybe if you gave him explicit permission to pretend like you aren’t there, it might make it easier. Tell him to close his eyes and go off to his happy place. Of course, then you’d have to let him. That would require that you shut the fuck up and just watch. No helping. No talking. Nothing, at least for the first few times until he got used to it.

Alternately, you could make a game out of it. Trick him into a mutual masturbation session by pretending it’s some kind of team sport, something that would essentially be the sexual equivalent of playing air guitar. Guys play air guitar, right? I dunno, call it air fucking.

On second thought, that’s a stupid idea.

Listen, at the end of the day, he may just not want to be your little jerking monkey. That doesn’t mean he’s boring. It just means you’ve found a boundary. Fine. Whatever. Don’t worry, he’s still got his kinks. Just because he’d rather spank it solo doesn’t mean he’s not more than willing to strap a ball gag to your face and tie you to the furniture.

(For what it’s worth, I bet he’d be in to the ball gag. Something about your tone makes me think he’d really like to do that to you.)


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