Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun sized advice

Dear Coquette,

What’s your advice for a starving artist?
Eat something and don’t refer to yourself as an artist.

I have been single for five years and I have no interest in others but my ex. What should I do?

Grow up.

Coach or first class?

Private jet.

Why is everyone having so much more fun than I am?

Don’t believe the hype.

What is the key to a happy life?


How do I fall in love with my wife again?

Make sure you haven’t lost respect for her, and then simply be open to it. 

Is it worth it to try to change anyone?

Is it insanity to believe that you can?

Do you think the Republicans have a chance in 2012?

If they ditch the religious right and start kissing middle-class ass, I suppose anything’s possible.

Is there anything wrong with being gay?

No, and anyone who tells you otherwise is either ignorant or evil.

How do I tell whether I’ve forgiven someone or just feel superior to them?

If there’s any confusion, you haven’t forgiven them.

I hate how narcissistic and self-centered I am. It’s always about me, me, me. What do you think I should do about this?

Jettison your ego.

Good way to break it off when he keeps calling after one awkward date?

I usually go with brutal honesty and repetition of the phrase “it’s not gonna happen.”

I’m 27, smart and beautiful, but also underpaid and single. How is that possible?

Shut up and bring me the drink menu.

Is it possible for a 47-year-old Caucasian straight male to find that special person to settle down and have kids, or is it too late?

Sure, especially if you’ve got some hair and a little money. There are plenty of slightly desperate 36-year-olds out there whose biological clocks are strapped to dynamite. Cut the blue wire.

Why are you so dumb?

Why are you still reading my column?


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