I want to altruistically donate my kidney. What do you think I should consider? I want to question the shit out of my motives. I’m obviously going to think further about this, let it simmer in the back of my mind for a while… I want to give this to the world, I’m scared no one will take care of me (I’ve had to take care of my parents and I don’t have many close friends). I’m worried guys won’t find me attractive with the scar. I want to do this. I don’t completely get why. I’m scared it won’t be okay.
Yeah, no. I doubt you would pass the psychological evaluation anyway, but please do not attempt to donate a kidney under your current circumstances.
I looked you up. (It wasn’t difficult with your college email address and a name as unique as yours.) You are a brilliant and accomplished young woman. Since childhood, you’ve been living under the kind of academic and socio-cultural pressures that would crush the average person. Every school you’ve attended has been among the very best in the world, and you’ve been among the highest achieving students every step along the way.
That’s all changing. You’ve finally graduated, and for the first time in your life, you aren’t tethered to any regimen or program. You’re in a phase of life now where you have to forge your own path forward rather than follow a path that has always been laid out for you, and as much as you try not to admit it, the future is absolutely terrifying. That’s why you’re entertaining fantasies about donating a kidney. It solves so many problems for you.
You’ve been taking care of everyone else all this time, and if you donate a kidney, then for once in your life, people will finally have to take care of you. (That desire doesn’t make you selfish, by the way. It makes you human.) If you donate a kidney and guys don’t find you attractive, you will always have the scar to blame, and if you donate a kidney and then never find a suitable husband, your health will always be a convenient excuse. (And we both know why I used the word suitable, don’t we? Donating your kidney is also a deliberate “fuck you” to that aspect of your culture.) Of course, the biggest problem this solves is that if you donate a kidney, you won’t have to begin your life.
Most kids fantasize about taking a year off after college to go backpacking through Europe, but that kind of shit never even crossed your mind. You’re such an amazing human being that you’d rather take a year off after college and donate a kidney instead. I respect your altruism. I really do, but the whole idea is fucking nuts. Self-sacrifice can be a noble impulse, but it can also be a pathological one. For you in this moment, it’s both.
If you need to take a little break right now, then take a little break. It’s okay to do that. Really. I’m not saying you should go backpacking through Europe or anything, but keep your fucking kidneys, kid. It will be okay.
I promise, you are going to give many gifts to the world. I also promise, you will find your place in it. You will find your way. You will build your own career. You will build your own family. You will build your own life. It all just takes time, and there are no shortcuts, especially to the kind of emotional and spiritual fulfillment you’re so desperate to find.