Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

If a guy cheats on you once, why does it mean he’ll cheat again? What if he learns his mistake and regrets it?
Regret is a very poor indicator of whether someone will repeat the same mistake. When it comes to behavior, look for patterns, not promises.

She cheated on me a year ago. We broke up. She begged me to get back together. We did. Why? Because I’ve fucked up in the past and I believe in second chances. We are doing okay and 95% of the time I trust her. Why can’t I get rid of that last 5%?
Because she cheated on you a year ago.

I just got the test results back, I have herpes. What next?
Valtrex and awkward conversations.

My husband of six years is wonderful. But, our sex life is a tad boring. He won’t use a vibrator on me in bed because he says it’s emasculating. Is it?
Only to a small-minded man with a fragile ego. If he thinks a sex toy is emasculating, wait until you tell him he’s boring in bed.

What will make me feel less lonely when I get home? The drugs aren’t working.
Connect with other humans. That’s the only thing that will work.

What’s the protocol on sending an ex an email? Is the answer just don’t do it?
If you’re having even the least bit of doubt, definitely don’t do it.

I started making my bed but I either get back in it or I lie on it. What do I do now?
Get a decorative pillow that “locks” you out of bed. In other words, make a personal rule that bed is not made if the pillow is not on the bed, and if the pillow is on the bed, you are not allowed to lay in it.

I just work up from a dream where Ben Affleck was fucking me from behind while we watched porn. What does it all mean?!
It means this new Batman movie is gonna suck.


One thought on “On more fun-sized advice

  1. I have to say the truthfulness of your advice is brilliant to read. I’m new to blogger and a complete technophobe, I only wish I knew how to subscribe. If I wasn’t such a dumbass I’d figure that shit out. I look forward to reading more.

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