On missing something

Dear Coquette,

Is it unhealthy that most of the sex I’ve had has been whilst under the influence? I never thought of it that way until my two closest friends brought it up to me the other day and now I feel like I’m meant to feel wrong for not seeing it as unhealthy. The thing is, I’m not a relationship kind of person, and I don’t have a particularly high sex-drive, so I don’t really go looking for it, so it tends to happen more if I’m out having a few drinks and a laugh. One friend claimed it’s the most depressing thing he’s ever heard, and the other said maybe I should stop. It’s not like I’m going out, getting trashed and bringing people home constantly, or being stupid or hurtful about it in anyway. In fact for the best part of the last two years until recently I’ve slept with one guy and often that was sober … so, basically, I don’t get their issue. Am I missing something?

Do yourself a favor and stop using the word “whilst” in written correspondence. It makes you sound like a gigantic asshole.

Then again, your friends sound like gigantic assholes too, so maybe you’re just a product of your environment. Either way, don’t ever allow yourself to be slut-shamed, especially by friends.

Remember, it’s not about how often you’re having sex under the influence. It’s about why you’re having sex under the influence. In your case, it sounds like you’ve built up an identity around not being “a relationship kind of person,” whatever that means.

I’m not saying it’s unhealthy, but it’s obviously a rationalization for your pattern of behavior. Odds are, you’re just a young girl with a light dusting of garden-variety attachment issues. If anything, consider focusing some energy on forming intimate connections with people in your life.

For instance, you said until recently, you’d spent the better part of the last two years in a monogamous relationship. (Actually, you said the “best” part of the last two years, which has some significance in its double meaning, but I digress.) You went out of your way not to call this guy your boyfriend. That’s fine, but it’s also significant. What’s going on there?

I don’t know any of the details, but I get the sense that you’re going through a kind of post-breakup phase. Naturally, you’d play it off as anything other than a traditional breakup, but that doesn’t change the fact that the underlying emotions are still the same, and that the resulting patterns of behavior are fairly predictable.

Like it or not, you’re rebounding right now. You asked me flat out if you were missing something (a question that’s also loaded with double meaning.) The answer, of course, is yes. You are missing something.

Maybe you’re missing the ability to connect with just one guy. Maybe you’re missing that one guy in particular. Maybe you’re just missing the point. I don’t know, but you’re definitely missing something.

That’s not to say there’s anything unhealthy or destructive about your current pattern of behavior. I’m not judging you for having drunken sex, and you shouldn’t let others judge you either. Still, it’s worth a bit of serious self-examination to discover the root causes of why you’re acting this way.


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